


Having Faith - MATURE Version

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-11-09
Updated: 2002-11-09
Packaged: 2019-05-15 10:54:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 75,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14789171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: What happens when Josh pushes Donna too far? - MATURE Version





	1. Having Faith - MATURE Version

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

**Chapter 1  
A Very Bad Day**

*WHAM!* 

Donna jumped in her seat as Josh slammed his office door for the third time that morning. She cast worried eyes over in that direction, and wondered whether she'd be taking her life in her hands by reminding him that he had to run over to Capitol Hill for a meeting. 

It was the end of August, just over 2 months away from the election, and things were not going well. She looked up to the TV in the bullpen, as a pair of news anchors dissected the previous night's speeches at the Republican Presidential Convention. The Democrats had had their nomination celebration the month before, and gotten a "convention boost" to their numbers, but now it was Ritchie's turn. That day's polls indicated that their opponent had pulled even, or ahead, of President Bartlet among probable voters. And the fact that Senator Stackhouse had yet to give his endorsement to the President, and was making overtures about being allowed into the upcoming debates was causing more than a few headaches for Josh and the rest of the staffers. 

Those stresses alone would normally have been enough to make Josh edgy. But the thing that was weighing most heavily on all of them, on top of everything else, was that it was 2 years to the day of the shooting at Rosslyn. It was the 400 pound green gorilla in the room, the thing that was on everyone's mind, the thing that was distracting them all, the thing that made everyone in the West Wing send worried and concerned glances Josh's way. All day long, if there weren't gloating, happy Republicans on TV, then the networks showed stock footage, over and over again, of the night of the shooting. It sent a pang of sadness to Donna's heart every time she glanced up and was reminded of the night they almost all lost so much. Donna couldn't even begin to imagine what it did to Josh, and she had no doubt that the memory of that day was contributing to his dangerous mood. 

She wanted to be able to talk to him about it, but it was the one thing that Josh absolutely refused to discuss with her, or with any of his friends on the staff. Donna had tried, once before, to get him to talk about it, on that Christmas Eve a year and a half before, when she figured out that he was still dealing with the shooting, in his mind; when she went with him to get his hand stitched up. But even then, even when she was the person who had figured out what was wrong with him, he still didn't let her in. 

Donna sat and thought back, for a moment, about what had happened in their lives since that night. The President's MS was disclosed, and everything - their jobs, their sense of duty and purpose – became much more complicated. And then, in the midst of that crisis, Donna caused another due to her relationship with Cliff, and the lie she told about her diary. She knew she had shaken Josh's trust in her as a result. The angry distance between her and Josh had grown even more pronounced. She had been working hard ever since to make sure he never had to doubt her loyalty and trustworthiness ever again. 

At some point, and she would have been hard-pressed to say when, but at some point she knew that she was in love with Josh. It might have started when he gave her a chance in Nashua. It might have began when he took her back that April, no questions asked. It might have started during any one of the long, busy, exhilarating nights when the two of them worked together, working to make a difference, serving at the pleasure of the President of the United States. 

Donna was sure that she was in love with Josh, however, when he helped her cover up her lie. But it was at that same moment, out on that park bench, waiting for Cliff to come back to them with her diary, when she knew she had ruined any chance that she and Josh might have had together. She sat and watched Josh that night, staring off into the distance, not really seeing her anymore, and she knew he couldn't trust her the way you'd need to if you were to love someone. 

Things were still shaky between them in the aftermath of those dark days, and just when Donna thought her working and personal relationships with Josh couldn't get any more awkward, he started seeing Amy. Josh's "ensorcellment" was so painful for her that Donna had to work even harder at trying to hide her feelings for him. So she agreed to help him plan a "trip" to "Tahiti" for Amy, from buying the palm trees and lights to calling Amy and telling her to meet Josh as his apartment. She tried not to sound or feel devastated when Josh called her from his and Amy's bed in the mornings. She tried to take comfort in doing the best job she could for him in the office, and tried to be indispensable for him there, to be all he needed during the day…even if she couldn't have him at night, when he was with Amy. 

But now Donna was wondering if things weren't going so well between Josh and Amy. He hadn't said anything to Donna directly, but she could tell something was up. He was ducking Amy's calls, and their fighting no longer sounded like foreplay - it was just mean and nasty now, full of barbs meant to hurt or annoy, instead of to arouse. Sometimes Donna wondered if they had ever even really liked each other, or whether they had just gotten together for their shared history and the great sex. 

Donna tried very hard not to think about Josh and Amy having sex, of any sort. But she also hoped that it was *just* about sex, and not about something deeper between the two of them. 

A loud crash from inside Josh's office told Donna that he was taking his multiple frustrations out on the stuck middle drawer of his filing cabinet. She got up to see if she could help, but before she could knock, Josh pulled open the door and yelled for her, right in her face. 

"DONNA!" 

Donna stopped short as the wall of sound emanating from his throat pierced her eardrums. "Josh, I'm right here," she said, evenly, hoping her placid tone would help calm him down. "You have a meeting--" 

"I know," he said, testily. "Can you do something about that drawer?" 

"Josh, I've told you, just pull on it gently--" 

"Whatever. Just do your job and have someone fix the stupid thing, Donna, this isn't rocket science. I'm tired of having to wrestle with it." 

Donna took his words as a jab at her ability to anticipate his needs, and internalized it accordingly. "I'm sorry, Josh. I'll have someone fix it. Look, you need to go--" 

"I'm leaving. Can you finish up that memo I asked for so that I can look at it when I get back?" 

Donna's brain started whirling as she tried to calculate how much time she'd need to get it done. "O-kayyyy, I can probably have it for you by 2pm--" 

"Why, probably?" Josh said, glaring at her a bit as he pulled his suit jacket on. 

"I have an appointment I need to go to while you're out at your meeting. I'll make it as quick as possible and get back here ASAP." Donna headed out to her desk and grabbed her purse and followed him down the hall. 

"What appointment?" Josh asked as they both headed out of the bullpen for the West Wing lobby and exit. 

"It's just…something I need to take care of, Josh, it's not a big deal-- 

"Whatever," he said, distracted and annoyed all at once. "Just do whatever it is you're going to do and get back to your desk, I need that memo if we're going to get it to Bruno on time." 

"Ok, Josh," she said, hurrying to keep up with him. "I'll walk you over to the Hill, I'm headed in your direction anyway." 

In order to keep him from asking about her appointment again, she asked him to describe what was going to happen in the meeting he was heading to with Stackhouse's people. He launched into a tirade about the Senator's staff, wondering out loud why they were trying to screw the President, and ensure that Ritchie won on election-day in the process. Donna shifted her eyes to watch Josh as they walked and he ranted, wondering to herself if his anger was also due in part to the fact that his girlfriend was now one of those staffers. 

Josh and Donna stopped short at a crosswalk, waiting for the light to change. Josh ran a hand through his hair and started shifting his weight impatiently, and checking his watch to see how much time he had. He was about to start yelling again when he and Donna heard the tail end of a conversation between two men who came up to wait for the light behind them. 

"God, I'm so sick of seeing that shooting footage on the TV." 

"I know. It's like free sympathetic publicity for Bartlet and the rest of his clowns. Nobody died, so let's move on, you know?" 

"Yeah," said the first man, oblivious to the identity of the man and woman who stood, stiff-backed, now, in front of him. He laughed a sarcastic laugh. "Although, it's too bad those shooters didn't have better aim. We could have been planning Ritchie's coronation instead of an election in two months. That would have made things so much nicer all the way around." And the two men laughed together, as Donna felt Josh's body go rigid beside her. 

******************* 

Donna threw a desperate look at Josh to read his face to see if there was any chance at all that he hadn't heard the man behind them speak so carelessly. She could tell that she was out of luck, however, and that Josh had heard every word. A look she didn't recognize came over him, like he was about to explode in any variety of ways, none of them healthy. She put her hand on his arm as she felt him start to turn around, slowly, with murder in his eyes; she tried to pull on his arm a bit to make him think twice, but he shook her off, dropping his backpack on the sidewalk in the process. 

Donna turned too, and, with a gasp, recognized the man who had made the last comment - it was Congressman David Davenport, Republican of Florida, and now she was really worried about what Josh might do. She watched as the Congressman's own face registered just who the angry man turning to him was. The laugh he was sharing with his friend, which had been reflected in his smiling face, dissolved into shock and shame as he saw and recognized Josh - the man who had been all over those incessant news reports about the shooting. The man he had sat across from in any number of meetings over the past few years. The man who almost died taking a bullet for Bartlet. 

"Josh!" Donna hissed in his ear. "We need to go." She started trying to tug him along with her, across the street, but Josh wouldn't move. He stood, with clenched fists, staring at the Congressman and his friend, who Donna didn't know by name, but recognized as another House member. 

"Anything else to say, David?" Josh ground out between clenched teeth. 

Davenport was momentarily stunned. "Josh, look, I'm sorry-" the Congressman began, but before he could go any further, Josh took a step towards him. 

Donna now put her body between Josh and the men, and quickly reached down to hook his backpack onto her arm. She then pushed and pulled Josh across the street with her, trying to get Josh as far away from the Congressmen as she could, all the while murmuring, "Come on, Josh. Let's go." Josh stumbled as he walked, because he kept turning to train his rage-filled face on the two men behind him. When they finally crossed the street, Josh angrily shrugged Donna's hand off of his arm and stalked off towards the Capitol building. 

Donna threw one more look behind her to make sure the two men hadn't decided to do something incredibly foolish like follow them to apologize. She would have been incredibly angry too, if she wasn't more worried about Josh's reaction. She couldn't believe that Josh hadn't decked the guy, and she had no idea what would have happened between them all if she hadn't pulled Josh away. She had only ever seen him this angry, this shaken with rage, one time before…and she was starting to become sick with anxiety about him now. "Josh, are you ok?" she said, her voice quavering again as she tried to process how best to help him out. 

"I'm fine," he said, with anger and bitterness in his voice, as he kept glaring behind him. "I'm just great. Where's my meeting?" 

Donna's eyes went wide. "Josh, maybe you should postpone--" 

"There's no *time* to postpone this meeting, Donna!" Josh exploded, looking at her now and throwing his hands in the air. "Not if we don't want to have Ritchie *coronated* in two months," he said with a sneer and a jerk of his head towards the area where the two men had been. He yanked his backpack out of Donna's hands and stalked off towards the Capitol without saying goodbye. 

Donna stood, her hand pressed to her heart in an unconscious effort to keep it whole and to calm herself down. She watched Josh walk away until she couldn't see him anymore, then checked her watch and started hurrying down the street. 

*************** 

Once he left his meeting, Josh walked back outside, still seething and still angry. His cell phone rang with a sharp chirp. 

"Lyman." 

"It's Amy." 

"Did I forget something in the room?" he asked, already out of patience. 

Amy ignored that. "What's the matter with you?" 

"I'm fine." 

"You didn't seem fine during the meeting. You were short with everyone, you were agitated, and you practically ignored the Senator. You were distracted, Josh, for the whole 10 minutes you managed to grace us with your presence. What's your problem?" 

Josh had no response for that. He just let the silence speak for him. 

"Do you wanna tell me about it?" she asked in a voice that clearly indicated that she hoped he wouldn't. 

"Not really," he answered in response to her question. *What would I say?* he thought to himself. *What would _you_ say if I told you that I feel like I want to choke someone right now, and I almost acted on that earlier, with a US Congressman on the receiving end of my efforts. I don't know if I'll be able to get the President elected again; it's going to take a miracle and a heroic effort to make it happen. And I don't know if I can work that miracle, and it's become very clear to me that I'll never be your hero. I have nightmares about being shot, and you're not the person I want holding me when I wake up in a panic. You're not the person I want to have checking up on me right now,* he thought with a mix of misery and rage and confusion and hurt. He laughed mirthlessly to himself as he realized that one thing he wasn't worried about was fixing his deteriorating relationship with Amy. It really didn't matter in the least to him anymore. 

"Is this about me working for Stackhouse?" she asked, clearly not getting the big picture. 

"No," Josh said with an incredulous laugh. *Today, of all days, she has no idea why I'm this upset,* he thought bitterly to himself. "This is not about you working for Stackhouse. Not everything's about you, Amy. In fact, most everything in my life is not about you," he said, pointedly. 

There was silence on her end, at that. "Wow," she finally said, sarcastically. "Well. I think that pretty much sums it all up, doesn't it, J?" 

"Pretty much," he said, finally glad that this thing with Amy was coming to an end. 

"Well, ok then. Glad to see I was wrong about you being a hit-and-run guy, Josh," she said with a sardonic sneer in her voice. "Good luck in November," she added with zero sincerity as she slammed the phone down on her end. 

Josh swore under his breath, and then turned to head for a nearby restaurant to grab something to eat before heading back to the office. 

*************** 

"Thanks for meeting me, Donna," 

"No problem," she said as she sat down at the table, her voice clearly strained and her mind clearly somewhere else. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Nothing, Casey," she said, lifting her water glass to her mouth with a shaking hand. "It's just…it's been a busy morning. Look, I'm sorry, I don't have time for a full lunch, Casey, I…I have to get back. What did you want to talk to me about?" 

Casey narrowed his eyes at his old friend, clearly knowing that she was upset but that she wasn't going to tell him about it. He let it go, for now. "You know what I want to talk to you about." 

Donna sighed. "And here I was hoping you had decided to leave Shelley and ask me to run away with you," she said, managing a weak smile for him, and envying, for a moment, the love he had for his beautiful wife, who was also a friend of Donna's from her few years at the University of Wisconsin. 

"No such luck," he said, reaching over and grabbing her hand and giving it a squeeze. "Come work for me." 

"Casey…" 

"Donna, I know you feel like you owe it to the President to stick around…" 

"I owe it to *Josh* to stick around," she said absently, looking down at the empty space on the table before her. She caught herself, then, and looking up, added, "And the President, of course." 

Her prioritizing didn't go unnoticed, but Casey let it slide. "At any rate, what happens if you guys lose on November 5th? Donna, I *have* to fill this position, and I have to fill it now. I want *you* I've held up the hiring process to give you time to think about it. Why do you want to continue to *just* be Josh Lyman's assistant?" 

Donna bristled at that. "I'm a damn good assistant, Casey." 

"Donna, with us, you'll *have* an assistant. You'd be the Issues Director for capitolscoop.com. I *know* you'll be making way more money than the government's paying you. This is a step up, Donna; it's the opportunity of a lifetime!" 

Donna closed her eyes as she struggled with the words she couldn't tell Casey. *I can't leave him now,* she thought desperately to herself. *I don't think I can leave him, ever.* 

She struggled to put her thoughts into words that she could say out loud. "Casey, it's just that this would be the worst time for me to leave…" 

He read pain in her eyes, and the friend in him was pissed off that something about that job was upsetting her so badly. He had one way to make it better, and he wanted her to take it. "Donna, I have to let the board of directors know by tomorrow. I'm going to need a final answer then." 

"Casey, then I'm sorry, but the answer--" 

Casey cut her off with a shake of his head. "Don't answer me now. Think about it tonight, really think about it, Donna, and then call me by 9am tomorrow. Here," he said, dipping into his briefcase, on the chair next to his own, and pulling out a folder. "Here's the business plan, and information about the role we see the web site playing on the Hill, and around the country. There's no one else that does the sort of thing we're going to do, Donna. We're funded for a year, and we're going to make a success of it in that time, I just know it," he said with a determination that made her smile and laugh finally. "I want you on board. You can help make this happen, be with us from the ground up, be part of the success I know we're going to have. Promise me you'll think about it tonight," he said, looking into her eyes. 

At that moment, Josh came into the restaurant, looked around for a waitress so he could order some food to go, and saw Donna, sitting half-way across the room, as she smiled, nodded her head, and said "Ok" to Casey Reid. He watched as Casey smiled back, squeezed her hand, and handed her a thick business folder with the logo for capitolscoop.com emblazoned across the front. He watched as they began to go through the packet of information together, and his mind began to spin. 

*Casey Reid,* Josh's mind screamed. *He's the guy who offered her that other job. Why is she smiling…what is she saying "OK" to? Did he…that son of a bitch. She said she had an appointment…is this it? _This_ is her appointment…another job interview? Did he just offer her the job again?!?* Josh's thoughts were jumbled and colliding as he clenched his fists and let a wave of anger wash over him. *What the hell does she think she's…Oh my god. She said 'OK' to him. She said yes. She's taking the job. She's leaving me. Today, of all days, she's leaving me?* Josh took a step backwards as that thought took over his mind, and mixed with all the other points of anger that had built over the day. 

And Josh literally felt the one thing tethering him to sanity snap free, and heard a rushing sensation in his ears that made his head start to swim. 

*She's leaving me. She…how can she do this? When did this happen? What else hasn't she been telling me?* 

The last time he had felt this estranged from her, this unsure of her telling him the whole truth, was when she told him about Cliff and the diary. *What else hasn't she been telling me?* he thought again, desperately and angrily. Josh watched her smile, and laugh a bit as she continued to talk to Casey, and then couldn't stand to look at her anymore. Josh turned, bumping into someone abruptly, and then pushing past them without apologizing, to rush out into the heat of a late-August afternoon. 

In a haze, he stepped to the curb, and hailed a passing cab. He had the cabbie bring him to the nearest liquor store and wait as he went in to make a purchase. Then he had the cabbie bring him home, in the middle of the day. And on the ride back, he kept his hands tightly clenched, and angry eyes unfocused on the passing scenery, as his mind kept repeating the same phrase, over and over again: *She's leaving me.* 


	2. Having Faith - MATURE Version 2

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 2  
The Meltdown**

Josh sat in the dark, brooding in simmering silence as he watched smiling, gloating Republicans celebrating the third night of their Convention on his TV. He glanced up when his apartment's buzzer sounded, but ignored it, furrowing his brow and hoping that whoever it was would just leave already. "I'm fine!" he shouted to the empty, dim room, even though the person downstairs wouldn't be able to hear him. He was beyond being rational at this point. 

The visitor continued to hit the button, however. Josh snapped off his couch, sloshing beer out of his bottle and over his coffee table. He jabbed an index finger into the "talk" button on his intercom, and demanded, "What?!" 

A worried Donna answered. "Josh, it's me. I…I wanted to make sure you were ok. Can I come up?" 

"Whatever," Josh muttered, hitting the "door" button to release the locks downstairs. He was in a fighting mood, why not go ten rounds with Donna? He threw open the front door of his apartment, so that she could just come in when she got to his floor, and stomped back to his place on the couch. 

Donna appeared in the doorway, and carefully closed the door behind her. She had worn a pretty tank-style business dress today, in light blue; she kept a blazer on over it in the air-conditioned West Wing, but the night was humid and she carried the matching jacket under her arm. Josh glanced over and for the millionth time felt his stomach churn when he watched her lean, beautifully pale arms flex and reach for a peg to hang the coat on, and her calves tighten as she reached on tip-toe in her high-heeled sandals. The familiar beginnings of desire for her began to build within him, and for once, he didn't automatically start thinking about Strom Thurmond in his underwear or the other woman he was supposedly ensorcelled by in order to stem the tide of Donna-lust that he had fought for the past half-decade. Tonight, he was drunk enough, and angry enough, and tired enough, to not be careful and sensible. So as she hung the jacket on his hall tree beside the door, he watched her with hard eyes. 

Donna didn't know what to do with herself; how or where to stand or sit, or what to say, and that unnerved her almost as much as the anger radiating off of Josh. She had, for all intents and purposes, lived here with him when he was recovering from the shooting; she knew where everything was, from the cleaning supplies to the cans of tomato soup he stockpiled for cold, rainy days. She used to be very easy in that space. And she used to be very easy with Josh. She spent the majority of every day for the last five years with him, walking with him, talking to him, cajoling him, teasing him, assisting him, anticipating him, reminding him. And now she had absolutely no idea how to approach him. 

She had seen him physically broken and battered after Rosslyn, and she saw him frustrated and angry at himself and the world that next Christmas, and she had feared *for* him, both times. But now, she actually feared *him* a little bit, because she had never seen him this purely…*enraged* before. He looked like a coiled rattlesnake, just waiting for the right moment to attack, and she felt like she just walked into the snake pit. The uncertainty she felt about her role in his life made her unsure of how to help, or if she should. And she had a sick feeling that for some reason, he was angry at her, too. 

Josh hadn't come back to the office after his meeting with Stackhouse, and he hadn't answered his cell phone, or home phone, or messages all day. Donna didn't know how to brace herself for whatever was about to come, but she gathered her courage and tried anyway. *Here goes,* she thought. "Josh. H…How are you?" 

He took a long sip of his beer, and just glared at her from where he sat. 

*Ok, let's try humor.* "How many of those beers have you had there, Josh? Because you know--" 

"Donna, I'm a grown man, I'll drink as many fucking beers as I want. I don't want to hear about my sensitive fucking system. Actually, you know what? I'm tired of beer. Time for whiskey." He crossed in front of the couch, brushed brusquely past her, and into the kitchen. He grabbed the bottle of Jim Beam from the kitchen pantry counter, a lowball glass from a cabinet above, and returned to the couch. He poured himself a half-glass, and knocked it back in one gulp. 

Donna's eyes went wide, and she started twisting her hands in anxiety. Her mind was spinning - she'd never seen Josh so out of control as he had been all day. She hadn't actually seen him put his hand through the windowpane that Christmas, but was this the sort of anger that had forced him to hurt himself like that, back then? Was this a repeat of the PTSD? What the hell was going on? Should she call Leo? Or CJ - their "first call" person? Sam, as Josh's best friend? Amy? She didn't know what to do - but she didn't think she could bring herself to just leave. 

Donna moved and sat on the arm of the couch furthest away from Josh's hunched body. The hem of her dress naturally inched up over her lower thighs as she crossed her legs at the calves, and Josh ground his teeth and swore under his breath at the sight. "Josh," she tried again. *Let's try honesty now,* she thought, a bit desperately. "I…I'm really worried about you, and I don't know what to do. Those men today--" 

"Are you going to do it, Donna?" 

"What?" Donna was completely stunned by Josh's interruption, and didn't know what he was talking about. 

"After the Stackhouse meeting, I went to the pub to get a sandwich. I saw you with Casey. You gonna do it? You gonna jump ship on me now?" 

Donna was stunned for a moment. "Josh, listen, I--" 

"No, really, I mean, I think I deserve to be the first to know just when it is you're going to desert me. I mean, you know, I only saved your ass not once, but twice, when Dr. Freeride decided that he was through with you--" 

Donna now jumped off the couch and took a step back, recoiling from Josh's words. "Josh, I told you, I left Dr…I mean, Brian, it was--" 

"Whatever, Donna. I'm not done yet. I gave you a job - one that you weren't qualified for, I might add; I helped you cover up a lie to the United States fucking Congress…" 

Donna now took another step back, and continued twisting her hands unconsciously. "You're right, Josh," she said quietly, with tears starting to pool in her eyes. "You've done a lot for me, I don't know how I can ever repay you…" 

"Oh, I know how you're going to repay me, by LEAVING me to go work for some stupid Internet company where you'll be in over your head in a week…just in time for it to go under. Hope they give you a nice severance package when they go Chapter 11, Donna. Just don't come crying back to me again for another job." 

Tears spilled over her cheeks. "Josh…I don't understand…why are you doing this--" 

Suddenly, a familiar voice came over the TV, and stopped Donna cold.Josh's head snapped back around to the set when he heard Cliff Calley answering Ted Koppel's questions about the resurgent Republicans with a smile on his lips. Josh turned his head back to Donna, with eyes black as night, glittering with anger, and then with his next words, he crossed one final, uncrossable line, and changed the course of his life. 

*************** 

Josh laughed a bitter, mirthless laugh. "Well. Now I know why you're here; your idiot Republican boyfriend's busy on Nightline. Thanks for fitting me in." 

Donna was horrified as she realized what Josh was assuming. "Josh, I *told* you, I'm not seeing Cliff anymore, I haven't since the diary thing--" 

Josh interrupted, coldly. "Whatever. Like I'd believe you." He paused, looked back at Calley on the TV, and then threw back another shot of the whiskey. And then, he crossed the final line. "I can't believe you slept with that loser. Hope getting laid by that jackass was worth it." 

Donna felt like she got hit with a punch; she gasped and covered her mouth with one hand, stood and backed a few steps away towards the sidewall. Tears streaked down her face as she began to cry openly now. "Josh, how can you *say* that to me?" 

"No, really, I mean it, Donna. I hope he was the best you've ever had." Josh was just getting warmed up now, reveling in how mean he could possibly be. "What'd you write about him in that diary that was so good, you had to lie about it, Donna? Huh? Come on, Donnatella," he demanded with a sneer. "I'm *dying* to know. What were you protecting him from? Was he that good? What was it about him that turned you on? Was it exciting to sleep with the forbidden enemy? Was the thrill in knowing how bad you'd be screwing us all over in the process? Really, I'm fascinated. Tell me all about it." 

Donna was sobbing into her hands now. "Please, Josh, listen to me…" 

Finally, Josh's mind snapped. He jumped to his feet and screamed, "Tell me!" at the top of his lungs. 

Suddenly, finally, Donna pushed past the fingers of fear she was feeling, and rage pushed into her soul. Josh actually watched her undergo the transformation; her face went from abject devastation, to shock, to sharp-edged anger in the span of seconds. "That's *it,*" she said, on an icy, shaky breath. 

She started heading for the door, and Josh tried to cut her off, putting his body between her and her exit route. She used all of her strength to push Josh away from her, and managed to knock him onto the couch. Before Josh could recover, she stood over him, hauled back, and slapped him across the face as hard as she could. 

Before his head came back to where she had stood, Donna was at the door. Shaking, she pulled it open, and wiped the tears from her face. She stood, trembling with rage in the doorway, silhouetted by the light in the hallway. She pulled herself upright, shook the hair away from her still-soaked face and turned towards him. She spoke, now, in a low, clear voice, and with a chill and deadly seriousness that made *Josh* start to feel the beginnings of fear. 

"I wasn't going to take that job with Casey, Josh. I was going to give up more money than I ever thought I'd be making, a director's position, my own office, something for myself. I was going to give that all up so I could keep on assisting *you.* But now I *am* taking that job. Right now, I don't know why I ever thought it was a hard decision." 

She paused, and when Josh tried to start talking again, she cut him off with a hard stare and an edge to her voice. "No, I get to do the talking now. I never want to see you again. Don't try to contact me, or I'll make you regret it. Leo will have my resignation in the morning." 

It was as if the fear that Donna had forced out of herself suddenly took root in the pit of Josh's gut. The slap sobered him up, almost instantly, and he started to feel a cold wave wash over him. *Oh, God,* he thought, *what have I done?* 

"I never slept with Cliff, Josh. In fact, I never slept with any of the 'local gomers.' I never even slept with Dr. Freeride. You just assumed that I did. You just assumed that I've fucked every guy who bought me dinner, because hey, I'm just pathetic enough to let them, right?" 

Josh's eyes went wide, and he started to try to speak again. 

"NO!" Donna shouted, not caring who in the hallway heard her at this late hour. "You'll listen to me now, damn you. That's right, Josh, I'm a virgin. Cliff never had me. No one ever has." 

And now she let out a bitter laugh of her own. "But I'll tell you what, Josh. No one has ever screwed with me the way you did tonight, and no one has ever violated me the way you just did. And I will never forgive you for that. I have devoted my life to you for five fucking years, Josh. FIVE YEARS! I have had nothing else in my life except you. That ends here and now." 

She grabbed her jacket off of the hall tree, and grabbed the handle of the door. Josh was stunned, sitting in a heap on the couch, his eyes wide with fear. 

"And one more thing, Josh, before I go. Just so we're clear. I didn't lie to Congress to protect Cliff Calley. I lied to protect you. YOU are all I've written about in that diary for the last five years. You. Just you. Only you." And on one final sob, her voice broke. "You bastard." 

Donna slammed the door behind her, ran down the stairs, and into the night. 


	3. Having Faith - MATURE Version 3

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter Three  
Who Do You Need Us To Be?**

Josh sat on the couch in stunned silence. A few minutes before, every fiber of his body was pulsing with an anger he didn't know he could possess. He had hated the world, the Republicans, the shooters at Rosslyn, the President for lying and breaking their trust…but what had capped it all was his hatred of the situation he was in: this web-like trap that had been spun around him, forcing him into daily, exhausting efforts to not be in love with his assistant. And it had finally broken him. He hated worrying about touching her too much in the office, about not being able to touch her enough; he hated not being able to hold her; he hated that she spent time with other men; he hated that he couldn't have her; he hated he hated he hated. And today, all the points of anger and fatigue and hatred and fear came together, and ignited…and exploded in the worst possible way. 

Shaking, Josh stood up and crossed to the cordless phone in his kitchen. He dialed the first of two memorized numbers. 

A sleepy female voice answered. "'Lo?" 

"CJ?" 

"Josh?" 

"Yeah." 

"Are you ok?" 

In answer to her question, CJ received silence for a moment. "No. I need you to come over…I…I can't drive myself to you right now." 

"Josh, what happ--" 

"CJ, you're my first call. I need help. Please…" 

"Ok. Josh, I'm on my way. Call my cell if you need me before I get there." 

"Ok." 

He clicked the phone off and on again, and dialed the second number. 

Another sleep-laden voice, this time male. "Seaborn…hello?" 

"Sam, it's Josh." 

"Josh, what's wrong, it's after midnight--" 

"Sam." 

"Josh?" 

"I…I need your help, Sam. I just made a 'first call' call to CJ. Can you come over?" 

Sam stood silent in his own apartment, trying to process Josh's words. It took him a few long seconds, but he quickly caught on that something was very, very wrong. "What happened, Josh?"' 

"Just come over, ok? I only want to have to relive this once." 

"Ok. Give me twenty minutes." Sam clicked off. 

Josh sat back down on the couch, put his head in his hands, and started to panic. 

*Oh God oh God oh God…what have I done?* His mind whirled, and then images flashed across his brain…Donna backing away from him…Donna, standing there, shaking and crying…the shock and hurt and pain in her eyes. *Oh, God, the things I said to her…* 

A wave of nausea hit him, and Josh staggered into his bathroom, and he retched and puked into his toilet for what seemed like ages. Beer and whiskey and bile scorched his throat as he vomited again and again into the bowl. He collapsed, heaving, onto the floor, and then heard his doorbell sound again. 

He stood up, turned on the faucet, washed out his mouth and splashed water on his face, and turned to buzz in his friends and meet his fate. 

*************** 

CJ and Sam must have arrived at the same time, because they were both at his apartment door when he opened it. CJ took off her trench coat to reveal red silk pajamas; Sam had on hastily-donned shorts and a paint-splattered old T-shirt. 

Josh sat back down on the couch, and ran a quaking hand through his hair. 

CJ and Sam looked at Josh, and then exchanged worried looks with each other. CJ snapped on the overhead light, and moved to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. Sam went over, grabbed the bottle of whiskey and Josh's glass, and carried them into the kitchen. He returned empty-handed, snapped off the TV, and sat in the recliner next to the couch. CJ came back over as the coffee began to drip, and sat on the coffee table across from Josh. She could tell she had a waking nightmare in the works here. 

"Josh, who do you need Sam and me to be right now? Are we your friends, or are we the White House Press Secretary and your lawyer? What sort of 'bad' is this?" 

Josh just looked at them with wild eyes. "I don't know that you're going to want to be my friends after what I'm about to tell you," he whispered. 

And he leaned back, pressed a hand to his throbbing forehead, and began talking. He told them everything, babbling at times. They already knew that he was strung out and stressed over re-election, about the betrayal by Bartlet, about the anniversary of Rosslyn. They lived that as much as he did. 

But then he told them about what they didn't know, the additional pressure points that had come together to put him over the edge. He told them about Donna and Cliff and the diary, and what he had done to protect her. He tried to ignore the horrified look on Sam's face when he told her about the secret meeting the three of them had had in the park that night, months before. Josh pushed on, telling them about the two Congressmen today, their callous words and what that had done to him. He told them about the conversation with Amy, and that they had broken up on the phone. 

And then Josh told them about what he saw when he walked into the pub that afternoon, about seeing Donna and Casey, and how he assumed that she was accepting the job offer. Josh told them how he left in a daze, and came home to get good and drunk. 

Josh paused now, trying to find the courage to tell them what happened next, and once again tried to avoid looking at their faces. Slowly, with a hand over his eyes, he told them about Donna coming over to see how he was. And the horrible things he said to her, and how he snapped when he saw Calley come on his TV screen. CJ's eyes grew wide when he haltingly told them how he said every horrible thing he could, to hurt her as much as he was hurting. When he, with shame, told them about accusing her of letting Calley "fuck" her, CJ could no longer remain silent. 

"Josh…how *could* you? I mean, aside from all that's wrong with this professionally, Donna's your *friend,* I don't understand…" 

And Josh cut her off with the truth that he finally could no longer deny. "Because I'm in love with her, CJ!" he said with desperation. "For God's sake, I've been in love with her for YEARS, and the thought of her…with him…I thought she lied about the diary to protect Calley, and that's why we had such a rough patch during the hearings. You guys even asked me, then, why Donna and I weren't getting along. That was why. Because I thought she lied to Congress to protect that *man* she let *touch* her, and that she somehow *betrayed me* in the process. When…oh, God," and Josh broke down into sobs now. "I couldn't take it anymore, knowing that he had had her, I…oh God..." he said, his voice trailing off as he remembered. CJ's eyes widened at the horror she imagined she was about to hear. 

"Josh, what?" Sam asked, afraid of the answer. 

Josh hung his head between his knees, buried in his hands. "I said every hurtful thing I could think of saying to her," he said with a wince, "and then said a whole bunch more. I screamed at her. She…she finally had had enough, and headed for the door, and I tried to stop her, and…she pushed me away, and slapped me, and told me…" and now Josh burst into hysterical, sobbing laughter. "After all this time, after all the time I spent agonizing over every date she went on, torturing myself by thinking about her with other men, she told me that she didn't sleep with Calley, and that she lied about the diary to protect *me*, not him." He looked up at the people into whose hands he had placed his life. "She wrote about *me* in her diary, not him." He looked like he was going to be sick again. "She told me she's resigning, and that she never wants to see me again,and that I need to stay away from her." 

Sam quietly asked a question he already knew the answer to. "Why didn't you ever tell her you loved her, Josh?" 

Josh just rolled his eyes at Sam. "Please, Sam. Think about it." Because she was his assistant. Because Josh was selfish enough to want to keep her as his assistant and not upset his balanced world by having her reassigned. Because it would cause a scandal. Because they couldn't afford another scandal. Because he was scared. Because he didn't want to love someone that much. Really, it wasn't that hard to figure out. 

CJ sat very still, and very straight, her hands pressed to her temples and her eyes glaring at Josh. Sam just looked stunned, his hands clenched into fists. They were silent for long, long minutes, with only the sounds of the percolation of the coffee pot and Josh's harsh breathing filling up the dark, empty rooms. 

"What am I going to do?" he asked them, with pleading eyes. 

*************** 

CJ still hadn't moved from her stunned position on the coffee table. She finally stood and walked towards Josh's front door. "I'll be right back," she said, coolly. "I need a minute." 

She grabbed her trench coat and ran down the stairs and out into the night. She fished her cell phone out of her coat pocket, and dialed Donna's number. 

CJ wasn't surprised to get Donna's answering machine. *Do I leave a message?* CJ wondered, knowing full well that Donna had every right to launch any number of lawsuits against Josh, and a replaying of the tape of the Press Secretary on her answering machine in open court would be a prosecutor's dream. Against every political instinct that she had, she decided to leave a message - she had to. 

"Donna, it's CJ. Look, I'm with Josh; he called me when you left, and told me…what's going on. I'm calling because I'm *your* friend, too, and I just want you to know, that I'm worried about you, and I just want to make sure you're ok. He's…. it's inexcusable, Donna, and I'm not going to try to explain his actions away. I'm not calling for him, or the White House…I'm calling for me, and I'm not going to tell Josh that I did this." 

CJ hesitated…and then spoke again "Donna, I don't know if you think you'll be able to talk to me about this, if you do, then my door is always open, and I won't spin this against you. I would never do that to you. You did nothing wrong here. If you don't want to talk to me, please, please find someone else you can talk to - don't handle this alone. I love you, and I'm so, so sorry this happened to you." 

CJ snapped her cell phone shut, and stood, seething, in the humid night. 

CJ buzzed to be let back inside, and it didn't seem as though much had happened between the two men since she left. She poured herself a cup of coffee, and sat back down on the table in front of Josh. She looked at Sam, and raised her eyebrows, as if to say, "What now?" 

Sam cleared his throat. He started to speak, but then stopped, stood and started to pace. He tried again, gesturing with his hands as he spoke. "I don't know what to do, or say, right now, Josh. I'm at such a…a *loss* right now to know how to deal with this. There's the part of me that's your friend, and that part of me is worried about you beyond belief right now. I *know* you, I know you're a good person, and that's why I'm so scared of this…this…this *anger* that you have in you that is big enough, and strong enough, to overpower you and your good judgement. I'm scared of this thing in you that's strong enough to make you verbally abuse a woman you say you're in love with. This anger you have within you is big enough to make you risk everything you've ever worked for in your life – this life in politics that you've always wanted. So as your friend, I'm worried sick about you. And I'm frustrated by all the external things, beyond your control, that helped push you to this point…Rosslyn, MS, everything else." 

Sam stopped pacing, and stood still, and looked Josh in the eye. "And, since I'm your friend, but more importantly, since I'm also *her* friend, I am also beyond pissed at you right now. How *dare* you treat Donna that way? She has done nothing but save your life, literally and figuratively, since the moment she walked into the campaign headquarters all those years ago!" Sam was working up to an angry, fevered pitch now. "I love her like a sister, and I don't know if *I'll* ever forgive you for hurting her like that. You're a better man than that, Josh." 

Sam began pacing again, while Josh just stared at the floor and listened. "Then there's the lawyer and White House representative in me, who wants to start worrying about sexual harassment lawsuits, or what this will do to your career, to re-election, what this will do to the President, hell, what this will do to all of us and our chances for another four years. I mean, as long as we're being honest here. There's the lawyer in me who can't believe you helped Donna cover up a lie to Congress, and there's the friend in me who wants to applaud you for doing so. There's the lawyer in me who wants to run over to Donna's right now, and beg her to stay quiet about this, buy her off if we have to…and then there's the friend in me who would rather burn in hell than have to ask Donna to do *anything* for you right now - you don't deserve a goddamn thing from her." Josh flinched as that truth set in. 

"So, again, I don't know what to say, or do, right now, Josh. I am at such a loss for trying to figure out how to fix this for you…and a big part of me doesn't think I should even try. I care about you, and I know you care about Donna, but what you did here tonight, to her, to us, to yourself…is almost unforgivable!" 

Josh winced at the truth behind Sam's words, and buried his head in his hands. 

CJ nodded to everything that Sam had said, and then started trying to think of what she could do, as the Press Secretary, and as Josh's friend, to try to make this better. 

She tried very hard to tamp down the nagging fear that she just might not be able to. 

*************** 

CJ turned back to Josh. "Do you think you should still be working right now, Josh? I mean, clearly, you're under an inordinate amount of stress…I'm trying to think of what Leo would say to you if he were here. Hell, I'm trying to figure out if we should *call* Leo right now." 

Josh ran his hands over his face, and heard Leo's words from that dark Christmas Eve ringing in his ears: "As long as I have a job, you have a job." Josh wondered if he finally had done the thing that would make Leo fire him. And he knew that he had every right to be fired over this. *That's the _least_ of what should be done to me for this,* Josh thought, miserably. 

CJ's mind had been going a mile a minute since Josh first started talking. She was terrified that she wasn't going to be able to be objective enough to handle this the right way. She didn't see how they'd win re-election without Josh, but she was more concerned with making sure he was emotionally stable enough to live his life once the election was decided. 

"Ok," She began, sighing. The Press Secretary in her was beginning to take over. "I think what you say to Leo should be in direct correlation to what Donna puts in that resignation letter. If she outlines exactly what happened here tonight, or hints at a lawsuit, well then, my friend, you're gonna have to come very clean with Leo. About all of it. However, if she merely resigns, and keeps the reasons to herself, I think you should keep the diary cover-up story to yourself, basically because I think the fewer people who know what you two did, the better off we'll all be. Most importantly, the better off Donna will be; for her sake, we don't want it getting out that she lied. You can just tell Leo that your professional relationship was compromised by your personal feelings for her, and you guys had it out, and she can't work for you anymore." 

Josh nodded, still not willing to believe fully that Donna wouldn't be sitting at her desk tomorrow, waiting to help him. 

Now the friend in CJ began to emerge. "Are you still in therapy?" 

"No, I stopped sometime last year." 

"Well, you're going back. Call tomorrow and set yourself up an appointment for this week, tomorrow if at all possible. Did you like the last therapist, did you think they were helpful?" 

"Yeah. I think I convinced myself that I was fine, that I didn't need to see him anymore, that's why I stopped going." 

"Well, now you'll go again. Does he deal with anger-management?" 

"Yeah." 

"Good." 

CJ sighed, looked at Sam, and then looked at Josh again. "Josh, I don't know what to do here regarding your job. I think if we tell Leo, he'll at least make you take time off, but he might even be pissed enough to fire you. I'm torn, because we need you right now…but I don't know if you'll *survive* until November if you're fired or if you don't get help." She thought for a moment. "Josh, is this what it was like…I mean, is this what happened…" 

"…That Christmas?" Josh finished, looking up at CJ with agony in his eyes. "Yeah. Except then, I just hurt myself." 

"How did you get through it?" Sam asked. 

Josh looked at him miserably. "I had Donna," he croaked, and buried his head in his hands again. 

"Well," said Sam with a frustrated sigh. "Now you don't. Pack a bag, you're coming to stay with me." 

"Why?" 

"Because right now I don't trust you to not do something destructive to yourself. And I don't have Jim Beam at my apartment." 

Josh looked at Sam, and then slowly nodded. He wearily got up off the couch, then looked at his friends. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. 

"So are we, Josh," CJ answered. "Go pack. We're not going anywhere." 

CJ looked at Sam while Josh slowly rummaged for clean clothes in his bedroom. "Right now," CJ said, rubbing her neck with her hand, "right now, I fully see just how much we sat back and let Donna handle him. We were able to go on running the country after Rosslyn, because Donna did such a good job getting him back on his feet. And we were able to worry less after that Christmas, because once again, Donna held him together. And tonight, when we all knew he was on the edge, who was friend enough to come here and try to save him once again? Donna." CJ squeezed her eyes shut in pain. "We're almost as bad as he is. Who the hell has been there for Donna?" 

Sam began pacing again. "Donna should have said something, CJ, she should have--" 

"She wouldn't," CJ interrupted. "You know why? Because up until an hour ago, she was in love with him, too. And that's how she protected him - she's done nothing but try to save him from himself. And this is the thanks that she got." 

Sam looked stricken, and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm worried about him, CJ. I'm afraid for him," he said, anxiously glancing towards Josh's bedroom, where they could hear him opening drawers and filling an overnight bag. 

"I am too," CJ said, with sadness in her eyes. "I am too." 


	4. Having Faith - MATURE Version 4

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 4  
With Great Regret**

Margaret wandered into her office at 6:15am, flicking lights on as she settled behind her desk and clicked on her computer. *Jeez,* she thought, as she noted the blinking red light on her phone console, *I already have voice mail messages? It's gonna be one of those days.* She hung up her suit jacket on the rack in the corner, pulled the cover off of her coffee and took a long sip. She cradled the phone receiver between her shoulder and ear and dialed into the voicemail system. There was one message, left at 4:35am. 

"Margaret, it's Donna. I…Margaret, I sent a fax over to Leo, I need you to go pick it up and make sure he gets it first thing. I…I'm resigning. I can't work for Josh anymore, and I got another offer, and it's just going to be best if I go now. I need to ask you a favor. Can you please try to get over to my desk and get my personal stuff out of it for me before Josh comes in? I need the pictures on my desk, and everything in the bottom right-hand drawer. Please box it all up and mail it to my apartment, I've asked my landlord to watch for it. Margaret, I'm sorry this is so…sudden, I'm going to miss you so much…I hope we can still see each other, lunches or on weekends, maybe...Anyway. I'm not going to be staying at my apartment for a few weeks…if you need to reach me, use my Yahoo email address, I'll try to check it every day. One more thing, my computer logon password is 'redlights,' no space, no caps, in case anyone needs to get anything on there. Thank you, Margaret…for everything. I'll email you soon. Bye." 

Margaret sat, stunned, a pencil held loosely in one hand, dangling over the message pad she had started taking the message on. She was as baffled by the message itself as by the sadness and...anger? she had heard in Donna's recorded voice. Margaret got up and bolted over to the fax machine. On top was a cover sheet, addressed to Leo, from Donna, sent from a Kinko's on Massachusetts Avenue at 4:07am. The second page was the resignation letter. 

  
_______________________  
8/29/02 

Dear Mr. McGarry: 

It is with great regret that I submit my resignation to you. For personal reasons, I find I am no longer able to carry out my responsibilities as Assistant to Joshua Lyman and the Deputy Chief of Staff's office, and I hope that you will accept this resignation. I have been offered a job outside the White House, and will be accepting that position this morning. I regret that I will be unable to give you the courtesy of 2-weeks' notice, as is customary in situations like this; however, I know that my workspace is well-organized, and a new Assistant or temporary worker should have no problem understanding my filing system. 

Sir, please know that I will be forever grateful to you, and to President Bartlet, for the support you have shown me over the past five years. You all took a chance on me at a very low point in my life, when I needed a break; you offered me innumerable opportunities for growth and to make a difference. I will forever be proud to say that I worked in President Bartlet's White House, and for all of you. 

Margaret knows how to get in contact with me if you require anything more in writing from me; she also knows the passwords for my computer files, so that my replacement can access them. 

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I will miss you all, and you have my vote in November. 

Sincerely, 

Donnatella Moss  
___________________________ 

Margaret held the paper between shaking fingers, and just then heard Leo come in behind her. 

"Good morning, Margaret," he said distractedly, already perusing the headlines on the Washington Post in his hand. 

"Leo…" 

"I know it's early, but as soon as possible, can you pull up the stats on--" 

"Leo." 

Leo realized that she was trying to get his attention, and he stopped and looked up at her. "What?" 

Margaret crossed and handed him the fax. She watched his face go from quizzical to surprised to stunned to angry. 

He looked up at her. "Did you know about this?" 

"No. She left me a voicemail, asking me to make sure you got this, and asking me to clean out her desk for her before Josh gets in. Leo, she did all this between 4 and 4:30am this morning…she didn't sound good on the message. What's going on?" 

"I don't know. Did you save the voicemail? Good," he said when she nodded. "Forward it to me. And get Josh on the phone, tell him to get in here. Jesus, it's early for this." 

*************** 

Josh didn't get Margaret's call, since he was at Sam's, but he was up and into the office with Sam by 7:30am anyway. He went right to Leo's office, noting painfully as he passed Donna's desk that her framed pictures weren't there anymore. Sam squeezed Josh's shoulder in support and said, "Come see me when you're done," as Josh turned wearily towards Margaret's desk. 

"Hey, Margaret, is he in?" 

"Yes. We've been trying to find you. Hold on…" 

She got up and went to Leo's door. She came back and warily told Josh that he could go in. *What the hell did he do to make her quit?* she thought angrily to herself. 

"Leo." 

"Josh. You got something you wanna tell me?" 

"Leo. I…did you hear from Donna this morning?" 

"Yes, she faxed us this at 4am." Leo handed the resignation letter over to Josh, who sat in one of Leo's visitor chairs as he read her words. 

*Dear God, after all I did, she's still protecting me,* Josh thought to himself. *She could have skewered me in this letter, hinted or come right out and said why she couldn't be here anymore, asked for my resignation, anything…but she didn't.* Josh was ashamed at the wave of gratitude and relief that washed over him - he didn't deserve her being decent right now. The pain of her words - of the knowledge that she didn't even want to be here for 2 more weeks, let alone another day - hit him like a ton of bricks. 

"Just what the hell's going on, Josh?" 

"It's a long story, Leo." 

"So start talking." 

"Leo…I…I had a really bad day yesterday. The shooting…the anniversary… it's… this has been a hard week." 

Leo nodded. He hadn't slept well this week, either; all of their psychic wounds were healing very slowly. 

"I overheard a couple Republican Congressmen joking about how it was a shame that West Virginia White Pride didn't decide the election for us 2 years ago." 

Leo's eyes lit up with fire. "What are their names?" he demanded. 

"Leo, honestly, in the grand scheme of what I'm about to tell you, they're the least of our problems." 

"Did you confront them?" 

"No…Donna dragged me away." 

"Ok. What then?" 

Josh sighed. This was going to be impossible to get through. "It's been…it was a *bad day,* Leo. "After the Congressmen...I had the Stackhouse meeting, which didn't go well, and then an...unpleasant phone call with Amy. And then I saw Donna having lunch with a guy who I knew had offered her a job a few weeks ago." Josh lifted his eyes briefly to his boss's, then looked down at his hands. "Everything just hit me, caught up with me then, and seeing Donna with Casey Reid was the worst of it all...I...I snapped, Leo, I wasn't thinking clearly, I started assuming that she was taking the job, that she was going to desert me…" 

"Josh. What did you do?" 

Josh couldn't look Leo in the eye, so he stared at the patch of floor between his feet. "She came over to my apartment late last night; she knew I was on the edge; she knew the Congressmen had gotten to me, she knew I wasn't dealing with the anniversary well. She wanted to see if I was ok. And she found me pissed out of my mind on Sam Adams and Jim Beam." 

"Sam and Jim. They used to be very good friends of mine," said Leo sarcastically. "What then?" 

Josh now rested his elbows on his knees, and held his head in his hands as he told Leo the worst part. "I…God, Leo, I flipped out on her. I took it all out on her. I said horrible things to her…I completely abused our friendship and tried to make her feel as horrible as I felt, and I crossed about a million lines and said every horrible thing I possibly could to hurt her. And I did. Badly. And I…oh, God, Leo, I think I made her afraid of me." 

Leo was stunned. "*Why?* Why would you do that…she's your assistant, Josh!" Leo said, thinking first of the professional relationship that had been breached so profoundly. 

Josh raised his eyes to Leo's then. "Because I wasn't treating her like my assistant, I was treating her like the woman I've been in love with and couldn't have for the better part of five years. And I took *that* out on her, too." 

Leo sank back into his chair, and took that bit of news…well, non-news, really, in. He had long suspected that someday, the two of them would figure out what the rest of the world already assumed. He just wished it hadn't taken a whiskey bottle and a recurrence of PTSD in the middle of a re-election fight to make it happen. 

"Is she ok?" 

"I don't know, Leo. She…she slapped me, deservedly so, and she left. She told me she didn't want to see me ever again, and that she was going to resign this morning. It wasn't until she left that I started to think straight, and then I called CJ and Sam, and they came over and talked me through it. I'm not going to call her or try to see her, Leo." Josh rubbed a weary hand over his face before continuing. "I have a call in to my PTSD therapist, I asked for an emergency appointment for sometime today. I'm staying with Sam; he was worried that I'd drink more." 

Josh raised pleading eyes to Leo now. "You have no reason to believe me, but I scared the shit out of myself last night, and I know I need some help. I ruined whatever chance I might have had someday with Donna, and that's killing me right now. I…God, Leo." Now Josh got up to pace the room. "I can't begin to talk about all the things I've realized or that I'm sorry about. But I'm mostly sorry that I hurt her the way I did. I'm committed to getting help, and to making sure that I never go through this again. That I never make anybody else go through this again, either. I thought I was well. I thought I was over it. I'm clearly not." 

And with that, Josh sat back in his chair and waited for Leo's response. 

**************** 

Josh sat back and waited. He had told Leo more than he planned to, and considerably less than the full truth. 

"She could sue you. She could sue us," Leo said. He didn't think she would, but still…. 

"She should," said Josh. "I wouldn't blame her. But she's mad at me, not this administration. I don't believe that she would do anything to hurt the President, and suing me and suing us would do that," he said, sadly. *She should do a lot more to hurt me than sue me,* Josh thought to himself. 

"Can you do this? Can you keep it together until the election? Do I need to fire you to save your life?" Leo asked sternly. 

God, that was the hardest question he ever had to answer. "Leo," he said, a bit desperately, "this is all I know how to do. I have nothing else besides this. After the election, I'll take a month off…you can put me on sick leave, a leave of absence – whatever you want, but right now, I need to make this right. The best way I know how to do that is to make sure that Jed Bartlet has four more years, and that I somehow make it up to Donna for what I've done." 

"I don't know that you *will* be able to make it up to her, son," Leo said, with sadness in his voice. The sadness, and the 'son,' brought tears once again to Josh's eyes. 

"I know," Josh whispered. 

Leo sat quietly for another minute. "So," he finally said. "Looks like you're back in that hole." 

Josh sighed, and lifted his eyes to Leo's. "Yes, Sir," he replied. "And I'm tired of it." 

"Good. Don't forget, we all just jumped right in after you. You're not alone down there. You're gonna get through this. We're gonna help you get through this." Leo paused. "You'll stay with Sam until further notice. If that doesn't work out, then you'll stay with me. I don't want you to be alone." 

"I will…I won't be alone. Thank you, Leo. I'm sorry." 

"Me too, Josh. Send Margaret in, we'll need to call personnel to get you a temp." 

"'Kay." 

"And make sure you give me a schedule of your therapy sessions. You damn well better make every one of them." 

"I will, Leo." 

"Ok. Go now." 

Leo sat down at his desk and buried his face in his hands. His heart was breaking for this man, this surrogate son he loved and worried about, for the young woman who he knew was out there somewhere hurting, and for the loss of what could have been for the two of them. And for the briefest of moments, thinking of his own wife living apart from him, he wondered if it was all going be worth it in the end. Worth the pain, and the fear, and the bullets, and the trips to the hospital, and the nightmares, and the heartbreak, and the loneliness, just to make sure Jed Bartlet remained in office. It was all he had ever wanted, but sometimes…at times like these…it just didn't seem worth the damage it was inflicting on their souls. 

Josh went down the hall to Sam's office, where CJ was waiting. In lowered tones, he filled them in on his conversation with Leo, telling them specifically what he had and had not told Leo about, and telling them about the conditions Leo had set for Josh to follow. With a weary sigh, Josh got up and headed back to his own office, leaving his concerned friends behind him. He closed the door, turned his chair around to look out his window, like Donna used to when she waited for him, and let the tears roll down his face. 

*************** 

Josh was emotionally and physically drained by the time he got back to Sam's empty apartment at 8pm. The shrink had had him come in at 5pm, and Josh spent two emotional hours with him once again going over what had happened. They didn't get much beyond the retelling of the story before time was up, but Josh felt better knowing that he had an impartial person to talk to about it all. And more importantly, one who wouldn't go running to the Republicans to use his words against him or the President. *Thank God for whoever made the law barring doctors from divulging their patients' secrets,* Josh thought ruefully. 

He took a long shower, and then fell into the guest bed, tossing and turning for the better part of an hour before falling into a fitful sleep. His dreams were full of shouting and blood and glass breaking and Donna crying. 

He woke at 3am, and could not fall back asleep. He got up to get a glass of water, and then padded over to the roll-top desk in Sam's living room. He fished around in one of the drawers for some stationary, and, fishing in his backpack, grabbed the Mont Blanc pen that Donna gave him for his last birthday to write the most important letter of his life. 

*************** 

Josh came into CJ's office the next morning, early, looking like hell. He sat down with some folded-up pieces of paper in his hand. 

"Hi," CJ said, softly. "How are you today?" 

Josh looked at her miserably. "Tired. Surviving," he said. He sighed, and then looked up at his friend. "I wrote her a letter." 

CJ's eyes went wide. "Josh." 

"CJ, I had to say--" 

"Josh, no." 

"CJ, I had to say I was sorry. I had to try, and I know she doesn't want to see me, so…" 

"It's a smoking gun, Josh," she said, feeling sharp pang of guilt and fear when she remembered her own voice mail message, left on Donna's machine that night. 

Josh looked up at her with sad eyes. "You don't really think Donna would sue us, do you?" 

"No, but what would Leo say if he was sitting here right now? Is there any way he'd let you send her that letter?" 

"No, and that's why I came in here instead of to Leo's office." 

CJ sat back and glared at him, thinking. "Is that it?" she asked, gesturing to the paper in his hands. 

"Yes." 

"Let me read it, first. There's no way I'm letting you send her something that might…" 

"Ok." Josh handed her the letter, and moved to look out her window while she read it. 

*************** 

CJ reached for the box of Kleenex on the corner of her desk, and wiped the tears off of her face. She lowered the letter and looked at Josh, who had moved back to a visitor's chair and was now busy staring at the floor of her office. "Josh," she began, in a much softer tone than she had before reading the letter. 

"CJ, I need to ask you an enormous favor. I need you to try to give this to her for me. Even if she doesn't read it…even if she just throws it away, at least do that for me, give me the peace of mind to know that she got it, and had the chance to decide whether or not she wants to read it. I can live with it if I know for certain that she at least had it in her hands. Ok?" 

"Ok, Josh. I'll try." 

"CJ, I don't want to know what she says in response. If she tells you to tell me to go to hell…I don't want to know. I'm already there. I need to start trying to figure out how to get over her, or else I won't be able to function anymore. And I can't do that if I'm constantly wondering if she ever got it." 

"Ok, Josh." 

Josh looked at his friend with misery in his eyes. "Thank you, CJ." 

"Josh, oh God, I'm so sorry…" 

Josh smiled ruefully at her, and ran a ragged hand through his hair. "You have nothing to be sorry about, CJ." 


	5. Having Faith - MATURE Version 5

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 5  
Going Yahoo**

CJ sat at the computer in her living room, looking at her keyboard with a frown on her face. An email, on top of the letter, on top of the voicemail. The trail she was leaving behind her from that incident a few days before was growing. She sighed, looked to heaven, hoping that she knew Donna as well as she thought she that did, and took one more chance on her friend. 

_________________  
Date: 9/01/02  
To: donnatella@...   
From: jackalgirl@...   
Re: Hey there, it's CJ 

Donna: I asked Margaret how I might get in touch with you, and she told me that you said you would be checking this email address. I set up my own Yahoo account as a result; I just figured I'd rather do this from my own computer and email account at home than via the White House server. Big Brother and all that. Not that this is the most secure thing, either, but…at least it's not work email. I hope you got my phone message. And I hope that you are doing ok. 

Donna, I'm writing to you as a friend, and I'm writing on behalf of Josh, who is also my friend. He wrote you a letter, to say that he was sorry. He recognizes that he neither deserves your forgiveness, nor expects you to forgive him, and he doesn't expect you to accept his apology or anything ridiculous like that. He just needed closure, and he didn't think he could live with himself without saying he was sorry somehow. And he will honor your request that you not have to see him, or that he not contact you, so that's why he thought of writing something. 

I've read it, because I told him that I would never let you see it if I thought it was threatening, or mean-spirited, or disingenuous, or a lie. I'm happy to say, it's none of those things; what it is, however, is extraordinary, and as your friend, I wish you would think about reading it. I think it's the most honest thing that Josh has ever done. I'd like to give it to you, for you to read today, tomorrow, or next year, whenever. I think it will help you to understand what happened the other night. 

Please email back if you want to have the letter. The only request Josh has made of me is that I try very hard to at least physically place it in your hands. If he knows that you actually got it, then he can live with it if you rip it to shreds without reading it, or if you read it and forget about it right away. So I'm trying to honor that request by emailing you today. 

You know how to get a hold of me. If nothing else, if you'd rather not speak about the letter, or Josh, or whatever, know that we all miss you around here, and you have friends who care about you very much in the West Wing. I'd love to see you to say hello - we could keep the conversation as neutral as you want it to be. We will always try to be here for you if you need us. 

Love, CJ  
_________________ 

_________________  
Date: 9/12/02  
To: jackalgirl@...  
From: donnatella@...  
Re: re: Hey there, it's CJ 

Hi CJ. First off, I love your email address. Sorry it took me so long to get back to you; I went home for a week to see my family. And, truth be told, I've been thinking for a few days about how to answer you. 

*sigh* CJ, I don't know what to do about this. I feel like this is just Josh trying to have everything his way one last time, and getting to have the last word, as always. And I am *so not* inclined to give him anything right now, no matter how small or trivial it is. I know that's probably selfish and cold of me, but... Give me some more time to think about it. 

I'm doing OK. But I didn't know I could hurt this much. I miss you all desperately. 

I'll call or email soon, either way, I promise. 

Love, Donna 

ps: I did get your phone message that night, and it meant a lot to me. Thank you.  
_________________ 

_________________  
Date: 9/13/02  
To: donnatella@...  
From: jackalgirl@...  
Re: ok 

Hey Donna, thanks for responding. You let me know what you decide. 

I know you just started, but how's the new job? 

-CJ  
_________________ 

_________________  
Date: 9/15/02  
To: jackalgirl@...  
From: donnatella@...  
Re: re: ok 

>I know you just started, but how's the new job?<

Tiring, with everything else on my mind. But fun. Lots of nice people. It's amazing how laid-back dot-coms are, you know, in comparison with the West Wing. I came in wearing a suit on my first day, and believe me, I was the only person around here that dressed up. And, get this, I have an assistant. >grin< We have *many* boundaries firmly in place. I've learned my lesson. But, she's great. She likes random bits of information, too. It's like a dueling trivia club around here. 

It's great, though. I feel respected. So far, everyone's liked my ideas. We go "live" on the 'Net next Monday…check us out, www.capitolscoop.com. The "issues" page is all my work. 

I miss you. Please tell Sam and Toby and Margaret, especially, that I said hi. 

-Donna 

ps: I wanted to give you my work email: dmoss@... And phone: 667-3487. I still check the Yahoo account every day, but if you ever needed to get me at work, that's how. Please don't give it to…you know. Thanks, -D  
_________________ 

***************** 

___________________  
Date: 10/21/02  
To: cjcregg@...  
From: dmoss@...  
Re: Thank you! 

Hey CJ…just wanted to thank you for the birthday card and gift certificate! You're the best. But I'm not spending it until you can come with me and help me try on all the shoes I'm gonna buy with it. I'm assuming that means after November 5th, but I'm a patient girl. 

And thanks for the kudos re: last week's "issues" page! You're good for my soul, CJ. And tell Charlie thanks from me for that tip re: Senator Jenkins and his stance on farm subsidies. You sure the President won't let me steal him away from you guys to come work here? >grin<

I'm thrilled about the Newsweek poll, CJ. It's looking pretty good for another 4 years, huh? Please tell the President I'll vote early and often on 11/5. 

Ok, well, now that I've beaten around the bush for long enough…I can't take it anymore. 

How is he? 

-D 

Donnatella Moss, Issues Director  
www.capitolscoop.com  
286 Connecticut Ave.  
Washington, DC  
20078  
213-667-3487  
dmoss@... 

___________________ 

___________________  
Date: 10/22/02  
To: dmoss@...  
From: cjcregg@...  
Re: re: Thank you! 

You're welcome re: the gift certificate, and you're on for shopping after the election. Hopefully I'll be looking for dancing shoes for the next Inaugural Ball. 

I could beat around the bush too and answer all your other questions, but I'll just cut to the chase re: your last one, and the answer is, "as well as can be expected." Why don't we go Yahoo on this one? Check your email when you get home tonight. 

-CJ  
___________________ 

___________________  
Date: 10/22/02  
To: donnatella@...  
From: jackalgirl@...  
Re: Himself 

Hey there. Before I begin, I just have to say…I feel ok about telling you what I'm about to tell you, because he never asked me not to. You've asked me not to share information w/Josh re: what's going on in your life, and I haven't, and I won't. Just wanted you to know that. 

He's better. He's been going to see the therapist every week since…since; the guy is a PTSD/anger management specialist. Josh doesn't bitch about going, and it really seems to have been helping. There have been a couple staff meetings that we've all been in where at a certain point, my mind has steeled itself for Josh to go ballistic, but he didn't; he just calmly dealt with the issues at hand, and we moved on. He doesn't even yell at the temps working for him. Whatever he's paying that shrink, it seems to be worth it. I'm wondering if we should try to get Toby in and get a group rate. (snort). 

He's been living with Sam since that night (Josh, that is); at first, we were worried about him being, well, by himself, and Leo insisted. There's really no need for it anymore, but it's like they're reliving their college years - they're loving every minute of it, so Josh is still there. Honest to God, Donna, they're like the Odd Couple; Sam bitches about how messy Josh is and Josh can't go a day without commenting on how anal retentive "Mother Seaborn" is. But they both secretly love it, I think. I think they like having someone to come home to, not that any of us are home that much these days. 

He won't drink alcohol. We've all gone out a few times after campaign stops; he orders water or soda. He pretends that I haven't noticed, when we both know that I have, but I'm not going to needle him about it. 

I know what your next question is, and no, he's not eating his vegetables. You were the only one who could get him to. 

There's more I could say to you about how he is emotionally, or how he is re: you, but it's not my place to. It's in the letter (that's not a nag…just an explanation for why I'm being nebulous here). 

He's ok. Not great. Not not-so-great. He's ok. Now that it looks like we'll be around (cross those fingers!) for a few more years, he's made plans to take all of November off and regroup a bit. Lucky bastard. I'd give big bucks for a month off right now. But I wouldn't want to go through what he did to get it. 

I think that's all I should say for now. 

I hope this was what you were looking for. 

Let me know if you want to chat. I hope this doesn't upset you in any way. 

-CJ  
___________________ 

___________________  
Date: 10/22/02  
To: jackalgirl@...  
From: donnatella@...  
Re: re: Himself 

CJ… 

Thank you. 

I think I'm ready to see the letter. 

-D  
___________________ 

___________________  
Date: 10/22/02  
To: donnatella@...  
From: jackalgirl@...  
Re: letter 

Ok. Say when. 

-CJ  
___________________ 

___________________  
Date: 10/22/02  
To: jackalgirl@...  
From: donnatella@...  
Re: re: letter 

CJ - When are you free on Election Day? -D  
___________________ 


	6. Having Faith - MATURE Version 6

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 6  
First Tuesday in November**

Donna rose early on the 5th and hurried to elementary school in her neighborhood, where she was assigned to vote. It had always given her a thrill, ever since she turned 18, to go and cast a ballot. It was corny, but dammit, it made her proud to be an American, proud that she lived in a country where she was free and respected so much that her votes always counted. She felt no less proud today, perhaps even more so, as she smiled broadly and punched the spot next to Josiah Bartlet's name. *I helped make this happen,* she thought with happiness. 

Donna hopped on the Metro and tried to quell the butterflies in her stomach as she got off a few stops short of the White House. She wanted to meet CJ someplace where she didn't have to worry about running into anyone else - ok, Josh - so Donna had suggested that they meet at a funky coffee shop that she knew Josh would never go into. Josh didn't go anywhere "funky" unless dragged, kicking and screaming, by Donna. She wondered if his new assistant brought him coffee in the morning. She hoped not, for his or her sake. 

At 7:05am, CJ breezed in, looking as confident as ever. Donna envied CJ's seemingly innate sense of self, that powerful assuredness that seemed to precede her, announcing her presence before she even entered a room. Donna waved CJ over to the corner booth she had reserved, and then stood up to hug her friend. *My friend CJ,* Donna thought with a smile. For some reason, that simple thought made Donna inordinately happy. 

"Hey there! Great suit, Donna! I thought you said you could go casual at that job of yours?" 

"Usually, but I have a number of people coming in for meetings today, and well, I just can't bring myself to dress down when I'm trying to impress big-wigs." 

"Very good idea," CJ said. "We may be women, hear us roar, but there are still lots of idiots out there who won't take us seriously because we've got different equipment between our legs. I say, use whatever weapons you can to make a good first impression, and if that includes a power suit, then so be it. Anyway. Enough of 'Claudia's House of Style' on this fine Tuesday morning. I'm going to go grab some liquid sunshine…can I get you something?" 

"No, I'm all set," Donna said, nervously clutching her cup of tea. Her stomach was in such knots; she didn't think she could handle anything stronger, caffeine-wise. 

"Ok," CJ said with a smile, and a squeeze on Donna's wrist. "I'll be right back." 

She was back shortly with a big steaming cup of coffee, and she slurped the first hot sip into her mouth. "So," she began. "Cast your vote for Ritchie this morning?" 

Donna rolled her eyes. "Oh yes, I slaved away for five years so that Governor Goober could take over. Not bloody likely," she laughed. But then CJ's words hit her a different way, and her eyes grew wide with worry. "CJ, you didn't…I mean, you don't think that I would…" 

"Oh, Donna, no, of course not. I was just trying to make you laugh. No one thinks that your leaving means that you don't support the President. Even though," she said, eyes twinkling, "aren't you supposed to be all, you know, neutral and bipartisan over there on the Issues page?" 

Donna grinned, and sighed. "You have no idea how hard it is for me to edit the columns on Republican policy-making," she said. "I spend a lot of time yelling at the draft copies, on principle." 

"I can only imagine. You're a stronger woman than I am." She laughed. "Donna, I wanted to tell you, we're all really proud of you. You've done a great job with the web site…in fact, you'll never guess who I caught reading it the other day?" 

Donna laughed. "Don't tell me President Bartlet is on-line?" 

CJ smiled. "Close, but no cigar…it was Leo. He had asked Margaret how you were, and she told him about the site. I caught him reading your page, and when I said hello, he looked up and *beamed* at me, and said, and I quote, ‘This is some great job she's doing over there.' He told me to tell you that you that he was proud of you." 

Donna was astounded. *Leo's proud of me,* she thought, overwhelmed. Would wonders never cease? 

"Leo beamed? What the hell does that look like?" 

CJ laughed. "It's like Christmas and New Year's and Election Day in our favor, all rolled into one. I don't expect to see it again until the planets are all in alignment and Venus is retrograde. Anyway. We're all proud of you. I'm proud of you." 

Donna blushed, and looked down into her cup of tea, then up at CJ again. "Thank you, CJ. I can't begin to tell you how it feels to hear you say that to me. I feel like…I don't know, like I've grown up. That I've graduated." 

"I know that feeling," CJ said, smiling. She remembered that that was what Toby had told *her* - that it was CJ's Graduation Day – when she was asked to join the Bartlet team. "You earned that diploma, Donna. The hard way." 

"Yeah, I did." Donna smiled, and then looked into her tea. "So." 

"So." 

"I guess I should ask you for the letter." 

***************** 

CJ grabbed Donna's hands across the table, and held them in her own. "You ok with this?" 

"Yeah. It's time." 

"Ok." CJ flipped open her briefcase, and pulled an envelope out. She placed it flat on the table between them. 

"Should…should I open it here?" 

"Do you want me to be honest?" 

"Yes." 

"No, Donna, I don't think you should read it here. It's…there's a lot in there. It made me emotional to read it." Donna's eyes widened at that. CJ never got emotional. Ever. 

"Ok." 

"But if you'd rather have someone *with* you when you read it…" 

"Do you think I should?" 

"I don't know. I'm worried…I'm afraid that this sudden…proximity to Josh…even though it's just a letter, when you so clearly wanted to stay away from him, will upset you somehow… But let me be clear, there's nothing *in* there that's threatening or mean, Donna…oh hell, do you have any idea what I'm trying to say here?" 

Donna nodded. "I do. I'll be ok, CJ. I think I'll read it at home, tonight, once they call the election. Beginnings and endings. Seems fitting, somehow." 

CJ nodded. "I'm going to tell Josh that you took the letter. But that's all. He doesn't want to know if you read it, your reaction, what you did with it, none of that. He just wanted to know when you finally had it, so he could begin to try to move on." 

Donna nodded again, looking down into her tea again and trying to ignore the tight pull around her heart when she heard CJ say that he was moving on. *But isn't that what I've done?* she tried to remind herself. 

"Ok," she said. "CJ?" 

"Yeah, hon?" 

"Thank you. I know…this has to have been awkward for you, being his friend, and I just wanted to tell you, I appreciate your keeping in touch with me, for being *my* friend, too. I appreciate you doing this for me…for us, I guess. For being the go-between one last time." 

"Like I told you that night on the phone…you're both my friends. My heart has bled for both of you." 

"Thank you. CJ." 

"You're welcome, Donna." 

"Ok. I gotta go try to get some work done, which is just a joke, because I know I'm just going to obsess about this letter all day." 

"I repeat, you're a stronger woman than I am," CJ grinned. "Come on. I'll walk you out. It's gonna be a good day, Donna." 

"Yes it is, CJ." 

***************** 

Donna sat curled on the end of her couch, nursing a glass of red wine, and offering up a silent toast to the President and her friends. CNN had just called the election in favor of President Bartlet. She was overwhelmed at how bittersweet the victory tasted to her. She could not have been more thrilled that they won…but then she had to realize that she was not a part of "them" anymore. She had left. She didn't get to the finish line with them. And that made her very sad, in the midst of her happiness. She watched as the networks shifted to the ball room of the Monarch Hotel downtown, where the President was to give his victory speech. She smiled as she saw the faces of all the people she loved so much…Toby actually had a grin on his face. Oh, that made her laugh - to see Toby *grinning!* And that look on Leo's face - that must be him "beaming" - his whole face was lit up with joy. *Congratulations!* she shouted in her mind. 

She wished she had the strength to be there, too - CJ had invited her, had made sure her name was on the "admit" list, but Donna didn't feel like she should be there. Donna still felt like she had deserted them, even though no one had ever made her feel that way the few times she had seen or spoken to folks from the Wing since last August. And besides, she didn't think she could handle seeing him just yet. 

And then…there he was on her TV. "Josh," Donna said softly out loud. He was smiling. But it wasn't the "I just conquered the world, bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land" smile that she knew so well, and expected to see here tonight. His smile didn't reach his eyes. He looked…a bit sad, she thought. 

He looked tired. 

*God, I miss him.* 

She had gone from irate, and feeling violated, and being scared that night in August, to feeling a slow, constant, angry burn every single day. After a while, she was down to a simmer, then she shifted to hurt and confusion…until, one day, she woke up, and her anger and confusion were replaced by…loneliness, and sadness, and regret. And those things made her miss him. She knew, intellectually, what had probably happened with him that night. He was drunk, and the PTSD was back, and he snapped. She was the nearest target. That didn't make it right, but with time, it made her able to understand a little more, and to let the anger go. 

She listened to the President's speech, but kept her eyes on Josh. He shook hands with the people around him now and then, but mostly, he looked off to the side…like he was somewhere else. Like he was inside his head. *How odd,* Donna thought. *Maybe he's feeling sentimental…they won't ever be able to do this for Bartlet again.* God knows that made her feel maudlin. 

By 3am, she had watched Ritchie's concession speech, and had flipped through all the news channels three times in a vain attempt to see something new. She was just stalling now. 

With a sigh, she got up, and crossed to her briefcase in the hall. She pulled the letter from the side pocket. She sat back down on the couch, and tossed back the rest of her wine. With shaking hands, she pulled the sheets of paper from the envelope, and began to read. 


	7. Having Faith - MATURE Version 7

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 7  
Dear Donna**

8/30/02, 3:17am 

Dear Donna - 

I don't think this letter will be eloquent, or that it will fix things, or that it will be enough, or that it will be worthy of your time. But it's all I can do, and even if you never read this, I needed to write it, because I need to say that I'm sorry. And I am. I am so sorry. I never should have said any of those horrible things to you. I didn't mean it when I said that you wouldn't do well at your new job - you're the most brilliant, unique, amazing woman I think I've ever met, and I don't doubt that you can do anything you set your mind to. But I know that you doubt yourself, and I used that against you, to hurt you. 

I didn't mean it when I insinuated that I hired you out of pity, or that you weren't qualified, or that Brian dumped you and you had to come crawling to me. I said those things to wound you, because I know that you worry about those things being true. They're not. No Ph.D. could have done your job better than you. No one else gets me the way you do. You have said in the past that you're "tuned" to me, and you were completely right - that has always been true. You're like the other half of my brain. You finish my sentences. You know what I need before I need it, both personally and professionally. Those aren't things you can learn in a classroom. You are, and have always been, overqualified to work for the likes of me. 

I told you in anger that I thought you owed me for all that I had done for you. That's laughable. I owe my life to you. You gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning after Rosslyn; you gave me a reason to get better. Because every time I walked a little further, or got a little stronger, I could see that it made you happy. I got better because it made you happy. And then I forgot to get better for me, and it all came spilling out that Christmas. And you saved my life again. You made Leo and everyone else see that something tangible was wrong; you guessed what the problem was when people I've known my whole life didn't. You held my good hand when they stitched up the bad one. You made sure I kept my therapy appointments. You made sure that I ate green vegetables now and then so I don't die of heart disease at an early age. 

And you saved my life again last night by slapping me and walking out the door. You made me wake up and see that I wasn't well, again. You did that for me, when I had just treated you so abysmally. For the rest of my life, I will never, ever, be able to erase the look of fear you had in your eyes when I started yelling at you. You, who saved me so often, and so selflessly, feared me. I'll never forgive myself for putting fear in your eyes and heart. 

And I won't ask you to forgive me, because I don't deserve it. I treated you worse than… God, there is no "worse than." I have nothing to compare it to. I have no excuse for what I did, but I can tell you why it happened. Because I was scared. Because I was afraid. Because I was angry and drunk and out of control. Because they say you always hurt the ones you love the most. And ultimately, as I have thought about nothing else but this since you left, I have realized that all of this stems from the simple fact that I love you, I have been in love with you, probably since the first minute I laid eyes on you. And not having you, not being able to tell you how I felt, not being able to love you, or treat you the way you should be treated; not being able to protect you from all the jerks out there, or to keep you with me and away from other men - all that, added to all the other crap that went on yesterday and this week, finally put me over the edge. 

I saw you with Casey, and my deepest, darkest fear was irrationally realized: "She's leaving me." And since I never want to deal with fear, I turned it all into anger. Against you. How dare you have a life outside of me (when I cannot have one, awake or asleep, without you?) How dare you get in a relationship with another man (when I have felt nothing but free to sleep my way through Washington if I wanted to, in a vain attempt to dull my want for you?) How dare you lie to Congress to protect a Republican, and thus betray me (when all along, you did it to protect me, who is so unworthy of you?) 

So I got drunk. And you came over, once again, to try to save me. And I made you sorry you had ever met me. 

I do not remember a time when I didn't love you, when I didn't hear your voice the first thing in the morning, when your face wasn't the last one I saw at night, both as we left the office and in my dreams. If I was a stronger man, I would have resigned, or helped you find a different job, or hell, just kissed you brainless one lonely night when we were alone in my office. If I was a braver man, I would have just gone for it and damned the consequences, said "screw the Republicans and the press," so that I could live honestly and be with you. If I was a better man, I would have put you above everything else, the way you deserve to be. You matter to me more than anything or anyone else, you always have. But I took advantage of your patience, and your bad luck with all the stupid men in DC who were too blind to see how amazing you were - oh, who am I kidding, I made sure that most of them didn't have a chance with you. Because I'm selfish, and hateful, and completely in love with you. And I convinced myself that if I couldn't have you, then no one else would, and that you would wait until I was ready to let you in. 

And so when you told me about Cliff, and the diary, and how he found it in your bedroom…the rest of my nightmares came true for me at once. I took it out on you then, and I took it out on you last night. For no good reason. Loving you is not enough of a good reason for me to do that to you; loving you should have made me realize what I was doing to you before it was too late. 

I am so sorry. I'm sorry I made you doubt yourself. I'm sorry if I scared you. I'm sorry I said all those hurtful things to you. I have made love to you a thousand times in my mind, and would never have believed I could be capable of hurting and violating you that way. I have no excuse for it. 

I'm getting help. I'm back in therapy; I won't stop going. I think I've just resigned myself to this being a part of my life, for the rest of my life. Like Leo and AA. Weekly meetings to keep me on the straight and narrow. I'm probably going to take a long vacation after the election and ponder the meaning and course of my life without you in it. 

I already miss you, and it's only been one day. And I have no right to miss you. I am sick with the knowledge that I'll never be able to love you like I always wanted to. I know I am going to have to work towards getting over hating myself for all the things I said to you, for hurting you the way I did. 

I will love you all of my life, and will never love someone else the way I love you, or as much as I love you. I do not expect to ever have a best friend like you ever again. I really don't deserve it, considering how horribly I treated the one that I had. 

I wish you much love and happiness in your life. I wish you joy, and peace, and laughter. I wish I could have been the person to give you those things, Donnatella. I don't even feel like I have the right to use your full name anymore. I always liked that I was the only person in DC who called you that, in our more playful moments alone together. Your beautiful name reflects your beautiful mind, your beautiful heart, your beautiful soul. Your name is lyrical, and unique, and special, just like you. I will miss calling you by your full name, I will miss knowing that I was the only one who got to use it. I don't deserve or reserve that right anymore. 

I am so, so sorry. I love you very much. I will love you as long as I live, and will regret what happened last night for just as long. Please be well. 

-Josh 


	8. Having Faith - MATURE Version 8

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 8  
Postcards**

Donna sat, sobbing, shaking, holding onto the letter with one hand and covering her mouth with the other. *He loved me!* her mind seemed to scream. She looked at the clock on top of her TV with bleary eyes. 

It was 3:17am. 

She dashed off the couch and ran over to her phone. *Shit!* She no longer knew Sam's phone number by heart. She went tearing into the kitchen and opened the drawer that held her address book. She tore through the book to the "S's," and found Sam's number on the first page. She dialed the number and held her breath. 

"Hello! Sam Seaborn, *still* Deputy Communications Director, how may I help you?!" Sam sounded giddy with glee. 

"Hi Sam…it's…it's Donna." 

She heard nothing but a shocked silence on the other end, and then, "Oh, thank God. Donna? Are you ok? CJ told me she met with you this morning…" 

"Sam, I'm ok. Is…is he there?" 

Again, another silence. "Oh, God, Donna, no. He…" 

"What's wrong? Where is he?" 

"He's…he's gone…I dropped him at the airport earlier." 

"Where's he going?" she asked, panicking a bit now. 

"I have no idea," Sam answered truthfully. "He asked me to take him right there as soon as the President's speech was over. He had a bag already packed. He's got this month off, you know, and I guess…I guess he just wanted to get going..." 

*Oh God,* she thought. *He's getting going on moving on.* 

"...So I dropped him at the main terminal, and asked him where he was headed. He said he didn't know, but that once he got there, he'd let us know." 

Donna began to cry again. "Sam…" 

"Oh, God, Donna, I'm so sorry. Do you want me to come over?" 

"No, it's ok, I'll be fine. I just…I got his letter, Sam." 

Sam paused at that. "Do you believe him?" 

"Yes. Am I too late?" 

"I don't know, Donna. I'm sorry, I just don't know." 

"Ok." 

"Donna, as soon as he calls, I'll tell him to call you. I'll tell him you're looking for him." 

"Ok, Sam. Sam?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Congratulations. I'm so happy for all of you." 

Sam laughed, amazed that Donna who, in the midst of sobbing her heart out, still had the presence of mind to congratulate him on the election. *Josh, what an idiot you've been,* he thought to himself, before responding to Donna's last comment. "Thanks, Donna. We couldn't have done it without you, you know…and it wasn't as much fun these last few months without you there." 

She choked back another sob. "Thank you, Sam. Thank you for everything." 

"No problem." He paused now, before speaking again. "You know how much I care about you, right? I'm sorry I haven't contacted you myself; with Josh living here…I just didn't feel like I could and then lie to him about it…" 

"Oh God, please don't apologize to me, you've been his friend for so long…" 

"Yeah, but you're my friend too, Donna. I want you to know…I made CJ tell me how you were doing. I hope that's ok. And I read the Issues page of capitolscoop.com religiously every Monday morning." 

"Sam." Donna didn't know what to say. 

"It's brilliant, Donna. I'm so proud of you." 

"Sam…" Again, she didn't know how to thank him for these words. 

"But honestly, Donna, do you have to include all the Republican stuff so fairly?" he asked with a laugh in his voice. 

He had finally made her smile. "Bi-partisan cooperation, Sam. I know you're a big fan." 

"Yeah, not so much." She could hear him grinning across the phone lines. 

"Thank you, Sam. I miss you." 

"I miss you too, Donna. I hope…I hope that when he gets back, things can be better all the way around." 

"Me too. I...I love you, Sam, thank you for everything. Way to go tonight." 

"Thanks, and I love you too, Donna." She could almost feel him smiling at her on the other end of the phone. "And Donna?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Way to go, yourself, tonight." 

"Thanks, Sam." 

She hung up the phone, and gave into her tears one more time. 

*************** 

One week later, Donna came home from work at the end of the day to a ringing telephone. She sprinted across the room to get it before the person hung up. 

"Hello?" 

"Hi, Donna." 

"Sam? Did he call you?" 

"No…he sent a postcard. He's in Paris." 

"Where in Paris?" 

"He didn't say. He left that out. He just said he was ok, and that he was enjoying the museums." 

Donna let out the hopeful breath she had been holding, and frowned into the phone. "Jesus, Sam, do you think he hit his head somewhere? *He's enjoying the museums?* This is Josh we're talking about, right?" 

Sam laughed. "I know. I almost wish he said that he was just sitting in the cafes, finding conservative French people to argue with." 

Donna finally laughed a little. "Well, I'm glad he sent you the postcard." *I wish he knew he could send me one, too,* she thought with an aching heart. "You'll call me if…" 

"Absolutely. I promise, I'll let you know. Even if he tells me not to." 

Donna grinned. "Thanks, Sam." 

"No problem, Donna." 

"Bye." 

*************** 

Another week passed, and once again, Donna got a late-evening phone call. 

"Hello?" 

"Donna? It's CJ." 

"Hey there. What's…what's up?" 

"Nothing…well, we got a postcard. He's in Rome." 

"Jeez, he's turning into a regular world traveler, isn't he?" 

CJ snorted. She was glad Donna was taking this as well as she was. CJ was about ready to kill him for not calling, she was so desperate to tell him that Donna finally wanted to see him. "Yeah, we're thinking about making him Ambassador to Guam next." 

"Nah, we don't need the people of Guam hating us that much." 

CJ laughed at that, but her voice trailed off a bit. 

"CJ? What's the matter? Is there something you're not telling me?" 

"No, it's just…I need to apologize to you about something." 

"What?" 

CJ sighed. "It's just…I've been…I had to be…worried, about the voice mail I left you that night, and the emails, and giving you Josh's letter…I had to worry about whether or not you'd…sue, or use them, somehow…and I feel terrible about it, and...I just needed to tell you, and say I'm sorry." 

Donna was quiet for a moment. "Oh. Well, I guess it's your job, CJ, to worry about those things. I understand," the younger woman replied. "But as angry as I was, I'd never hurt you guys, or the President that way. And, as angry and hurt as I was, I'd never hurt Josh that way, either. I'm sorry you worried about how I'd react." 

"Yeah…but, I also wanted you to know, that that was just the job-part of me worrying. In my heart, I never in a million years thought that you would. I hope you can believe that someday." 

Donna thought that CJ sounded like her heart was breaking. "CJ, I believe you. You've been such a good friend to me, through all of this, starting with that phone call. It relieved me to know that Josh had called someone for help, and it relieved me to know that you still cared about me. I needed that, right then. So thank you." 

"Ok," CJ said, still feeling horrible. 

Donna smiled. "How about we go out to dinner and I'll let you pay and we'll call it even?" she said with a laugh in her voice. 

CJ cracked up at that. "You drive a hard bargain, but you're on. Hey. That reminds me. What are you doing for Thanksgiving?" 

"Nothing, I…" and then it hit her. Thanksgiving. Josh. She knew where Josh would be on Thanksgiving Day. She always knew where he was on that day. She knew she could finally catch him. 

"Donna?" 

"Um, I'm going home," Donna answered, too quickly. She hoped CJ didn't catch her lie. "To Wisconsin." 

"Oh. Ok. Well, if your plans fall through, I'm cooking for Spanky and Tobus, and we'd love to have you over as well." 

"CJ, are you really cooking, or are you ordering Chinese again like last year?" 

CJ snorted. "Please. We are so ordering. I just invited you so that you'd feel bad for us and cook us something with nutritional value." 

Donna snorted. "I'm on to you, Cregg. Sorry. Maybe next year," she said with a smile. 

"Oh well, can't blame a girl for trying. Ok, I gotta go. The natives in the briefing room are getting restless. They might start making up their own stuff if I don't get in there…oh wait, they do that anyway. Honestly, I don't know why I even need to be here. I'm superfluous to the whole process." 

Donna laughed. "Go forth and spin. Do we want to do dinner on Friday?" 

"I'll call you as soon as I call a full lid. Thanks, Donna. I can't wait to see you." 

"Bye, CJ." 

Donna quickly hung up, and then got online and started looking at flights leaving the day before and on Thanksgiving. But she wasn't going to Wisconsin. 


	9. Having Faith - MATURE Version 9

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 9  
A Place at my Table**

Donna put the rental car into park, killed the ignition, and looked out through the early-morning haze to the building before her. Her heart was pounding, racing…and she took a few calming breaths to steady her nerves. 

She crossed the busy boulevard that ran before the building, and told the doorman her destination within. He pointed her in the direction of the elevators, she wished him a Happy Thanksgiving, and then she took the elevator to the 3rd floor. When the doors opened, she looked left, then right, and then followed the numbers in descending order until she stood before door number 12. 

*This is it,* she thought. 

She knocked on the door with a shaking hand. 

"Coming!" said a voice from within. 

And the door opened before her. 

*Gasp* "Donna!" 

"Hi, Mrs. Lyman. Can…Can I come in?" Donna didn't know what to expect next. 

Josh's mother just stared at Donna for another long moment, and then she launched herself at the girl, wrapping her arms around her, squeezing her tight and rubbing Donna's back. Donna's arms automatically went around the plump older woman. 

They had shared so much; during thousands of minutes on the phone, chatting to each other while Josh finished up on another call; in the hospital after Rosslyn; every Christmas, when Margie sent Donna a new pair of hand-knit gloves or a scarf or a hat, and every Hanukkah, when Donna sent Margie sweets and fun gifts to make her smile. The two women had long exchanged the "I love you's" that were completely beyond Josh and Donna. *I missed you too, Margie,* Donna thought, sad at the distance that had necessarily come between them. Donna didn't even feel like she could call her "Margie" anymore. 

Margie pulled back and held Donna's face in her hands. "You've forgiven him?" she asked. Donna just nodded. 

"Where is he?" Donna whispered. "Can I talk to him?" 

"He's down walking the beach," Margie whispered back. "Donna. You dear sweet girl. He's so sorry--" 

"I know, Mrs. Lyman. It's Ok. I need…I'm gonna go find him, Ok?" 

"Go. I'll set another place at my table for you." 

"Thank you, Mrs. Lyman." 

The older woman laughed, wiping tears from her eyes. "Donna! How many times do I have to tell you…" 

Donna rolled her eyes, and then laughed. "Ok, Ok. Thank you *Margie*." 

"Better. I love you. Go find him." 

"Thank you. I love you too. I'll be back." 

*************** 

Josh stood, his back to the busy road that lay behind him, and his face turned out to the endless sea before him. It wasn't Rome, that was for sure; it wasn't Paris. But West Palm Beach, in the good old US of A, had its charms. It was warm, for starters. It wasn't Connecticut, where he grew up, but it was where his mother now lived. So that meant that he was home. He sighed for the millionth time that day. His month off had been fairly restful, he supposed, but he just didn't *enjoy* being restful. He liked being busy. It kept his mind occupied. It kept him from thinking too much about…her. He threw a flat stone sideways, skimming it across the oncoming waves. 

He supposed he should start heading back to the condo, to help his Mom with Thanksgiving dinner. Which really meant that he'd just be staying out of her way, cutting an onion now and again so that he could *say* he helped. It was an old joke between them. He smiled, thinking about his mother. He didn't know how he would have survived Paris and Rome without her. It had definitely been entertaining to watch Margie Lyman take on Europe. 

He cast one more stone into the water, and then jammed his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. He turned and started heading back down the beach, towards his mother's condo. He looked up from the sand, out over the water, and then ahead of him to find the way home. 

And he saw…Donna. 

*************** 

Donna watched as Josh stopped walking, and just stood and stared at her like she had three heads. *Oh God, he's so…beautiful,* she thought desperately. His hair, always out of control, was now even more so in the early-morning ocean wind. He had rolled his jeans up at the bottom, so they wouldn't get wet in the surf. His chest was covered by a too-big Harvard sweatshirt, sleeves rolled at the wrist, to ward off the early-morning chill. His hands were wedged in his front pockets. 

She stood her ground, too. She stared back. Then she swayed, and took a step forward. He didn't move. She walked to within an arm's length of him, stopped, and looked up at him. 

His wide eyes began to fill with tears. 

He made no move towards her. He was almost afraid to breathe. 

Donna just kept looking at him. He felt like she was looking into his soul. Tears spilled out of his eyes and down his face. 

"Josh," she said quietly. He shut his eyes tight at the sound of her voice, as if it was too painful to hear her speaking his name. 

That did it for her. Donna closed the gap between them, and wrapped her arms around him. "I got your letter," she whispered in his ear. 

And when she touched him, he began to sob. He tried fighting the emotions, tried to hold it all in, but just couldn't. He just let her lean into him, let her hold onto him, but he still didn't take his hands out of his pockets. He tried to pull away once, but she wouldn't let him. She just held on tighter, but still, he didn't put his arms around her. 

Donna understood why he didn't want to touch her. He didn't have her permission yet. *He wants me to feel safe,* she thought. 

He started to speak, strangling on the words mixed with tears in his throat. "I'm so…I'm…I'm so…." And once he finally got the words out, he couldn't stop. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please, oh, God, I'm so sorry." And still he didn't use his arms to hold her. 

Donna pulled back and touched her forehead to his. He kept his eyes shut tight. "Josh. Look at me." He opened his eyes, but looked away, out over the ocean, biting his lower lip to try to regain control over himself. "Look at me, Josh." 

He brought his eyes back to hers. He could barely see her, for the tears. 

She looked back into his soul, and absolved it. "I forgive you." And she pressed herself back into him, her arms even tighter around him, her face pressed into his neck…and finally he ripped his hands and arms from their pocket prisons and banded them around her like steel bars. 

He buried one hand in the hair on the back of her head, holding her face close to his throat, and he cried into her hair. Nestled into that comfortable crook, he ran his other hand across her back, clutching at her shirt, as if he couldn't get her close enough. Her perfume and the familiar smell of her hair wafted up to assault all his senses. *I missed the way she smells,* he thought with an ache. 

They both cried now, holding onto each other, holding each other up. He kept murmuring apologies. She kept shushing him and telling him it was going to be ok. 

He finally pulled back, sniffling, to look at her. 

"Donna, how did you…" 

She smiled. "I always know where you'll be on Thanksgiving, Josh." She knew that his sister had died in a fire right around Thanksgiving, and that he had vowed to his mother that he'd never leave her alone on that day, no matter what, and that they'd always be home together. He loved that Donna knew him so well, that she would have known that he would need to be *home* today. 

He pulled her back to him, pressed his cheek into the top of her head, closed his eyes and sighed. 

He heard her speak one more time, and her words were muffled against his chest. "Josh?" 

"Yeah?" 

"You just called me Donna." 

He pulled back, puzzled, and she looked up into his eyes one more time. 

"That's not my name, Joshua," she whispered. And he understood what she was really saying. 

"Say my name, Josh," she said softly, dropping her eyes to his chest, and then back to his eyes again. "It's ok. I give you permission. You're the only one who has it." 

And he lost it once again. He pulled her tight, and choking back tears, whispered, "Donnatella." And he picked her up and twirled her around and around, laughing and crying and saying her beautiful name all at once. 

(Author’s Note: *sigh*) 

**************** 

They finally managed to make it back inside, holding hands the whole way and not saying much of anything. Josh's mother met them at the door with tears and a smile on her face. She kissed each of them as they crossed into the living room. Margie grinned at them. "So. You wanna help me cook?" she said to Donna, making her laugh. Whenever Donna and Margie got together, they inevitably wound up cooking for Josh. 

"Sure," said Donna. She grinned over at Josh. "Have you cut your onion yet?" she asked, knowing full well how he "contributed" to Thanksgiving dinner with his mom every year. 

He laughed, the first true, happy laugh he had let out in months. *She still has my number,* he thought. "As a matter of fact, Donnatella…" 

"Ah. Right. That'd be a no, then. Come on, Mr. Deputy Chief of Staff, you can peel the potatoes." Donna linked her arm through his and led him into the kitchen, leaving Margie to close the door and wish they hadn't wasted so much time. 

**************** 

They had a nice, albeit awkward, dinner. Donna listened as Margie told her how Josh had called her from his hotel room his first night in Paris, and told her to pack a bag and join him there. It relieved Donna to know that Josh hadn't been alone when he was sending those postcards home, and that he was able to give his mom the trip abroad she had wanted for so long. Margie, sensing that Josh was not as talkative as normal, took it upon herself to tell Donna all about their adventures. Donna laughed at her retelling of "Margie Lyman and the Rude Italian Guy Who Pinched Her Butt on the Street," and how she gave said guy a talking-down that he soon won't forget, even if he didn't understand her berating him in Yiddish. 

Josh didn't say much, content to listen to the women talking, but when Donna asked him about his favorite things about Europe, he told her about how much he enjoyed the solemn silence and dignity of the Louvre. *I wish I could have been there with them,* Donna thought wistfully to herself. Donna answered Margie's questions about capitolscoop.com, describing her responsibilities and the oddities of working in a dot-com environment as opposed to the White House. Margie told Donna about her volunteer work in the West Palm Beach "Bartlet for America" office. "Did you just walk in and make yourself someone's assistant?" Donna asked, giving her a small smile that she hoped Josh saw as well. "That approach has worked for me in the past." 

Josh watched her eyes smile as she spoke those words, and was relieved to see that she looked back on that moment, when she first came into his life, as a good thing. Relief turned into…something else he couldn't identify at first. Then, finally, he figured it out, as he listened to his mom and Donna chat. *This is what happy feels like,* he reminded himself, resting his head on his hand. It was nice to feel that again. 

As they cleared away the dinner dishes, Donna remembered a phone call she needed to make. "Margie," she asked. "May I use the phone?" 

"Absolutely. The cordless is in the kitchen." 

Donna crossed the room, grabbed the phone, and dialed from memory. 

"Gobble, gobble, gobble!" 

Donna grinned. "Hi CJ. You're not fooling anyone, I know you ordered Chinese food." 

"I know, but it's Thanksgiving, you have to at least pretend you're worshipping at the Altar of Butterball. How's Wisconsin?" 

"Actually, CJ, I never made it to Wisconsin," Donna said, taking a step into the dining room and looking up at Josh, who was still sitting at the table, watching her. 

"What? Hey, Frick and Frack, keep it down, no one cares about the stupid football game…I can't hear Donna. Now, what? You're not in Wisconsin? Are you in town? Come over!" 

"Actually, no, CJ…I'm…I'm in Florida." 

"You're in Florida? Why the hell are you…" And then CJ got it. "You're in Florida?" 

"Yes." 

"Are you in Florida where I think you are in Florida?" 

"Yes." 

"Was he there?" 

"Yes." 

"Are you ok?" 

"Yes." 

"Is he ok?" 

Donna looked up at Josh again, and smiled. "Yes." 

"Oh, thank the gods. You guys," she yelled over to Toby and Sam. "Donna's in Florida. She found him." Donna listened to the brief moment of silence over the phone, and then heard Toby and Sam happily yelling and talking over each other all at once. She distinctly heard a very loud and very gruff "It's about fucking time!" from Toby, and it made her smile again. 

"CJ?" 

"Yes?" 

"Thank you." 

At which point, CJ, the tough-as-nails, kick-ass Press Secretary for the President of the United States, burst into happy tears. Sam had to take the phone over. 

"Donna? Hey, it' s me. CJ's…ah…." 

Donna laughed. "It's ok, Sam. Happy Thanksgiving." 

"Same to you. I should have known you'd be the one to find him. Can I say hi to him?" 

"Sure, hold on." Donna held the phone out to Josh, and said, "Mother Seaborn wants to say hello." He laughed, got up and grabbed the phone from her. 

"Yes, Dear?" Josh smirked into the phone. Donna could only hear Josh's side of the conversation, but she imagined it followed along the lines of the one she had with CJ. Lots of "yesses" and smiles. Josh handed her back the phone. "CJ wants to say goodbye," he said. 

A sniffling CJ got back on the phone. "Donna. I'm happy for you," she said. 

"Thanks, CJ. Happy Thanksgiving." 

"Same to…HEY! I SWEAR TO GOD, SAMUEL NORMAN SEABORN, IF YOU EAT THAT LAST EGG ROLL…" 

Donna closed her eyes and laughed one last time. "I'll leave you to the beatings which I'm sure are about to begin, CJ. I'll call you when I'm back in town, ok?" 

"Ok. Tell Margie we all said hi." 

"Ok. Love you." 

"Love you too, Donna. Bye." 

"Bye." 

Donna hung up and smiled at Josh. He was content just to look at her, silently, for a moment, as they stood next to each other. Margie came around the corner from the kitchen at that moment with a pumpkin pie. 

"Margie, CJ, Toby, and Sam wanted me to say hello," Donna said, following her back into the dining room to sit again. 

"They having Chinese food?" Josh asked with a small laugh, coming right behind her and taking his seat again. 

"Yup. A brawl was just starting to break out over the last egg roll." 

Margie smiled. "Next year, I'll come to Washington, and cook a real meal for you all. Everyone should have a little bit of the real thing on Thanksgiving. Come. We'll have pie now." 

"'Kay," Donna said, smiling at Josh, who finally gave her a real one back. 

**************** 

When all the dishes were done, it was nearing 5pm. She hated to do it, but Donna felt like she should go. She was exhausted; the only seat she could get on a plane that morning had left National at 5am, and she hadn't slept a wink the night before, she was so nervous about how she'd be received here and whether she'd actually find Josh. All of that, plus the emotions of the day and the tryptophane in the turkey, meant that Donna was almost asleep on her feet. 

Donna said her goodbye to Margie with hugs and heartfelt thanks. Neither of them mentioned or brought up Donna's plans for the rest of the long weekend; Margie sensed that she hadn't talked it over with Josh yet, and she didn't want to push. So, instead, she just took Donna's face in her hands, and whispered, "You will always have a place at my table, Donna. Come back soon." Donna kissed Margie's cheeks, and allowed Josh to walk her out. 

"I missed your mother," Donna said as they got into the elevator. 

"You could've called her," Josh said, looking down at his sneakers. "I think she likes you better than me, anyway." 

Donna laughed softly. But she didn't say more. They were drifting towards uncomfortable topics of conversation. So instead she led Josh across the busy boulevard to her rental car. 

"A Convertible! Nice," Josh commented. 

"Yeah, I figured, 'when in Rome….'" 

"Right." Josh then cocked his head sideways, and with a slight, knowing smirk on his face, asked, "They were all out of cheaper cars?" 

"Oh yeah. This was the last one on the lot. I didn't mind a whole lot, though." She grinned at him. The both leaned back against the side of the car, side-by-side, looking out over the ocean. 

"Where are you staying?" he asked. 

"The Radisson on Shore Road." 

"Ah. Nice." 

"It's a hotel." 

"Right." 

More silence. 

Then, all at once, they both spoke the other's name, and made each other laugh. 

"You first," she offered. 

"'Kay. How long are you staying down here?" 

She took a moment to calm her nerves and then said, "That depends." 

"On?" 

She glanced over at him. "On you," she said, honestly. "On whether you'd like me to stay down here for a couple more days. I'm booked through Monday morning," she said. "But, if you'd rather just have some time alone with your mom, I mean, I know you're on a vacation of sorts…" What she was too afraid to say was, *"Unless of course you don't want to see me anymore…"* 

"Donna." 

"Yeah?" 

"I'd like you to stay a few more days." 

Donna felt a wave of relief wash over her. "'Kay." 

"My mom has a guest bedroom, would you rather stay here, save the money?" 

"No-oo, I think it's probably better if I…if I stay at the hotel. Besides, I'm not living on an assistant's salary anymore, Josh. I can afford it." 

"Oh, yeah, right. Ok." 

Again, the conversation died down and silence followed, until, Josh finally said, "I learned how to use a computer, finally." 

She looked up at him. "Oh really?" she laughed. "Your new assistant smart enough to refuse to do all your emailing for you?" 

"Yeah…no." 

"Yeah, no?" 

"No. I learned because I wanted to read your website." 

"Oh." 

"It's amazing, Donna." 

"Thanks." 

"It's smart, and it's well written, and it fills a information gap that none of us even knew was out there." 

"I know, I know, you just wish I could be a little more cynical when reporting on Republican policy, right?" 

He laughed. "Clearly." Then he grew serious again. "I'm…I'm proud of you, Donna. I haven't felt like I had a right to be, but I am, and I just wanted to tell you that. You've done an amazing job." 

"Thank you," she replied, quietly. 

"You're welcome." 

They sat in silence for another minute. 

"Josh?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Am I too late?" 

Silence. Then, "What?" 

Silence, now, from her, for a moment. "Sam told me…I called on election night, and Sam told me that he had taken you to the airport…so you could start moving on." 

"Yeah. I had to…I just had to get some distance, that day. I knew you had gotten the letter that morning, and…. it was a lot." 

"Yeah. So. Am I too late?" 

"For what?" 

She moved, and stood between him and the ocean. "For us. Have you moved on?" 

*************** 

Josh stood, stunned, looking at this woman he had hurt, that he had mourned the loss of, that he had tried so hard to start forgetting about. He began to reach a hand out to touch her shoulder, but then dropped it, still not sure what he had permission for anymore. He looked back into her eyes, and gave her a rueful smile. "Did you really think I could get over you in just a few months, Donnatella?" 

She smiled back into his eyes, and once again closed the gap between them. She snaked her arms around his neck, and whispered, "It's ok. You can touch me." He wrapped his arms around her waist. And then she leaned in, and pressed her lips to his. 

It was slow. It was almost chaste. No tongues. Just lips. Soft lips, slowly exploring, sucking, caressing, tasting, rubbing, dipping. Top lips. Bottom lips. Josh once again pulled a hand up to bury it in her hair; she did the same to him. Donna pulled away and buried her face in his neck once again. "We're going to have to take this slow," she said. 

"'Kay," she heard him say, breathless in her ear. 

"You're going to have to get to know who I am now." 

"Sounds good to me," he whispered. 

"We're still going to have to…talk, about…everything." 

"Ok." 

"And wooing. There's going to have to be serious wooing." 

"I can woo." 

Donna pulled back to grin at him. "You really can't." 

He laughed, "For you, Donnatella, I can bring the wooing." 

"'Kay." She smoothed down the front of his shirt, and threw her arms around his neck one more time. "I missed you," she admitted. 

He sighed. "I couldn't breathe without you." 

She just squeezed harder, and nestled into his neck. *God, I missed his touch,* she thought. "I should go," she mumbled into his neck. 

"'Kay. Donna?" 

"Yeah?" 

Silence. Then, in a low whisper, "I'm sorry." 

Donna couldn't see his eyes, but she knew they'd be sad. "I know. Thank you for saying so." 

"I really am." 

"I know. And I forgave you. So that means you don't have to say you're sorry about it anymore." 

That made him clutch her to him even harder. 

"I don't deserve your forgiveness." 

She pulled her head back to look at him, saw the pain in his eyes, heard the hurt in his voice. 

"Everyone deserves forgiveness, Josh. Believe that." 

"I'm working on it." 

"'Kay. I'm gonna go. Are you free tomorrow?" 

He laughed. "Let me check. Ah, yes. All day." 

"'Kay. How 'bout I pick you up in my fancy convertible, and I let you show me around?" 

"'Kay. What time?" 

"Noon?" 

"Eleven's sooner." 

She smiled. "Okay. 10am, then." He grinned back at her. "How 'bout we do brunch with your Mom first?" 

"'Kay." After a moment, Josh softly said, "Thank you, Donna." 

She leaned back, and looked into his eyes, and smiled. She pressed her lips to his one last time, and whispered, "I have faith in us, Josh. Everything's going to be alright. I'll see you in the morning." 

And she got in her car, and drove down the road, and watched him in her rear-view mirror until she couldn't see him anymore. But she could still smell him, and now she knew what his lips felt like on her own. 


	10. Having Faith - MATURE Version 10

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

  
**Author's Note:** I'd just like to sing the praises of Sharon the Wonder Beta one more time, if I may. I couldn't begin to catalog the various ways that she has made this story better. She's a goddess. Thank you, Sharon!

Oh, and those of you who read my story "Election Night" or "The Masquerade" over on SotU might recognize a couple of tiny themes here, and in upcoming chapters. I pilfered a couple of ideas from this story to do those. I footnoted myself, so I don't have to worry about me suing myself for plagiarism. :) I don't think. :) Anyway, rather than change them, I think I'll just make them a part of how I see J/D. :) There's something so comforting in continuity, don't you think? :)

**Chapter 10  
The Trouble with Taking it Slow**

On Friday morning, the day after Thanksgiving, Donna arrived at Margie's at 10am on the dot, and Josh threw open the door before she had time to knock. 

"Hi!" she laughed. 

"Hi," he said, smiling. "I was watching for you." 

"Ah," she said. She saw Margie over his shoulder. "Hi there. Are you up for brunch?" 

"Hi sweetheart. Yes, and would you mind if a few of my girlfriends join us at the restaurant? We're all going to meet up to play mah-jongg later, so I figured we'd kill two birds. Plus, they want to meet the famous Donna they've heard so much about." Margie smiled. 

"Sounds great," Donna laughed. Josh was still looking at her as they stood in the doorway. "So, Josh, can I come in, or…" 

"Right! Sorry." He laughed, and moved to let her in. Just as she passed him, she stopped, turned, looked at him, and softly said, "Hi." And she leaned in to press her lips to his. 

"Hi," he whispered back, against her mouth, bringing one hand up to touch her cheek. "Thanks for coming." 

She beamed at him and swept into the condo. He turned to close the door, silently raising his eyes to heaven and thanking God and his father and whichever other angels were up there looking out for him, that it was really real and not a dream, like he had feared. *She really was here yesterday. And she's really here now,* he thought with relief. 

They waited while Margie grabbed her purse, and then the set out on a leisurely walk down the street to an outdoor café. There, Donna met Margie's friends Shirley, Karen and Rachel, Jewish mothers all, who cracked Donna and Josh up for the better part of an hour and a half over lox and bagels and omelets. 

After they ate, Margie and her friends set off for their game, and Josh and Donna wandered back towards Margie's condo and their cars. "So what do you want to do today, Donna?" 

"Wanna show me the town?" she asked. 

"Sure. Why don't I drive my mom's car…that way, you can concentrate on the scenery, and besides, I know my way around better than you do." 

"Ok. But why don't we take the convertible? It's such a nice day out." 

"Are you sure? I figured you wouldn't want me to drive it…I'm not listed as a driver on the rental agreement." 

She turned to him and smiled. "I trust you," she said. The words rocked his heart. He really hoped that someday she'd say those words to him again, but not regarding the car. 

"Ok," he said, a bit shakily, as he willed his heart to beat regularly again. "Let's go cruising." 

They hopped in, and he pulled out of the parking lot and into the bright sun of the day. He figured they'd just drive up the coast a bit, enjoy the water and the day. "Got any sun-block for that alabaster skin of yours?" he said. 

"Yeah, I lubed up before I left the hotel," she said. He tried to erase that very sexy visual from his mind as they set off. 

Donna immediately reached for the radio, and remembered…and looked up at Josh to see if he did too. He was smiling. "I know the rules, Donna. Shotgun gets to pick the first radio station. Just try to lay off the country music crap, ok?" 

She laughed. "There are many, many good country artists on the air these days, Joshua." 

"Whatever. Find some real music." 

She laughed. God, it was good to be with him, and joking around, again. Just to thank him for it, she settled on a station that was playing classic rock, which she knew he loved. 

They made small talk as they drove around for a few hours. How he had spent his time in Florida…how her family was doing, and more about his time in Paris and Italy. They stopped and poked into some of the tourist shops. By mid-afternoon, Donna asked if they could hit a beach. 

Josh turned the car around, so that they were heading back in the direction of his mom's house, and he stopped at the first public beach he came to. They paid for parking, then got out and walked down to the sand. Donna had brought one of the oversized hotel towels with her that morning, just in case. She spread it out parallel to the ocean, and they both sat on it, side by side. 

"It's so peaceful," she said. 

"Yeah. I really miss the ocean in Washington." 

"Yeah. You know, I had never seen the ocean before I joined the campaign?" 

"I remember. You told us that one day, when we were all sitting around the campaign office without much to do, and on the spur of the moment we all piled in the car just so you could have your first look at the Atlantic. In the middle of February, there we all were, me, you, CJ, Toby, Margaret and Sam, freezing our asses off, watching you collect shells and stick your feet in the water and have a ball for yourself." He laughed out loud. "In February. In *New Hampshire,* for the love of God. We knew you were insane then." 

She laughed. "Insane, like, in a good way, right?" 

He looked over at her. "In the best way, Donna. Your joie de vive should be bottled and sold on the open market. It'd be better than Prozac. You'd make millions." 

She smiled at the off-hand compliment. "Well, my joie de vive is telling me to go dip my feet in the water again. Wanna come?" 

"No, you go. I'm gonna sit for a bit." 

"'Kay." 

Truth was, he wanted to just sit and watch her move. He had spent so many years sneaking looks at her, trying to watch her without her catching him at it, without anyone else seeing him and figuring out his secret…it was a pleasure to finally feel like he could just watch her openly. She slipped off her sandals, and walked barefoot down to the water's edge. He watched her long, pale legs flexing beneath her shorts as she navigated around clumps of seaweed and sharp rocks; she paused to admire a little boy's attempts at building a sand castle, and when she bent over him to help him put a flag on the very top, Josh caught a glimpse of her chest as her shirt fell forward. His heart began to race like it always used to when he caught a glimpse of cleavage, or the hem of her skirt inched up over her knee, or she did any of the million little unconsciously sexy things that she did just by being her. Going "cold turkey" from Donna all these months had tamped the fire down, but it hadn't taken very long for it all to come roaring back. He had always wanted to be able to touch her more than a boss was supposed to. He wanted to explore every inch of those legs, which were now dancing in the waves. He wanted to kiss up and down her arms and suck on the tips of her fingers, which she was now using to find pretty shells in the shallow surf. He wanted to devour her mouth and neck and then make love to her the way…wow. *The way no one ever had before,* he thought to himself. He hoped that she wanted those things too. He knew they had started something yesterday, but he wasn't sure what it was yet, and he honestly had no faith in himself to not screw everything all up again. 

"Hey." Donna was back. 

"Hey. What'dja find?" 

She showed him the shells and smooth rocks that she found on her excursion to the water. A pretty scallop shell was her favorite; Jeremy, the kid with the sand castle, had given it to her from his private collection, in thanks for helping him hoist the flag over his wobbly castle. "He's so cute," Donna said. "He kept muttering about how the east turret wasn't quite right." She snorted in laughter. 

They sat, side-by-side, again, for a minute, watching the surf pound on the shore. Josh's eyes followed the drops of sea water that rolled down Donna's legs, and watched as they began to evaporate in the warm afternoon air. 

"Josh?" 

"Yeah." 

"When I was down by the water…" 

"Yeah." 

"Were you…were you just now, you know, watching me?" 

****************  
Josh remained silent for a moment. "Yeah." 

"Oh. Ok." 

They sat in silence, watching the waves, for a minute. 

"Josh?" 

"Yeeeeeeees?" he said, making her laugh. 

"Did you used to…." Donna paused and sighed. *Ok, I can do this,* she thought to herself. "I used to get the feeling, sometimes, when we were working in the Wing, that you were watching me. You know, from your office. Is that…was I crazy about that?" 

"No." 

"Oh. Ok." 

Another minute. 

"Um, Josh?" 

"Still here, Donnatella." 

"Right. Um, why do you, um, like to watch me? I mean, I guess, I'm assuming you're enjoying it, or else you wouldn't bother, right? Um, oh, jeez, forget it…" 

Josh laughed. "You're really not good at this, Donna." 

"Please. Clearly, I learned this from you, the non-master of relationship dialogues." 

Josh's heart gave a little leap of hope at her referring to them having a "relationship talk." He rested his elbows on the tops of his knees, and looked out over the ocean for a minute before he spoke again. "I liked…Oh, hell, Donna. I watched you for years because I couldn't touch you. Honestly, the highlight of each morning was seeing what outfit you had on, and what piece of skin it might reveal that day." 

Donna looked over at him, and the sheepish expression on his face made her laugh. "Josh! You make it sound like I was wearing halter tops and mini-skirts, prancing around the White House." 

Josh groaned. 

"Josh!" 

"Well, good God, Donna, I'm only human! And male to boot! You're killing me here. Don't put pictures in my head, you tortured me enough as it was just by wearing a new skirt or a tight sweater." 

Donna was floored by this. She had certainly *hoped* that her not-so-subtle attempts to get his attention - the red dress, the snug pink sweater set he once complimented her on - had had an effect, but she never really imagined that they had to that extent. 

"So, I should have taken that request for a Catholic School Girl outfit seriously?" She grinned at him. 

"Oh, dear God I would have had a heart attack. I'm getting sweaty just thinking about it. ANYWAY," he said, rolling his eyes and clearly hoping to change the subject, "I was just sitting here thinking that it was nice…I could finally watch you, and not have to hide it from anyone." 

"Ah. Ok." 

"Is it?" he asked, turning to read her face for the true answer. 

"Yeah," Donna answered quietly, looking back at him for a moment, noticing the slightly embarrassed look on his face. Donna decided to push his buttons a little bit more. She leaned over, and in his ear, whispered, "Bless me father, for I have sinned…" 

"OK!" Josh jumped up, and pulled her to her feet, laughing. "That's it. You are so not playing fair. Beach time is over. God, you're going to kill me. That's why you're here, right? To prance around in skimpy shorts and make suggestive comments that make me think about you in a plaid skirt and knee socks. This is my payback, right?" he said, laughing and shaking out the towel. 

"I can think of worse ways to pay you back, Joshua," she sing-songed. 

Josh turned and looked at her very seriously. When he spoke, it was with a low voice, full of promise and emotion. "Well, you told me you wanted to go slow, Donnatella. I'm going to honor that, and hopefully not screw this up in the process. But you should know...I've wanted you for a long, long time." Josh watched her eyes as he told her that, and was happy to see that the idea didn't seem to freak her out. So now he felt like he could joke with her a little. "So, you know, turning me on isn't the best way to make me want to go slow," he joked as he shook out the towel that they had been sitting on. 

"Oh." Donna felt a tingle of desire shoot down through the core of her body. "Ok. Sorry." 

Josh looked up quickly, worried that she didn't catch the humor in his voice. "You have nothing to be sorry about, Donna. I want you to know, I didn't tell you that to..." and now Josh trailed off, trying to think of how to say what he really meant. He tried again. "Slow works just fine for me. I'm not going to pressure you. I won't touch you unless you tell me it's ok. But I just wanted…needed you to know…what you do to me. I enjoyed watching you today. I've always enjoyed watching you, because since I couldn't have you in real life, I had you in my fantasies. So simply watching you move around the bullpen was a turn on. Listening to you go on about some random, obscure fact that has nothing to do with anything is a turn on. Watching you walk down the beach is a turn on. And when you add a soundtrack and costuming to the mix…well, let's just say there's a cold shower in my immediate future." 

Donna tried not to grin, but she couldn't help herself. 

"Oh, I see. Part of the payback involves your being amused at my sexual frustration?" he laughed. 

"No. It's not funny…it's just…God, Josh, I never, NEVER, thought I'd be having this conversation with you. And I wanted to. And I wanted you, too. Just as much, and probably for just as long." 

Josh's hopes soared a bit higher with her words, but then one of them gave him pause, and he wanted to make sure they were on the same page. "Wan-ted?" he asked, emphasizing the last syllable purposefully. 

She looked up at him. "Want," she answered, carefully. "I just…" 

"I know. Slow." 

"Right. Is that ok?" 

"Of course. Come on, let's get back to my mom's. We can polish off leftovers from yesterday." 

"'Kay." 

As they walked back up the slope of the beach dunes to the car, Josh thought he could safely tease her again. "You know, Donna, some people would say five years of unrequited sexual tension was pretty slow…" 

"Josh-u-ahhhhh…" 

"I'm just saying…" 

*************** 

Donna was quiet on the ride back to Josh's Mom's house. Josh looked over to see if he could read her mind. He couldn't. 

She turned to meet his gaze. "I used to watch you, too." 

He swallowed hard at that. "When?" he asked with a voice raspier than he wanted it to be. 

"When you were sleeping. In the hospital-- after…. At first, I just wanted to make sure you kept breathing. I thought, 'if I breathe in time with him, then he won't stop.' So I spent those first few days 'helping' you breathe by not taking my eyes off of you." 

Her words staggered him, again, for the umpteenth time since she found him on the beach the day before. 

She continued. "And then, afterwards, when I was at your apartment all the time, when you were recovering. You'd fall asleep a lot, when we were on the couch, watching TV. I was afraid to get up and wake you up, so I'd just sit and watch you sleep. I could draw your face from memory. I stared at you that much." 

"Wow." Josh said quietly, really not knowing what else to say. He found her words comforting, and endearing. And, hell, like everything else she did today, a turn-on. 

"It scared me." 

"What did?" 

"You sleeping so much. You're…you were always in motion before that. You never sat still. You're normally like a 12-year old with ADD - always thinking, moving, needing something. That fall, you were just so…still…all the time. It took me a long while to get used to it, and to not be afraid that it meant you were going to die on me every other minute." 

Josh didn't know what to say to that, so he said nothing. And his heart felt full to bursting. 

"And then I just got used to enjoying watching you sleep. Like on Air Force One. You look peaceful when you're dreaming." She paused. "You know what I've noticed? You're still a lot, now, too." 

"What?" 

"It seems like you're ok with being still now. On the beach, yesterday and today. Eating not one, but two actual meals with your mother. Long, leisurely meals. I've never seen you do that before. You're…you're not constantly in motion anymore." 

"Well, I'm on vacation, I suppose." 

"Is that really the reason?" 

He paused. "No." 

"'Kay." 

"Donna?" 

"Yeeeees?" 

He laughed. "Smartass. You want to know the reason?" 

"Sure." 

He was quiet for a minute. 

"I think I had to get used to not having you to orbit around." 

Donna was stunned. "What do you mean?" 

He said, softly, "There was just no point in…hurrying…to do…anything, anymore, if you weren't going to be there at the end of the race. After that night, I didn't have you, that person I was so…gravitationally and chemically attracted to, to revolve around…So…I just slowed down. Maybe, you know, before, when I was always in motion…maybe I was trying to hurry the time in office along, so that I could get to you, at the end of it, that much faster." 

Donna watched Josh for a few quiet moments, taking in his words. Finally, she spoke. "Josh?" 

"Yeah?" 

She paused, and he looked over at her, then quickly back to the road. 

"That was some seriously good wooing right there," she said with an amused and slightly surprised smile. 

He grinned, happy to hear that he had surprised her with his words. "You liked that?" 

"I mean, there's wooing, and then there's what you just said." 

"So that means, what, that I Über-wooed?" 

"Maybe. Wow. Two thumbs up. That was fantastic," she said, laughing, as he pulled back into the parking lot near his mother's condo, and put the car in park. "Have you been practicing or something? Because you just wooed like you've never wooed before." 

"Well, I've been saving all my woo for you, Donna." 

She looked over at him, loving the grin on his face, loving the banter. Loving him. *Oh, God, loving him,* she thought as her heart skipped a beat. Before she could think about it and talk herself out of it, she reached out, and grabbed his arm, motioning him to come closer to her, and he did. At the same time, she slid across the long car seat towards him, and in one swift move, straddled him, placing one knee on either side of him on the seat. She got a thrill as Josh gasped at her action, and her proximity, and at the feel of her fingers in his hair and her breath on his face. She watched the grin disappear under a wave of surprise and shock and ultimately, desire, and nothing had ever been as satisfying as watching Josh get instantly turned on by her. 

"Really, Josh? All for me?" she asked, in a low, throaty voice. 

*************** 

Josh put shaking hands on her hips, and looked into her eyes. "*Just* for you, Donnatella. It's only ever been about you," he whispered, his eyes now flicking between her eyes and her mouth. Donna smiled, and then she lowered her head and began devouring his lips with her own. 

This was not the chaste kiss of the day before. This was a full-frontal assault, a mix of lips and tongues and teeth and hands, a massive explosion after five years of building pressure. Josh pulled her tight against his chest with his hands, and then used them to roam all over her back and neck and jaw. Donna buried her fingers into the curls at the back of his head and neck. They kissed…forever, it seemed, until Josh ripped his lips from hers and dragged his mouth along her jawline towards the side of her neck, where her scent seemed to be pooled, and then he attacked her ear and the sensitive space beneath her lobe with his lips. He was rewarded with a low moan from the woman he held on top of him, and she was rewarded with his instantaneous and obvious arousal beneath her lap. 

"Oh, God, Donna, you taste…" 

"Yeah?" 

"…better…than in my dreams." 

"Josh…" 

She kissed her way down his neck, over his Adam's apple, and around his collar bone, making him draw in a sharp intake of breath as shivers raced over his skin from her touch. While she was busy away from his face, Josh took the opportunity to fulfill one of his fantasies. He pulled her hand from behind his head, and started kissing her fingertips. 

When she sucked his earlobe into her mouth and started to massage it with her tongue and teeth, he pulled her ring finger into his mouth, and teased and bathed the sensitive pad with his own lips and tongue. They both gasped, at once, at the sensations the other was producing. They both made their way back to each other's lips, exploring the depths of each other's mouths. Later, Josh would remember only one thought that floated through his mind at that time: *What was my world like before I kissed her?* He couldn't imagine such a time or place anymore. 

With a great sigh, after long, furious minutes of kissing each other, Donna finally pulled back, and pressed her forehead to Josh's, trying to get her breath. She brought her hands to either side of Josh's face, cradling him there; she traced his swollen lower lip with her thumb. He tilted his head up to capture her lips again, making her groan. "Josh," she started as she backed up a bit more. 

He knew what she was trying to say. "Slow." *And I don't want to scare her again,* he thought. With great regret, Josh loosened his arms from around her back, and allowed her to sit back a bit. He wanted to whimper; he already missed feeling her pressed against his chest. 

"So," he said, with a laugh and a very shaky voice, "my attempts at wooing were successful." 

"Very," she laughed, dropping a kiss on the end of his nose. 

"Well," he said, "how about letting me go two for two…what are you doing tomorrow?" 

"Hmmm, I'm not sure," Donna laughed. "Um, letting you woo me senseless again?" 

Josh growled out loud, and pulled her back in for one more kiss, then released her again. "Come on, let's go in, I'm sure my mother's been watching for us." He paused, one more time. "Donna?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Was this…ok?" 

She laughed. "Josh, are you kidding?" 

"No, I mean, hell, I mean, I know it was 'ok,' I just, I mean…" 

Her heart tumbled a bit at his attempts to be serious…with her splayed across the rather obvious feelings he had for her in his lap. *God he's adorable,* she thought. "What did you mean, Josh." 

"I'm…I'm worried that you're still scared of me," he admitted, not able to look her in the eye. 

"Josh. No. Look at me, please." He finally met her eyes. "I…I might ask that you not drink around me, for a while. That worries me a bit, for both of us." 

"I haven't had anything to drink since that night," he admitted. 

"I know. CJ told me." 

He rolled his eyes. "I knew I wasn't fooling anyone." 

"Yeah, you're really not James Bond in the stealth department, Josh. But, seriously…I'm not scared of you. I'm really not. That's not why I want us to take this slowly. I know that that night was…an aberration. I want us to go slow here, because…I think this can be amazing. And I don't want to screw it up by going too fast; by skipping some step that we really needed to take, you know what I mean? We just need to get to know each other again." 

"Ok. Yes. That makes perfect sense to me. I'm glad one of us is capable of thinking." 

She laughed at that. "So, you won't mind being patient with me, or taking a few more cold showers between now and…" 

He looked up at her, with hope in his eyes. "Between now and…what?" 

She looked in his eyes, and kissed him deeply, then shifted her head so that her face was nestled in his neck again, her lips against his ear. And she spoke very softly, and plainly, so that there was no mistaking what she said. "Between now…and when you make love to me for the first time?" 

Josh just pulled her even closer, and ran a hand over the back of her head, holding her to him like he never wanted to let her go. "Really?" he croaked into her hair, barely able to hope for that much. 

Donna laughed, pulled back and comically looked around her and gestured with her arms. "Do you see anyone else around here bringing the woo?" 

Josh laughed now. "No. There's no one here but you," he said, pulling her in against his chest again for another tight hug. 

"So, sound like a plan, Joshua?" she said, reminding him that he still hadn't answered her question. 

"You've got a deal, Donnatella," he whispered, with love in his voice and heart. 

*************** 

After untangling themselves and getting out of the car, they walked hand-in-hand back to his mothers' condo. "So," Josh said, running his thumb over the back of Donna's hand, "would you be up for a bit of a road trip tomorrow?" 

"Is this all part of your grand plan to be batting a thousand in the World Series of Woo?" Donna grinned. 

"Dude, I am the Ted Williams of Woo today. Anyway, yes," he grinned back. "Would you want to come over here early, like, 9ish, and we'll hit the road?" 

"Eight's sooner," she smiled. "Ok. Where are we going?" 

"It's a surprise. You're on a need-to-know basis," he laughed as they entered the condo. They had leftovers from Thanksgiving with Margie, and when Donna reached over and speared the last piece of turkey off of Josh's plate, and he let out the requisite "that was mine, Donnatella," he hoped that for the rest of his life, he was going to have to protect his plate from this woman. And being able, finally, to even hope for that made him inordinately happy. 

It was very difficult saying goodbye to her after dinner. Josh just didn't want to let her go. Donna had some work she had to take care of that she had brought down with her, though, and she wanted to make sure she didn't have to deal with it the next day. He had a scheduled phone conversation with his therapist; he'd been "phoning in" to therapy during his month off. Donna was proud of him for sticking with it, even when he was away from DC, and told him so, making him blush a little as they headed to the elevator. 

Once outside, they leaned against the car like they did the night before, but this time, she was enfolded in his arms, and they were making out like two teenagers. Josh pulled back, and dropped kisses over her eyelids, her cheeks, and the tip of her nose. "I honestly don't think I'm ever going to get tired of kissing you, Donnatella Moss," he murmured. 

She grinned, her head held in front of his by his strong hands. "Well," she said, "that's useful. Since I plan on spending a lot of time making up for years of lost kisses." 

"I like the sound of that." 

They kissed again, and reluctantly, Donna backed up a step, and crossed around the front of the car to hop into the driver's seat, keeping her eyes on his the whole way around. "Eight o'clock?" she said. 

"13 hours from now," he answered. 

She laughed. "My lucky number," she said. 

"Why am I not surprised," he said with a laugh. He crossed to stand over her, next to the driver's side door. "Ok. One last thing, and then you can go." 

"Yeeeeees?" 

He ran a hand through his hair, and then smiled down at her. "I just wanted you to know…yesterday and today were two of the best days of my life. Thank you." 

Donna didn't know what to say, other than a very emotional, "You're welcome, Josh." She let out a big sigh, brought her fingers to her lips, and then reached up and pressed those fingers to his lips. "I'll see you in the morning." 

He watched, smiling, as she pulled away. He practically skipped back across the street and up into his mother's home. 

Margie sat, smiling, at her kitchen table, waiting for him to come back in. "She's gone?" 

"Yeah," he said, as he crossed behind his mom and wrapped his arms around her, planting a kiss on the side of her head. "But this time, it's not for good." 


	11. Having Faith - MATURE Version 11

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 11  
The Road Trip**

Donna was once again punctual, arriving back at Margie's right on time at 8am the next morning. Margie met her at the door. "He's running late," she said, with a roll of her eyes. 

"Shocking," said Donna, well aware of Josh's inability to get himself out of bed without the help of two alarm clocks and 3 phone calls from her back in the old days. 

"I'll be ready in 5 minutes!" he yelled from the bathroom. 

"'Kay," she answered. She handed Margie a bakery bag, and laughed when Josh's mom said, "Let me guess…the finest muffins and bagels in all the land?" Donna laughed out loud. "Well, the finest in West Palm Beach, anyway!" 

Josh came out at that moment, tucking his T-Shirt into the back of his shorts, and snuck a hand into the bag. "What, no coffee, Donnatella?" he smirked. 

"Still not going to happen, Joshua," she snarked back, making him snicker and then laugh. 

Margie rolled her eyes again. "Remind me again why you two didn't jump each other long before now?" 

"MOM!" "MARGIE!" - Donna and Josh both gasped at once. 

"Honestly," Margie said, heading back into the kitchen. "Youth is wasted on the young. Go. Enjoy your day. Drive safely." She blew air kisses at both of them. 

"Jeez," Josh said as they headed into the elevator. "We could have used her a few years ago, huh?" 

Donna wasn't listening, however. Josh had a tiny muffin crumb clinging to the corner of his mouth, and she decided that it was her duty to kiss it off for him. The elevator doors opened on the lobby with the two of them wrapped around each other. They had to hit the "open" button to let themselves out, as the doors had closed on them before they noticed they had hit the ground floor. Josh leaned back and smiled at her, amused and aroused. "Well, good morning to you too, Donnatella." 

"You had a little crumb, there," Donna said, grinning and motioning towards his lip with her finger. 

"Oh yeah?" Josh said. "Remind me to dump dinner in my lap later," he said, naughtily. 

"Josh!" 

He snickered again. "Come on, Donnatella. Let's drive." 

They piled into the convertible, and set off on a north-bound highway. Donna was strangely content with not knowing where they were going. She liked that Josh was planning something for her, and was happy to let the secret linger for a while longer. "So guess what I brought?" she asked. 

"Doobie Brothers Greatest Hits CD?" 

"No." 

"Thermos of French Roast coffee?" 

"In your dreams." 

"Rarely," he grinned, while Donna raised an amused eyebrow at him. "Ok, I give up." 

Donna released her seatbelt, turned and leaned over the back of the front seat to grab something from the floor of the back seat, giving Josh an unbearable view of her rear end, snugly trapped in a pair of khaki shorts. "You're killing me here, Donna," he groaned, and she laughed, knowing full well that he was enjoying the view. 

"Sorry," she said with a wicked grin. "But will these make up for it?" She held up that day's New York Times and the Washington Post. 

"Oh, sweet God almighty. Newspapers. Donna, it's like you just brought a starving man some food. My mother's 'no news' edict whenever I'm home is worse than the post-shooting rules." 

"Don't mock the rules, Joshua." 

"Wouldn't dream of it, Donnatella." 

"The rules saved your life, Joshua." 

"*You* saved my life, Donnatella." 

Donna beamed at him, and then continued. "Well, I think it's nice. She knows you, and she knows that if she let you stay up all night watching CNN or brooding over the paper, you'd never actually do any *relaxing* when you come to visit her." 

"Jailed communist dissidents in the Soviet Gulag had more information about current events than I do when I'm down here. Ok. Enough small talk. Feed my brain. Will you read them to me?" 

She smiled. This was one of their "things" that had started on the campaign trail; when he was busy driving, or his eyes were killing him, she'd read the newspaper to him. She loved that it was part of "just them," time, he loved listening to her voice, and they both loved arguing over op-ed pieces and laughing over the Dear Abby dilemmas. 

"Of course I'll read them to you. Post or Times, first?" 

"Post," he said with a smile. "Can you start with the Metro page, please?" It was like old times. Except, every once in a while, Donna, in the midst of reading a story, would say, "Hold on, let me jot down that woman's name…she might make for a good "issues page" story," or "I interviewed that guy for a story. The worst breath on the planet, by the way," reminding him that she was no longer his assistant. But he liked their new, more equal footing. He loved that she had done so well for herself. He thought he might try to find a way to show it. 

About an hour and a half into their drive, he pulled in for gas. "Hey, let's switch, you drive now," he said. 

"Um, hello, I don't know where we're going!" she said, looking at him like he was crazy. 

"We're going straight on this highway for another hour and a half, and then I can direct you from there," he said. 

"I haven't read you the Times yet." 

"So, I'll read it to *you,*" he said, with a small smile. 

She stood very still, the heat of a Florida gas station baking all around them, and knew what he was telling her by offering to do this for her. *You're not my assistant anymore. We're equals. I can do this for you, too. Let me take care of you, too.* 

"Ok," she said, with a broad smile. "Do I get to pick the first section?" she laughed. 

"Oh no," he said. 

"Oh yes," she laughed. "The society section." 

He groaned. And she loved him all the more because he read her his least favorite section, and her most favorite section, first...just because she had asked him to and because it would make her happy. 

**************** 

An hour and a half later, Josh had read his way, out loud, through most of the Times, and they had had much fun ripping apart a conservative letter to the editor that made no sense, was completely inaccurate, and was spelled poorly to boot. Donna was having the time of her life. Suddenly, she saw a sign that said… ‘Orlando - Disney World - Attractions: 15 miles.’ 

"Josh!" 

"Donna!" 

"We're near Orlando!" 

"How about that." 

"Can we…wait. Is that where you're taking me?" 

"Yup." 

Donna kept trying to look at Josh, but her duties as driver were getting in the way. She kept looking from road to Josh to road to Josh, and not keeping the car very straight at the same time. He just kept grinning at her. "Screw it," she finally said with a laugh, and pulled over to the break-down lane of the thankfully not-so-busy highway. She threw the car into park, but left the engine running. 

"Donna, what the hell…" 

Donna scooched over and threw herself over Josh's lap like she had the day before, and put her hands on the seat back on either side of his head. "Joshua. Are you taking me to Disney World?" 

"Yes." He said with a grin. 

"I've always wanted to go to Disney World." 

"I seem to recall you saying that about a million times." 

"I was supposed to go when I was 8 years old." 

"You told me." 

"I got the chicken pox and had to stay home." 

"An American tragedy." 

"My whole family went, and I had to stay home with my Gramma who smelled like moth balls and who didn't like me, and I cried the whole time, and they didn't bring me mouse ears home like I asked them to." 

"And *I'm* the one in therapy," he snarked, beaming up at her. 

"Joshua." 

"Yes?" 

"You're really taking me to Disney World?" 

"Not at the moment, no, Donnatella, we seem to be stopped here on the side of the road." 

"Oh, we'll be rectifying that in a moment." 

"'Kay. You surprised?" 

"Yes." 

"Good." 

"Josh?" 

"Donna?" 

"I'm going to kiss you now." 

"I can get behind that plan." 

And she planted one on him that left no doubt in his mind that she was touched that he remembered. 

Thirty minutes later, Donna was eagerly tugging on Josh's hand and leading him through the main gates of the House that the Mouse built. 

*************** 

As they sat sharing an ice cream cone 8 hours later, Josh smiled once again at the fun he had had that day. When they arrived, Donna, knowing their time limitations, assessed the Magic Kingdom like a general going into battle. She grabbed a park guide, and within 5 minutes had mapped out their plan of attack. As a result, they had seen everything that she wanted to see, and they were able to go on Space Mountain twice. 

They were sharing a park bench as well as a double scoop of chocolate chip, sitting and looking out over "Donnatella's Castle," as her father had always called it. Their innocent plan to share an ice cream cone quickly tumbled into a very sexy game, when the first long drip eased off the cone and down her wrist, and Josh felt compelled to bring her hand to his mouth as he dragged his tongue up the inside of her arm to clean it off. 

"Now do you see why it's more fun to share food, Joshua?" she asked, huskily, flicking her tongue suggestively around the base of the melting cream. 

Josh ran his tongue right over the spots Donna had just swept over, tasting her along with the ice cream. "Uh-huh," he said with mock seriousness. "But why do you think I was always complaining?" he answered back, watching her watch his tongue drag along the rim, and flick back into his mouth. 

"Because you secretly loved it?" she smiled. 

"Because I secretly loved it," he said. "And," he said, leaning in conspiratorially, murmuring softly for her ears only, "I didn't want anyone to know how much I got off on eating from the same fork that had been in your mouth." 

Donna's eyes grew wide when she heard those last words, and she gasped a little bit. "Oh, wow, Josh. That was…very sexy," she said in low, strained voice. She noticed a drop of melted ice cream on one of her fingers, and keeping his eyes on hers, she brought the finger to her own mouth, and sucked the ice cream off, making Josh groan and start mumbling about Senator Thurmond's skivvies. She tried not to giggle, but lost the battle. 

Josh cocked an eyebrow, then poked his own index finger into the ice cream on purpose, and offered it up to her mouth for cleaning. As she took it in, he leaned closer and said, seductively in her ear, "You know what else is really sexy?" 

She suctioned the cream off of his finger, then flicked the tip of it with her tongue, causing him to exhale in a rush. "What?" she asked with a throaty purr. 

His eyes began to sparkle with glee. "Watching you suck ice cream off my finger, while wearing those mouse ears." 

"That doing it for you?" she grinned, casting her eyes upwards towards the ridiculous ears she had on, that she had insisted on having embroidered with her full name. 

"You have no idea," he growled. And they both burst out laughing. 


	12. Having Faith - MATURE Version 12

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 12  
Oh, That Sex Talk**

By the time they left Disney, got back to the car and on the road, it was dark. Donna was riding shotgun, and had her neck thrown back so she could look at the stars through the open roof of the convertible as they made their way back to West Palm Beach. The thick, opaque band of the Milky Way ran right above them, and it seemed to be guiding them home. 

"I miss the stars; you can't see them like this in Washington," she said dreamily. 

"Yeah, they're pretty incredible out here away from civilization," Josh said. "Hey," he added, holding out a hand, "if I promise to drive slowly and carefully, will you come here and let me hold you awhile?" 

She grinned, unsnapped her seatbelt, and snuggled under his right arm. "This goes against my better judgment, Joshua," she joked. "Seatbelts are a very important part of the safety features on this car. I'm putting my life in your hands," she added. 

"Then I'll be extra-careful," he murmured, dropping a kiss on the top of her head, and breathing in her scent. It never ceased to make his heart tighten. She smelled like lavender and Ivory soap and all things bright and beautiful. 

He sighed with the wonderfulness of it all, and idly traced patterns up and down her arm. "Why don't you close your eyes and try to sleep a bit, Donnatella?" he asked, loving the idea of holding her while she slept. 

"Actually," Donna said tentatively, as she burrowed into his side a bit more, "I was kind of hoping we could talk a bit about some stuff." 

Josh's heart took a nervous pitch, but he tried to remain calm. "Sure. Why don't you turn off the radio," he said. She did so, but before she could readjust herself next to him, Donna realized that she might need to reassure him. "A good talk, Josh, not a bad talk," she said, trying to see his eyes and read if he was anxious. He looked away from the road once, met her eyes, and smiled. 

"Ok," he said. "I was a little worried," he admitted. 

"Don't be," she answered, snuggling back under his arm again. "I'm not going anywhere." 

"Ok," he said, greatly relieved. "What do you want to talk about," he said. 

"Well," she started, "I like that we're going slow with, um…things," she said, wondering if she was going to be able to get through this conversation without sounding like a teenager. 

"Uh huh," Josh said, not sure where this was going. 

"But, I'm not going to lie to you," she said. "I am, in fact, desperate to jump your bones almost every minute of the day and night." 

"Donna!" he laughed, jerking the wheel a bit as her words surprised and shocked and aroused him all at once. "I promised I'd get you home in one piece, and that's not helping!" 

"I trust you," she said, laughing, and again her speaking of trust made his heart feel tight with emotion. *God I love this woman,* he thought. 

"Anyway," she said, "since I want us to be able to get to the lovemaking portion of…us," she said, not knowing how else to characterize their relationship at that moment, "sooner rather than later, then I think we need to have 'the sex talk,'" she said, a bit shyly. 

Josh gave her a sidelong glance and a smirking smile. "Well, Donna, I would have thought that your mom would have taken care of that for you quite a few years ago, but ok. Sometimes, Donna, when a man and a woman care very much about each other…" 

"Oh my God, Josh, not *that* sex talk, you idiot!" she said, cracking up. 

"Oh, good, because I didn't want to have to stop and try to find a copy of "How Babies Are Made" somewhere," he laughed. 

"Josh!" 

"No, really, do we need to go over the way your menstrual cycle works? You see, every 28 days, the human female goes into what we men like to call 'Psycho PMS Crazy Time,' which is an indication that we should stay as far as humanly possible away from you unless we're armed with chocolate and the 'Steel Magnolias' DVD…" 

She rewarded his humor with a pinch between his ribs. 

"Ouch! Ok, I'm sorry." He giggled. "Which sex talk was it you wanted to have?" he laughed, brushing his lips over the top of her head. 

She paused for a second, and then said, "The one where we calmly and rationally, and without too many upsetting details, let each other know what we've…ah…you know, I mean, how many people, test results, birth control methods, that sort of thing," she said, extremely sheepishly. 

"Oh," Josh said. "*That* sex talk. That's an important sex talk. I can have that talk. Because, you know, once we have all that out of the way, we can, you know, skip the talk, and go right to the sex when the time is right." 

"Exactly," Donna said, a bit relieved. "And, you know, I figured you might have some questions, you know, for me, due to that little, um, revelation I made to you back in, um, August." 

"Well, when you put it that way, why yes, Donna, I do have a couple burning questions on my mind," he said with a grin. 

*************** 

"Is it ok if I ask them?" Josh continued. 

"Yes," Donna replied confidently. 

"Ok." Josh eased the car into the right-hand lane so that they could drive a bit more slowly than the speed limit, and then he began. "You've had boyfriends, yes? I mean, Dr. Free…Brian…sorry, I promised myself I would never speak meanly about him again, I know it upsets you. So, there was Brian…." 

"Yes, for over a year." 

"Ok. Any other serious ones?" 

"Well, when you say 'serious,' what do you mean?" 

"Someone who slept over on a regular basis." 

"What, like aside from you, drunk on the couch?" 

"Oh my God, are you funny, Donnatella. Trust me when I tell you I didn't want to be on the couch." 

"Ah. Ok. Other than Brian, no one that regularly, really, especially after we made it to the White House." 

"Ok. The reason I'm asking is--" 

"Yeah?" 

"--Is this. I wanted to peel your clothes off of you and do things to you that would make you scream my name within the first five minutes of meeting you. So I'm just *completely* baffled as to why you're a virgin. I can't imagine being with you, being able to say you were mine, and not take every available opportunity to make love to you until you couldn't think straight anymore." 

Donna, her head tucked into the crook of Josh's arm, smiled, and planted a kiss on the side of his chest. "Not really a question," she sighed, "but you're forgiven," she added, completely floored with the images he presented her and the feelings behind the words. "Anything else, before I start answering?" 

"I guess, but I'm not sure how to ask it." 

"Give it a try." 

"Ok. Well, I guess I'm curious as to what…um…well, I'm curious and I'm not, because I really don't want to think about you with other guys too much, but I guess I'm wondering, ah, what you have done with other guys if you haven't had sex with them." He paused, and then couldn't contain himself any longer. "Ok, I'm sorry, Donna, but I can't…A *year?* A *year* Freeride had you and didn't have sex with you? I don't get it. Does he have a really unfortunate war wound? Is he blind and without a sense of smell or something? I just don't understand how…God, how he could spend *any* amount of time with you and look at you and hear you laugh and smell your hair and not want to love you senseless? Seriously. Is he mentally ill? What's his problem?" 

Donna was laughing out loud now, shaking, snorting. "Josh," she giggled. "You are incredibly sweet sometimes, you know that?" 

"Whatever. Fine, I'm sweet, but he's *got* to be the biggest idiot I've ever had the good fortune not to meet. Sorry, I know I should be nice, but…Good *God,* Donna. A *year?*" 

"It's ok. He *was* an idiot. And, as you know, he didn't treat me very well." 

Josh now growled under his breath at that. 

"I was a different person then, Josh. I didn't have the strength to stand up for myself. You giving me a chance in Nashua helped give that to me." 

He ran a hand over her hair, and sighed as she continued to speak. 

"I…when I was with Brian, I kept making all these excuses for why I didn't want to have sex with him. I wasn't ready. I was afraid of getting pregnant. I'd scare him with the 1% or 2% failure rate of the condom or the Pill." 

"You scared him with statistics. Why does that not shock me?" 

Donna smiled at that, then went on. "At first, he wanted to have sex with me, but after a while, I think he just stopped caring so much." She paused for a minute. "Honestly, I have no proof of this, but as I look back on it, I wonder if he was seeing someone else at the same time. It wouldn't surprise me." She ran an arm around Josh's middle to calm the angry curse she heard escape his lips. She loved that even after all this time, Josh hated Freeride for her. It made it easier for her to be philosophical about it. 

"So…what, you guys didn't do…anything? In bed, I mean?" 

"Well, he was at the hospital or in classes all the time, and we were on different sleep schedules, so we made excuses that way for a while. But when we did, you know, do stuff…it was mostly me, doing…ah, stuff to him." 

Josh really hadn't thought he could hate Freeride more. He really didn't. But this little bit of news was almost too much to take. Thank God for anger management, however. Josh thought he was doing a remarkably good job of not whipping the car around and pointing it towards Wisconsin so he could put his hands on Freeride's throat. 

"He never, ah, reciprocated?" Josh said, wondering why he wasn't more relieved that Freeride *hadn't* touched Donna more. His anger at the thought of someone treating her so carelessly and selfishly, however, was winning out over his relief that Brian hadn't had the good sense to worship her body in every way possible. 

Donna sighed. "A few times…I, well, I wasn't a big fan when he did. And, I don't think it's that I'm not a big fan in general, because I've had more than a dream or two starring…well, you, and that scenario, and let's just say it was highly enjoyable," she grinned, squeezing him around the middle when he groaned at the visual she was giving him. "Sorry, I'm not trying to drive you crazy. I just think that, deep down, somewhere I didn't want to see clearly, I didn't trust him. So I didn't have the traditional sort of sex with him, and I didn't trust him enough to enjoy him touching me. It's a wonder we lasted as long as we did…oh yeah, I forgot, I was his Sugar Mama. Of course he kept me on for as long as he did." 

"I'm sorry he treated you that way, Donna," Josh said quietly. 

Donna gave Josh a small smile. "Yeah, me too. So, anyway, I left Brian twice, then came to Washington, and I've been on lots of first and second dates, but nothing more than that…apparently thanks to you," she said with a poke in his side, alluding to his admission in the letter that he sabotaged her dates. 

"Sorry," he said, sheepishly. 

"In retrospect," she said with a laugh, "you're forgiven. I invited some of them in when they dropped me home, but things never went very far; I was always too afraid that I'd let someone in who was really a spy for the National Enquirer and I'd see 'DCoS Secretary in Wild Sex Romp' as the latest headline somewhere." 

"Yikes," Josh said. Then he asked the question he had been dreading, but knew he had to ask. "And Cliff?" he said. 

*************** 

Donna leaned back a bit to look at Josh's face. "You really ok to talk about him, Josh?" 

"Yeah, we need to," he said. "I just…I should tell you, I know he's a good guy. That's why I freaked so bad over him. I thought that if I was ever going to lose you to someone, he might be the one." 

Donna nodded quietly. "He *is* a good guy, Josh. And he's nice, and he's funny, and he's decent. And he thought I was pretty. And he complimented me. And he made me feel a little bit…desired. I hadn't had that in a long time, Josh." 

"I'm sorry, Donna. I wish I hadn't been such an ass, and that I had done all those things for you." 

"I know," she smiled ruefully. "I guess…when I got together with Cliff, I don't know, I was just tired of being alone. And frustrated by how much I felt for you, and frustrated by not being able to have you, and all the mixed messages you threw me… So a nice guy asked me out. And we had a great night. And then all of a sudden we realized, even though we really liked each other, that because of politics, we weren't supposed to even speak to each other." 

Donna sat back a bit so she could look at the side of Josh's face as he faced the road. "Do you know how frustrating that was, Josh? It was *you* all over again. This guy I couldn't have, because of all the other crap out there. MS. Republicans vs. Democrats. Scandal. And I think that frustrated Cliff as much as it did me. So when he came over the next night to apologize for running out on me on our first date, I invited him in. And we had too much wine. And the lights were dim. I wanted something I couldn't have. And I couldn't have you. So I did the next best thing. I kissed him." 

Donna grabbed Josh's right hand with one of her own, to try to smooth over what she was about to say. "And so we started pulling off clothes and heading back into my bedroom. And I was going to do it. Lose the 'big V." Get it over with. Just try to enjoy myself for once and not worry about all the other stuff." She looked down at her lap. "We were there, and we were well on the way to being naked, and he started kissing his way down my body…and I realized…" she stopped talking for a moment. 

Josh, trying very hard to keep a close rein on his emotions, said, "you realized…?" 

Donna's voice was low, and sad. "I realized that I was pretending he was you. And I couldn't do that to him. He didn't deserve that. So I made him stop, and gave him the "we're about to be on opposite sides of the MS thing" excuse. He was really decent about it. Many other guys would probably have wanted to kill me, or be violent about standing there naked and turned on and not get anything out of it," she said sadly. "But he was sweet. He got dressed, and sat on the edge of my bed with me and held onto me for a few minutes. And then he left. The next time I saw him was at the deposition. He obviously saw the diary at some point that night." She paused again. "I worried at first that he was making a big deal out of the lie because he was getting me back for making him stop. But that's not it, Josh." She turned her eyes to Josh again. "He just really believes in right and wrong. He's like Sam, in that. A lie was a lie, and he knew I was a good person, so he thought I must have been hiding something, and it was his job to find out what that was." 

She paused again. "What he didn't know, of course, was that I was hiding *you* in that diary. The PTSD, for sure." She sighed. "But it was more than that. I was hiding my feelings for you. That diary was a five-year running commentary on all things Josh. Every stupid little look you gave me. Every kind word. Every unkind word. Every worry I had for you. And my entries on Cliff ended with the following sentence: 'He's a wonderful, sweet guy. But he's not Josh.'" 

Josh was quiet for long while once she stopped talking. When he finally spoke, his voice was gravelly with emotion. "And when you told me about the diary and the lie, I was so jealous, and upset that you were choosing someone over me, that I made it seem like you had betrayed me. I'm so sorry for that. Once again, you protected me, and I turned around and threw it back in your face. I'm so, so sorry, Donna." 

She just smiled, and accepted his apology silently. "Anyway. That's the story. My whole, non-sordid dating history. Such as it is," she laughed. 

They rode in silence for a while. After a bit, Donna asked, "Do you want me to drive at all?" 

"No, I'm enjoying holding you like this. It's only another hour or so, anyway." 

"'Kay." 

"Donna?" 

"Hmm?" 

"Do you have any questions for me? You know, regarding the whole sex talk?" 

She laughed. "You don't mind?" 

"Nope. My life is an open book." 

She laughed. "Ok. Let me think for a second." She resettled next to him, under his arm, into a more comfortable position. "Ok. First question. When did you lose your virginity?" 

"Freshman year of college. I was a late bloomer. Mary Ann McAfee. Nice girl. Sophomore." 

Donna giggled. "Oooh, Joshua, an older woman. You stud." 

"Yes, well, this stud wasn't very impressive. It was over in about 2.5 seconds, and she was suitably unimpressed enough to move on to my roommate in record time." 

"Yikes. I'm sorry." 

"That's ok. I hear she's been divorced twice and is living in a trailer park in Mississippi now." 

"Really?" 

"No, I just like to think that." 

Donna laughed. "Ok. Next question. Have you, ah, ever had sex without a condom?" 

Josh thought for a minute. "Wow. You know…honestly? I don't think that I have. I've always been very conscientious when it comes to safe sex. Don't want any unknown Lymans running around out there in the world." 

Donna smiled. "So, that probably means you haven't had to worry about…testing, and all that sort of thing." 

"No," he said, smiling down at her. "I had an AIDS test a couple of years ago, I went with a friend who was worried, and took one with him for moral support. It was negative; I didn't think it would be anything but. And the only person since that has been Amy, and we…we were safe," he said, unsure how much Donna would want to know. 

"Ah. Ok." She was quiet for a minute. "There's a reason I asked, you know, about the testing." 

"Oh, yeah? Why?" 

"Because I've been on the Pill for a few years. For the shorter, less painful periods," she added quickly. "So, you know, since I'm on the Pill, and a virgin, and you're disease-free, we'd be covered, you know, when we get to the lovemaking," she said, a bit sheepishly. 

"Oh," Josh thought, suddenly getting where she was going with this, and becoming immediately aroused at the thought of sex with Donna with nothing between them. "Well, then," he said after a long moment spent getting a hold of himself. "When we do get to the lovemaking, it'll be a first for both of us." She leaned up, and looked at him; he tore his eyes from the road quickly, bored into her own, and looked back at the road. She saw love, and desire there, and didn't know how much longer she was going to be able to wait. 

"Donna?" 

"Yeah?" 

Josh paused for a moment. "I just wanted you to know…Amy was my Cliff." 

Donna knew what he was getting at, but she decided to tease him anyway. "You couldn't have Cliff, so you went out with Amy? Josh, that's so sad. I'm sure if you asked him nicely…" 

"Oh, Donna, there are so many things wrong with that statement…" he began, laughing. But then he got serious. "I couldn't have you. So I settled. She's funny, and she's smart, and she's pretty. But she's not you. And just to prove what a bastard I am…on more than one occasion, when I was with her, I closed my eyes and wished that it was you. And I didn't stop." 

"Josh." Donna didn't know what to say. So she tried to lighten the mood one more time. "Ok, well, I have one last question for you." 

"Ok, shoot." 

Donna leaned back, waited a moment, and then said, "Mandy Hampton, Josh? What the hell were you thinking?" 

He laughed, started to come up with a snarky retort, and then caved. "Oh, hell, honestly Donna? I have no idea. That must have been my one attempt at sadomasochism." 

"Ooh, Josh, kinky." 

"No, I mean dating her was like S&M. Well, bad S&M, anyway…where there's a little bit of pleasure, but then a whole lot of pain. And not in a good way." 

Donna threw her head back and laughed at that, for a good long while. When she wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes, she saw that they were back at the exit for West Palm Beach. It had been a good day. 


	13. Having Faith - MATURE Version 13

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 13  
First and Final Steps**

Josh pulled the convertible into an empty spot on the deserted street in front of his mother's building just after midnight, and left the motor running. He really just wanted to turn it off and pull Donna inside and never let her get away from him again. He turned to look at her; she was back sitting in the usual passenger spot in the car. 

She looked back at him. They sat for a few minutes, in the moonlight, watching each other, and listening to the waves hit the beach across the street. Donna spoke first. 

"Thank you," she said. 

"For what?" Josh answered. 

"For today. For remembering about Disney World, and taking me there and making one of my dreams come true. For laughing with me all day and letting me drag you around like a tourist for eight hours. For licking the ice cream off my wrist and making me feel…wanted. For holding me on the ride home. For listening to me talk about the hard stuff tonight. Today…today was one of the best days of *my* life. Thank you, for all of that." 

He didn't know what to say, so he said the obvious. "You're welcome, Donna. It was more than my pleasure, all of it." 

"So," she continued, "I was wondering something." 

"Yes?" 

"If we, ah, if you thought there were any more steps we had to take before, you know, ending the slowness." 

He grinned at the way she chose to announce that she wanted to have sex with him. "Are you telling me what I think you're telling me?" 

She thought about answering with another cute retort, but tilting her head, decided to just cut to the chase. "Yes." 

He smiled, then looked down at his hands on the steering wheel, and moved to the keys and cut the engine. He turned so that his back was against the driver's side door, so he was facing her. "Sadly, Donnatella, there are one or two more things I think need to be said before…before," he began, looking down at his hands, and then carefully up at her. 

"Oh," Donna answered. "Ok." *Tell me so we can get on with it!* her mind was shouting, but of course she'd never say that out loud. "That's important. Ok." 

"The thing is," Josh began, "I just don't know if you're ready to hear what it is I have to say to you, so I'm afraid to say it, because I don't want you to feel rushed. I know how important 'slow' has been for you," he said, blushing a bit in the moonlight, and grinning down at his lap again, not really sure about meeting her eye right now. "But I don't want to make love to you until I've said it first," he said, raising his eyes to hers, finally. 

Donna's heart started to pound. "Ah," she said, understanding. "Are you telling me what I think you're trying to tell me?" she said with a laugh. 

His heart tumbled, and was finally lost to hers forever. He was ready to take a chance. "C'mere," he said softly, holding out a hand to her. He scooted to the middle of the seat, and pulled her over his lap like they had done twice before. He used his hands to smooth her wind-whipped hair, running his palms over it, tucking it behind her ears, gathering it and pulling it all to one side, so that he exposed one long side of her neck to the night air. He stilled his hands, finally, on either side of her face, and looked into her eyes. 

"If you think that what I'm trying to tell you," he said, swallowing hard, "is that I'm completely in love with you," and he watched her lips curve into a soft smile, "that I have been ever since I met you," he said with a smile of his own, "and that I want the chance to show you how much I love you every day for the rest of my life," he said, watching her eyes get teary, "then yes, Donnatella, I'm telling you what you think I'm telling you." He wiped a tear off of her cheek with a gentle thumb, and stroked the side of her neck with a gentle hand. 

She started to speak, but he stilled her with fingers against her mouth. "Wait, Donna, there's a bit more. I also have to tell you, one more time, before we can do this, how sorry I am…" and his voice broke a bit, and *his* eyes became teary, and he looked away over to the ocean for a moment. He looked back, and into her eyes. "How sorry I am," he started again, with a voice hoarse with emotion, "for the way I treated you that night. I hurt you, and I frightened you. I can't sleep with you, until I know that you know that I'll never do that to you again. I won't touch you if I think there's a shred of doubt in your mind about me. And I'm willing to wait as long as is necessary for you to feel completely comfortable with me again. I'm so sorry, Donnatella. I love you more than I ever thought I was capable. I never want to be without you again. So I won't rush you, and I won't touch you until you're sure of me." 

Donna now kissed his cheeks, and ran her fingers through his unruly curls. "Joshua?" she asked, her lips a whisper away from his. 

"Yes?" 

She backed up a bit, to look him in the eye. "I forgive you." She lowered her mouth to his for a kiss. "I trust you." He inhaled sharply, and received another kiss. She pulled back one more time. "And I love you too," she whispered, watching his eyes begin to smile. "Please take me somewhere and make love to me. I've waited so long for you. I don't want to be without you any longer." 

He pulled her back in with his hands on the back of her head, and devoured her mouth. He moved his hands down her back, molding her body to his chest, the feel of her against him making him groan with anticipation. He kissed his way down her neck, nudging the hollow at the bottom of her throat with his nose, tickling it with his breath. "Are you sure, Donna?" he asked, throatily. 

"It's been 26 and a half years, Joshua. I think I'm ready," she laughed. 

He laughed into her throat. "Your place or mine?" he asked wickedly. 

"Oh God," she whispered as he laved the side of her neck with his mouth and tongue. "Your place is…closer," she said with a backwards look towards the condo, "and let me tell you how tempting closer is right now…but my place…." 

"…doesn't have my mother in the next room," he said, gasping as she ran her hands over his chest and up his neck, into his hair. 

"Precisely," she said, sighing at the sparks shooting across her skin. "And I have a feeling…" 

"What feeling is that, Donnatella?" he asked with a naughty tone to his voice. 

"I have a feeling that I could be very…vocal…about what we'll be doing," she said with a smile. 

Those words sent a lightening bolt of desire straight to his lap. "Sweet God in heaven. Oh my…ok. Let's go. Let me start the car," he said, reaching around her and fumbling for the keys in the ignition. Donna chuckled and kept kissing him all over his face. 

"Josh, shouldn't you let go of me so you can drive?" she asked in an amused voice. 

"No, just stay right where you are, I'll use the Force to navigate if I have to," he said, desperate not to have to let go of her. 

She threw her head back and laughed. "Just get us there, Joshua. I'll make it worth your while," she purred in his ear as she climbed off of him and settled back in next to him under his arm. 

*************** 

Josh broke a number of municipal traffic laws on the way from his mother's to the Radisson, but he really didn't think that there was a cop in the world who would write him a ticket if he understood the circumstances. Josh blew into the hotel parking lot, and barely managed to throw the car into park before killing the engine. He started to pull Donna towards him, and out the door on his side, but she wound up on his lap again, consuming his lips with her own. "Oh dear God Donna, PLEASE let me get you inside," he begged against her lips, making her laugh. 

"Ok," she whispered, "but we have to put the top up first," she said, giggling now. 

"Ok. Top up. Now. Then more…of this," he said with obvious desire choking his words. Together they pulled and pushed the canvas car top into place, then he grabbed her hand and started pulling her towards the hotel lobby. "Tell me you have your key," he said, holding the door for her and watching her backside sway as she moved in front of him. She pulled the key card out of her back pocket, and waved it in front of him. "Third floor, room 317," she said. "I asked for it, especially," she said on a whisper. 

He wasn't quite getting it. "Why?" he asked, nuzzling her ear as they waited interminable seconds for the elevator to arrive. 

"Ask me again later," she said, with a smile on her face. "It would take too long to explain right now." 

"Ok. I'd rather have your lips moving for other purposes," he said with a growl in her ear as she pulled at his earlobe with her teeth. 

The elevator arrived with a loud "ding," and Josh backed her into the car, managing to hit the "3" button quickly before pressing Donna against the back wall and assaulting her mouth again, his hands firmly entwined in her hair. They heard another loud "ding" to let them know they had arrived at the third floor. She grinned, and grabbed his hand and led him out of the car into the hallway. "This way," she said, tugging him to the left and down the hall. 

His eyes were wide and on fire with desire, and it gave her a thrill to know that it was all for her. She backed up and leaned against the door to room 317, and held the key card up in front of her for Josh to take. He made a show of sliding the card into the key slot very slowly, then dragging it back up again with equal finesse, all the while plastering Donna against the door with his mouth and body. They both heard the click of the lock releasing, and he said, against her mouth, "Door's open, Donnatella." He wrapped one arm around her back, and used the other to push down on the door handle and let them into the room. 

There was one low, small light on the credenza across from the beds that she had left on, and that was all Josh needed. He didn't want bright lights, but he wanted to be able to see her. "First things first," he said. He crossed to the phone in the room, dialed "9" for an outside line, and called a number from memory. "Hey mom," he said, eyes laughing into Donna's as he held her close with his free arm. "Yeah, it was fantastic. She was surprised. Just wanted you to know I won't be back tonight." He grinned at the blush he was quite sure was spreading up and over Donna's face at that revelation. "Yeah, ok. No, we'll be over tomorrow night for dinner, how's that? Super. I love you too. Bye." 

"Joshua, you're a good son, you know that?" Donna laughed. 

"Yup. Now I want to show you what a good lover I am. Sound like a plan?" 

"Yes," she said, a bit breathlessly. She looked up and grinned at him. "After all this time…I almost don't know where to start," she laughed. 

"Well, thank goodness I'm here, I'm just full of ideas," Josh said with a naughty smile, pulling her against his chest, and wrapping his arms around her. "Why don't we just take it slow," he said, pulling his head back to kiss her. "Nice…" and he traced a finger down the side of her neck, "…and…" then across her jaw to her mouth, "…slow," he said, replacing the finger he was using to trace her bottom lip with his mouth. "I'm going to show you what you've been missing all these years," he promised with another kiss. "I'm going to love you senseless," he swore, pulling her T-shirt out of the back of her shorts, and running his hands up her bare back. His touch on her skin made her knees go weak. 

He pulled his head back to look at her again. "I can't believe I'm finally going to make love to you," he said quietly, sounding amazed that it was finally true. 

"Talk is cheap, Lyman," she said, making him arch an eyebrow at her and start kissing her with more passion, to prove he could back up the words with actions. That made her laugh, and then sigh. "I love you so much," she said, as her hands roamed over his back. "I can't believe we're finally going to do this, either." 

"Yup. Hopefully multiple times," he said laughing. But as they kissed, they stopped laughing, and Josh finally pulled back, looked into her eyes, said, "There's no one but you, Donnatella. There's never been anyone for me but you." And with that, he backed her up towards the bed, and got lost in her arms. 

******** 

He was a man of his word. 

Donna felt limp, and languorous, and beautiful, and happy, lying in bed with Josh, his naked body wrapped around her own. 

"Donnatella…oh, god, I love you so much," he whispered once he could speak again. "Are you ok?" he asked, mindful of all that she had just newly gone through. 

"Yes," she said, kissing his neck and ear, and being rewarded as he sucked in air sharply at the sensation. "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes," she said, with a laugh. "I'm much better than ok." 

"Ok," he said, relieved, holding her close. They kissed and touched and held onto each other, and then Josh spoke again. 

"Donna…that was…I never…oh, dear God, that was unbelievable," Josh finally stammered, adding, "Are you *sure* you've never done this before?" making Donna laugh against his chest. 

"I'm a quick study, Josh," she said, devouring his mouth with her own. "There's never been anyone but you," she whispered, echoing his earlier words. Josh shifted his weight so that he could pull her body close to his own. Chests, torsos, hips, thighs, shins, calves and toes, each bit of him was pressed against and entangled with her, as they kissed and touched and sighed and smiled at each other. 

Josh tried valiantly to stifle a yawn, but Donna missed nothing, and she smiled up at him. 

"Need a nap, Romeo?" she giggled. 

"As much as I hate to admit it," he laughed, "I'm so not 21 anymore. Plus," he said, trailing his hand over her shoulders, making her skin tingle all over again, "it's been kind of a momentous day, all the way around." 

Donna smiled into his chest. "It's okay," she said, dreamily. "I'm tired too. How do you like to sleep?" she asked, marveling at the fact that there was something that she didn't instinctively know about him. 

"Like this," he said, rolling onto his back and pulling her against him, tucking her into the space between his arm and body. "Good for you?" 

"Yes," she said, happily. "I love you," she said, on a whisper. 

"I love you too," he said, kissing her head, almost asleep already. 

"Josh?" 

"Hmmm?" 

"I can't wait until tomorrow…when we can do that all over again." 

He smiled broadly. "That's my girl," he said, with a laugh. "Sleep, Donnatella, so that I can woo you some more in the morning." 

She grinned, and they both drifted off to sleep in the other's arms. 


	14. Having Faith - MATURE Version 14

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 14  
No Moleste, Por Favor**

The Florida sunshine peeked in and around the window shades of Donna's hotel room earlier than they would have liked, but Josh and Donna managed to ignore the intrusion until 9:30am or so. Donna buried her head into Josh's armpit to try to hide her eyes from the glare, and managed to tickle him in the process, so they were both well on the way to being awake at about the same time. Donna looked up into Josh's sleepy eyes with her own, and gave him a very enthusiastic, throaty, and sexy "Good morning," that went straight to his groin. He rolled them both and pinned her back onto her pillows with a searing kiss, running his hands over her body as if he were still making up for lost time. He was no longer shy about touching her wherever he wanted to, and not to be outdone, Donna reciprocated, running her hands over his back and chest and waist and generally enjoying the best wake-up call she'd ever had. 

"Josh," she whispered against his mouth. "I have an idea," she said, hoping he'd be intrigued. 

Boy, was he ever. "Does it involve you and me and more of this?" he said, pulling the sheet back so he could get a better look at her in the sunlight. 

"Yes," she said, blushing a bit and, to make him laugh, primly pulling the sheet back up to her chest. "I'm feeling like I want to take a shower," she said, leaning into him and running her hands down his back when he leaned in for a kiss. 

"God, I love it when you have feelings," he said, laughing. He dropped one more kiss on her mouth, then rolled off of her, pulling her hand at the same time so that she followed him off the bed and into the bathroom. 

The day maid knocked on the bedroom door, and peeked her head in, but then ducked out with a smile as she heard the shower running, and two voices laughing and giggling to each other from within. 

*************** 

Drying off took forever; Donna had never realized how intimate and sexy it could be to towel someone else off. The cotton terry cloth was wonderfully rough across her now-hyper-sensitive skin, and Josh did a very good job of rubbing all of her most delicate spots with the large towels the hotel provided. Finally, they emerged into the bedroom, and Josh went over to the front door to hang the "Do Not Disturb" sign out. "No need for them to make the beds today," he said to himself, making Donna laugh as she overheard him. 

"Josh, do you know what 'Do Not Disturb' is in Spanish?" 

"Ahhhhhhh, no." 

"No moleste." 

"No mo-whaaa?" 

"No moe-les-tay," she said, sounding it out for him. "Do Not Disturb. It's funny!" 

"Uh-huh," he said, grinning at her unreal ability to bring the random facts at all times. Not to be outdone, he brought his own take on high school Spanish to the conversation. "Well, that's great and all, but I'd be happy to let someone disturb me if that person brought me some huevos rancheros y bagels and cream cheese." 

"Oh. God, yes. Eggs. Pancakes. Coffee. Did I mention eggs?" Donna groaned at how hungry she suddenly was. "I'm going to comb out my hair. You get on the phone and order us up some food from room service," she said, smiling at him. 

She went into the bathroom to find her comb, wandered back into the bedroom, and turned to the mirror to work the kinks out of her hair. She watched as Josh settled himself into a large overstuffed chair that looked out over a small balcony to the ocean beyond. *God, he's sexy,* she thought to herself, getting a jolt from watching the towel he had barely wrapped around himself buckle and dip in all the right places. He reached over and grabbed the room service menu, and dialed the phone. *How is it even remotely possible that I want to have his hands on me, again, so soon?* she thought to herself, then just as soon as that thought crossed her mind, Josh caught her eye in the mirror and smiled at her. *Oh god, those dimples.* She had really missed the dimples. 

As the phone started to ring, Josh looked up at Donna again, just in time to see her lift her arms, greet Josh's eyes with her own in the mirror over the credenza, arch her back, and start to pull the comb through her wet hair. 

"Room Service! Hello? Hello…Is anyone there?" 

"Ye…Yes." Josh was absolutely struck dumb by the sight of Donna watching him, watching her, in the mirror as she lifted her arms to her hair. 

"Sir? Did you want to order room service?" 

"Yes." 

"Sir? Would you like to tell me what you want?" 

Josh watched her body move in front of him with wide, attentive eyes. 

"What I want?" 

"Sir…" 

"Later. I'll call back later." 

Josh hung up the phone, absently, missing the cradle by a mile but managing to knock it into place with the side of his hand. His eyes never left Donna's. "Come here," he said, with a low voice that told her exactly what is was that he wanted. 

She crossed to him, and sat with her back facing him between his legs on the big chair. She handed him the comb and said, "Wanna help?" with a smile over her shoulder. 

He took the comb, and ran it through her hair, loving the way his actions sent cascading waves of her lavender scent towards him. He picked her hair up off of her neck, and pulled it to the side, so that he could caress the side of her neck with his fingers. "You're too far away," he said with a low, pouty rumble. "Come back here against me." 

She scooted back so that she was leaning across his body; he twisted slightly so that he could lean over and trap her mouth with his own. He ran his hands down her arms and over the front of her towel, loving having her near him again. "I love that smell," he murmured, running his hands over her hair now. 

"What smell?" she asked, dreamily. 

"I don't know…that…*you* smell. I guess it's your shampoo. I smell it and I think of you. When I was in Paris…" and Josh trailed off, frowning a bit and running his hand down the side of her neck now, and then pulling her closer against him with both arms wrapped around her. 

Donna twisted a bit so that she could look at his face. "What?" she asked, quizzically. 

Josh dropped a kiss on the side of her head, and laid his cheek against her as well. "On Thanksgiving, with my mom, remember I told you how much I liked the Louvre?" 

"Yes," Donna said, running her hands along Josh's arms, wrapped tight around her middle. She wasn't entirely sure where this was going, but she let him get there on his own. 

"I was sitting on a bench, looking at this beautiful Botticelli fresco of the Three Graces," Josh murmured, remembering. "Beauty, gentleness, and friendship. And I was thinking about you," he said, sadly now. "And just then, a woman walked past me, and she…she must use the same shampoo or something, because it was you. It was your scent." Josh was quiet for a moment, letting that sink in. "What flavor is it, anyway?" he asked making her laugh. "What?" he said, quizzically, not getting the joke. 

"It's lavender, Josh, flowers, not flavors," she laughed. 

"Oh," he said, chuckling too. "Whatever it is, I'd know that scent anywhere. Anyway," he said, cuddling her against him a bit tighter, "that woman walked past, just when I was thinking about you, and then all I could smell was you…I almost got up to look for a pay phone to call you," he admitted, seeing that day clearly in his mind's eye. "I thought it was a sign or something. But I chickened out," he said, smiling ruefully. 

Donna twisted again to hold Josh's face in her hands, and to kiss him soundly. "I would have accepted the call," she said, with a smile. 

He looked down at her with wonder and love and awe in his eyes. "How did I ever resist you for so long?" he said on a whisper. "*Why* did I resist you for so long? No wonder I went crazy," he added, making her laugh. "Thank you, Donnatella…For everything…for last night, and this morning…I…I used to imagine us together, like that," he said, kissing her and raking his fingers across her shoulders. "You're every fantasy I've ever had, come true," he whispered, his hands now toying with the edges of her towel. 

Donna laughed, kissing him back and running her hands into his hair. "You're welcome, Joshua. You've made my best dreams come true, too." She kissed him one more time, and then push back a bit to look him in the eye. "Josh?" 

"Yeah?" 

She paused, and gave him a devastatingly seductive look. "I'm *really* hungry now," she said, in the sexiest voice she could muster. 

"Good god in heaven. Keep doing that and we'll never get any eggs up here," he moaned, making her dissolve into a fit of giggles. He picked up the phone, and told her, "No talking," in a faux-stern voice. He placed an order for food enough for a small army, then led Donna over to the bed so they could curl up together and wait for breakfast to arrive. 

*************** 

Wearing the hotel bathrobes that they found hanging in the closet, they feasted on the smorgasbord of food that Josh had ordered, eating off of each other's plates like always. Things took a turn towards earlier events when Donna straddled Josh on his chair and teased his mouth with strawberries. She held one by the stem and let it play against her tongue, just inches from his mouth; she dropped it into her mouth and sucked on it, whole, her eyes never leaving his. She held a larger berry between her teeth, daring him to take it from her, and he met the challenge with gusto. They both knew they'd never smell strawberries again and not blush, and Josh was now calculating whether he had time to lead her back to the bed and woo her in his own, special way again before heading to his mother's condo. 

"You're turning me into a sex addict, Joshua," Donna laughed, sitting in his lap with her legs wrapped around the back of Josh's chair, while Josh kissed strawberry juice from her fingers. Her robe was belted loosely around her midsection, and Josh had peeled the top back to expose her shoulders. He was running lazy hands along her upper body. 

"My master plan," he said with a smirk and a gasp as Donna leaned forward, dragged her mouth along his jaw line and kissed all around his neck. 

"So, what time is your flight tomorrow," he asked, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face against her breastbone. 

"7am," she whispered into the top of his head. The thought of leaving Florida was unnerving her a little bit. What would they be like back in DC? Would it be as easy between them there as it had been over the last 48 hours here? 

"Would you mind," he said, nudging his nose and mouth against her skin, "if I tried to get on that flight too?" He ran his mouth along her neck, then looked up into her eyes. He had known her too long. He knew with one look that she was worrying about "them" and going back. 

"No," she whispered, "I wouldn't mind," she said. "But there's a few days left to your vacation," she said, looking down, away from his eyes. *What am I to you?* her mind was demanding. She was suddenly incredibly insecure; in DC, the only Josh she had known was the boss she couldn't have, or the friend who hurt her so cruelly. "Don't you want a few more days in paradise before going back?" 

Josh placed a finger under her chin, and lifted her head so that she could look into his eyes. "Donnatella," he said, pulling her down to kiss him with a gentle hand to the back of her head. "I never again want to be where you aren't," he said simply. "You are the love of my life," he said, smoothing her hair with steady hands. "And," he said, leaning his forehead to hers, "as soon as we get back, and get settled, and you're ready, at just the right moment, I'm going to make you an offer you won't be able to refuse," he promised, capturing her mouth with his own again, then leaning back to look in her eyes, to make sure she understood his words. 

She did. She held his head with her hands. "Why, Josh. Are you telling me what I think you're telling me?" she said, with a smile on her lips and a sober tone to her voice. 

"Yes," he said, very seriously. 

"You mean in exchange for my love, you'll bring me coffee every morning for the rest of my life? Well, hell, Lyman, I'll say yes to that offer right now," she said with a snort and a whoop as he sat up and threw her on the bed, tickling her until she screamed. 

When she finally yelled "Uncle," and he was able to claim victory, their wrestling turned to kisses. Looking up at his face, Donna sighed with happiness. "Josh?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Call the airlines." 

Josh smiled down at her. "Yes, ma'am." 


	15. Having Faith - MATURE Version 15

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 15  
A Song and a Number**

By the time Josh got off the phone, having secured a spot on Donna's flight in the morning, they took yet another shower together, and it was 3pm. They figured that if they didn't get out of the hotel room they might kill each other with another round of sex, although Josh argued persuasively that wouldn't exactly be the worst way to go. They got dressed and went for a walk on the beach. When they got back, it was 4:30, and they headed over to Margie's for dinner. They helped her prepare a pot of homemade spaghetti sauce - Josh cutting one tomato to prove that he had helped - and then Donna helped Josh gather up the clothes and other items he had with him at his mom's. He was going to stay with Donna that night at the Radisson, and then leave with her early the next morning. 

Donna offered to do the dishes, so that Josh and his mom could spend some time together packing Josh's suitcases. *I envy him his relationship with her,* Donna thought wistfully. She and her own mother had never been particularly close. Donna just thanked her lucky stars that Margie loved her like she was Margie's own. Donna crossed the kitchen to snap on a little transistor radio that Josh's mom kept in the kitchen, and was rewarded when Aretha Franklin – one of Donna's favorites - came on singing about respect. Donna had fun scrubbing and singing along. 

*************** 

Josh and his mom were standing, facing each other, in front of the tall bureau in her bedroom. She had taken his hands in her own. 

"Joshua. You're sure?" 

"Yes, I am, Mom." 

"Good. About time you caught up with the rest of us, who knew years ago," Margie said, shaking her head a bit at her son. 

Josh sighed, and then pulled her into a hug. "Mom, you know, a little help from you years ago might have saved us all some time, here…" 

"No, Joshua. You needed to come to this all on your own. I'm so glad you finally did," she said, mistily into his shoulder. 

Josh pulled back and sat on his mother's bed. "So. Grandma's ring?" 

Margie reached out with one hand to smooth down the unruly curls on Josh's head, a habit she had cultivated over decades, and one that Josh hoped she'd never give up. "Grandma left it for my children, so it's yours to give. Let me go get it for you. When will you ask her?" 

"Well, first I have a question for you, Mom." 

"Of course, Joshua." 

"Will you come with me to the Inaugural Ball?" Josh enjoyed the look of surprise on his mom's face at his request. 

"Joshua! What! Are you serious?" 

"Yes." 

"Oh, my goodness. Yes!" Margie clapped her hands over her mouth, and got a far-off look in her eyes that told Josh she was already thinking about what to wear. 

He laughed softly at her, then responded. "Wonderful. Then you'll be there when I ask her." 

Margie flattened one hand over her heart, and got teary. "Oh, Joshua. Your father would be proud of you, today." 

"Thank you, Mom." 

"You're sure you want me to come? You don't want to take Donna to the Ball?" 

"I'm taking both of you. The two most important women in my life. The two reasons for my success, and the two reasons why I'm still here." 

"Joshua." 

"Don't cry, mom." 

"Make her happy." She sniffled, and with a laugh, Josh rose to enfold her in a hug again. 

"I will." 

"Woo her. Women like wooing," Margie admonished, her words muffled against his arm. 

Josh laughed again, rolling his eyes at what was now a familiar phrase in his life. "So I've been told." 

"Ok. I'll go find the ring." 

"'Kay. Make sure she doesn't see you give it to me…" 

"I'll put it in the inside pocket of your heavy coat. Ok?" 

"Ok. Thank you, mom." 

"I love you, Joshua." 

"I love you too, Mom." Josh gave his mom a squeeze, and then released her so that she could go rummaging in her jewelry box. 

*************** 

While his mother went in search of the ring, Josh wandered back out to the kitchen, to find Donna elbow-deep in suds, while she swayed to the music coming over the airwaves. Josh just stood leaning against the doorway, quietly, and watched her, listened to her hum the melody of the Beatles song just ending. As the next tune began, Josh moved into the kitchen, and came up behind her, nuzzling her neck with his mouth and bringing a smile to her lips. "All packed?" she asked, leaning back into him. 

"Almost," he said, taking the dish she was working on out of her hands, drying her hands and arms with a dish towel, and then turning her around and into his arms. "Dance with me," he said, pulling her close, one arm around her back, one hand clasped in hers and brought up to rest against his heart. She smiled into his chest, overwhelmed and touched by the romantic gesture. And they slowly moved around Margie Lyman's tiny kitchen, with Etta James's haunting voice reminding them both that, at last, their love had finally come along; that their lonely days were over, and that life was like a song. 

And Etta sang on, about blue skies, and hearts wrapped in clover; about finding dreams you can speak to, and thrills that you can press your cheek to. Donna smiled at how appropriate those words seemed to be. 

"I think we found our song," Donna whispered, looking up into Josh's eyes as they circled the tiny room. 

"I think we found us," he whispered back, dipping his head for a kiss. 

As the song wound down, and they finished their dance, Josh bent and whispered in Donna's ear. "Will you come with me and my mom to the Inaugural Ball?" 

She laughed out loud at how funny that question had sounded, and grinned up at him. "Two dates, Joshua? Just one isn't enough?" 

He grinned back. "Nope. I'm just too much man--" 

"Don't say it," she warned, ever sensitive to stemming The Ego. She looked back up at him. "You sure? I don't mind if you just want your mom to be there--" 

"I want the two most important women in my life there with me," he said, echoing his earlier words, and twirling her into a dip. 

Bent over his arm, she grinned up at him. "Then, yes. I'd love to," she said, losing her breath as he pulled her back up without warning, and twirled her into the living room. "She said yes, Mom!" he yelled into the apartment. 

"You are *such* a dork, Joshua," Donna said, laughing at him. 

"Yes, but I'm *your* dork, Donnatella," he said, laughing back. 

"That you are," she murmured. 

Margie came out of her bedroom then, smiling at them, her heart full for both of them. "So, Donna. You tell me what weekend you're free, and I'll come up to Washington…" 

"…for ball gown shopping?" Donna said with a hopeful smile. 

"For *serious* ball gown shopping," Margie said with a laugh. 

"I can't wait," said Donna, going to hug the woman she already loved like a mother. 

*************** 

They said their goodbyes to Margie, who made plans to come up to DC in a few weeks for her dress shopping excursion with Donna. Donna promised to see if CJ was free to come with them as well. Donna pulled Margie tight, whispering "Thank you," with emotion in the older woman's ear. 

Margie pulled back, her hands framing Donna's face. "You make him happy," Margie said, kissing both of Donna's cheeks. "Even if I didn't love you like crazy already, I would love you for that," she said, making Donna laugh and pulling her in for one last hug. 

"We'll see you in a few weeks, Mom," Josh said with mock annoyance. 

"And you," she said, kissing Josh and hugging him. "Be good to her," she whispered in his ear. 

"I will," he said for her ears only, hugging her back. "We'll see you soon. I love you, Mom." 

"I love you too, Joshua. Safe flight, you two!" 

"Bye," Josh and Donna echoed as they walked down the hall, dragging Josh's luggage with them. 

*************** 

Josh Lyman, as it turned out, was a man of many talents. He was managing to carry his suitcase and kiss Donna and work the key-card into the lock of room 317 all at once, and once the door was open, he kissed Donna into the room, dumped the suitcase by the door, threw the card on the credenza and started backing her towards the bed all at once. He crawled on top of her, and was about to start pulling her shirt off, when something occurred to him. "Donna?" 

"Josh?" she replied, yanking his shirt out of his khakis and unbuttoning it from the bottom-up. 

"Why did you ask for room 317?" 

Donna smiled as she got the last button undone, and she worked the sleeves over his arms. "Because," she said, pulling him back down on top of her for a kiss. "When you dated the letter you wrote me, you said it was 3:17am when you started writing it. And when I was done reading it, I looked up and it was 3:17am." She looked up to see him smiling down at her. "I took it as a sign. I got up and called you." 

"Well," he said, dropping his head to kiss her and start working on her own shirt. "Looks like we have a new lucky number." 


	16. Having Faith - MATURE Version 16

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 16  
Nothing Was As It Had Been**

Josh and Donna woke much earlier than either of them wanted to, in order to get themselves to the airport on time. They managed to have the airline clerk get them seats together, and Donna rested her head on Josh's shoulder and slept all the way from Florida to Washington. Josh was content to just hold her hand and inhale the scent of her hair and listen to her steady breathing. There was something so wonderfully endearing about having someone curled up asleep next to you, he thought idly to himself. His heart tripped a little when, as they passed over the Carolinas, Donna stirred and snuggled up closer to him, murmuring a soft "Josh" under her breath and smiling a little as she realized, in her sleep, who she was with. He dropped a kiss on the top of her head and smiled back. 

When they got to National, they had to say their goodbyes. Donna walked Josh to the baggage claim area; she was going to take a cab home to change, and then head right to work, and as soon as all of Josh's luggage emerged, he was going to head home to his apartment. He still had a few days left to his month off, and he was going to use them to get his life in DC back in order. At some point that week, he was going to collect his things from Sam's, and move back home permanently. He could do that, now that the big missing piece of his life was finally in the right place. 

They stood in the chaos of one of the nation's busiest airports, and saw and heard no one but each other. "So," Donna laughed, pulling Josh closer by his coat lapels, "when can I see you again?" she said with a husky purr that made him laugh. 

"Donna, we're going to have to put a moratorium on that voice of yours when we're in public. Because right now I'm wondering just how comfortable we'll be rolling around naked on the baggage carousel." He looked down at her, smiling into her eyes. "Would you be ok with coming over to my place tonight?" he asked softly. 

"Your apartment, or Sam's?" 

"Mine." 

Donna looked up at him, and was truthful in her apprehension. "I think we need to go there sooner or later, so yes. Let's just make some good memories there, ok?" she said, suddenly serious. "No visiting nurses, no bandage changes, no angry words, no blood, no sickness, no yelling. Just good stuff, ok?" 

"Ok," he said, bringing his hands to her face and bringing her in for a long kiss. "Call me and let me know when you're on your way, alright?" 

"'Kay. Is it appropriate to tell the third most powerful man in Washington that I'm in love with him in such a public place?" 

"No. Totally inappropriate." 

"Oh, sure, 'I love you’ is no good, but 'I want you naked on the Luggage Lazy Susan' was ok to say out loud?" she said with a grin and raised eyebrows. 

"Right. Well, hell, since we've blown propriety out the window…" and with that, he pulled her in, and bent her over his arm, for an eye-popping, heart-rending, full-blown, hands-in-the-hair, mouth-working-over-hers-like-you-only-see-in-the-movies kiss. He literally took her breath away. Bystanders started clapping in appreciation. A security guard actually whistled. 

Josh pulled Donna upright, and with his mouth still against hers, and his hands in her hair, murmured "I love you, Donnatella Moss," across her lips. 

"I love you too, Joshua," she said back, grinning like an idiot. "I'll see you tonight." She backed off, her eyes on his, and stumbled a bit, as she still didn't have her footing. 

"You missed a step there…" 

"Don't ruin the moment by being you, Joshua…" she said, laughing. 

"Tonight," she reminded him, turning, and keeping her eyes on him over her shoulder. 

"Tonight," he said, smiling to himself. *Tonight, I'll fix the final piece that's still missing and broken,* he thought, as he turned and headed towards the baggage claim. 

*************** 

As much as she didn't want to admit it, Donna *was* nervous about going back to Josh's apartment. She was afraid she'd feel some sliver of the fear and anger and discomfort that had permeated the very air in that room that night. She was so protective of this…*thing* she and Josh had finally gotten around to, that she wanted to guard it and nurture it and cocoon it away from any and all outside stresses or ill will or bad karma. But, as she had told him earlier that morning, they needed to get over it, and it might as well happen right away. Besides, she was anxious to get Josh naked again, and she had a feeling she'd be much less inhibited without her roommate on the other side of a very thin wall. *My god, he _has_ turned me into a sex addict,* she thought, chuckling to herself as she pulled her car into a spot in front of his building that night after work. 

She pulled her briefcase from the back seat, and amidst the swirling, cold winds of early December, went up to ring his bell. He didn't call down to her through the intercom, but simply buzzed her in. She skipped up the three flights of stairs to his apartment, and knocked on the door. For a full moment, there was silence within. Then, just as she was about to knock again, the door opened. Josh stepped out quickly, kissed her, and drew her into the apartment. In one swift move, he broke off the kiss, and stepped behind her to hold her as she looked around… 

…To see his apartment…transformed. First, by dozens of lit, flickering white candles…fat pillar candles, tall tapered candles, and short votive candles, perched on every flat surface, all along his bookshelves, on the coffee table, on the TV, on the windowsills, on his kitchen table, and lighting a trail along the floor of his hallway to his bedroom, where she could see still more glowing, pulsating lights illuminating the night. And then there were flowers, wherever there weren't candles…roses, roses of every color imaginable…and irises and carnations and freesia and daisies and others she wasn't even sure she could name. There was a trail of rose petals between the candles on the floor also leading the way to Josh's bedroom. His stereo was playing a song that she wasn't familiar with, but she recognized Etta James's haunting voice, and knew for sure that *their* song would be on the CD that was playing, and that she'd hear it that night. 

But perhaps what touched her the most was the fact that Josh had rearranged his living room furniture. She would no longer walk into his apartment and automatically see the couch positioned right in the middle of the room, and thus see Josh with her mind's eye, sitting on it and angrily brooding into a glass of whiskey. He had moved the couch across the room, to the wall beneath the bank of windows that faced out over Georgetown and the lights of the city. He had repositioned the TV to a new spot facing the couch. He moved his recliner to take up some of the space that the couch had formerly occupied. Finally, Josh had moved a tall, slim table to the part of the wall that Donna had backed up against that night. On the table, he had placed an enormous bouquet of white roses, with a red bow, surrounded by short white candles. 

Nothing was as it had been. Everything was new and dazzling and beautiful and different. 

"Joshua." She didn't know what more to say. Tears ran down her face, as he held her from behind, quietly. 

She dropped her briefcase at her feet, turned in his arms, and allowed him to try to wipe her tears away - but they just kept coming. "You've been gathering rosebuds, I see," she finally managed, with a shaky voice full of emotion. 

He laughed softly, looked into her eyes, and simply answered, "Yes. For you." 

Donna reached up with her mouth, and captured Josh's lips with her own. She started walking backwards, still kissing him, and pulling him with her towards his bedroom, over the rose petals and between the flickering candles lined along the hallway. She crossed, backwards, over the threshold of his bedroom, and spun them around, sitting Josh on the edge of the bed. She lifted her head to look around the room. There were more candles - everywhere, and flowers as well. He had laid rose petals out over the comforter on the bed. He sat, and watched her look around the room. Finally, her eyes came back to his, and she took his face in her hands, kissing him with all the love and thanks and passion she felt at that moment. 

"Joshua. I don't know how to thank you for…all of this," she said, once she could speak, motioning with her eyes at the candles and flowers. "But most of all, thank you…for moving the furniture. That was what made me cry," she said softly, cupping his face for another kiss. 

"Oh, great. You mean I could have just skipped the flowers and candles?" he joked, getting a playful swat from Donna in response. "It was my pleasure, Donnatella. I wanted us to have a fresh start here." 

"I'd like that too," she said, quietly, then she frowned, as his words made her realize that something had been nagging at her mind all day. 

He raised his head, sensing the change in her tone. "What, Donna?" 

"Well, I just…." She sighed and dropped her eyes to his chest, worried that she was might be moving faster than he wanted to. "This is so lovely," she said, looking around again and bringing love-filled eyes back to his own. "This is where I want to be. But I'm dreading the thought of going back to my apartment, at some point, and you and all the candles not being there," she said, hoping her little joke would make him laugh. "I used to see you all day long, and now that I have you back, I'm worried about when I'll actually ever *get* to see you," she said, looking down at the bedspread and frowning some more. 

Then he smiled, and pulled her a bit closer, looking at her with big eyes until she brought her own to his. "I know the feeling," he said, kissing her tenderly. "This looks like a good time for you to see the other surprise I have for you." 

"Josh, really, you have outdone yourself with the woo-age here tonight," she said, finally smiling again. "I don't need anything else." 

"I think you'll like this," he said. "Look in my bureau," he said, nodding towards the tall piece of furniture across the room. 

"Which drawer?" 

"All of them." 

Donna gave him a very quizzical look, and very quickly, her curiosity got the better of her. She kicked off her high heels and peeled off her coat, throwing it on the chair in the corner as she crossed the room. 

Donna pulled open the top drawer, stood on tip-toe, and peeked in. The drawer was empty, except for a single, white long-stemmed rose. She smiled, lifted it out, and gave Josh another quizzical look over her shoulder. "Keep going," he said. 

She looked in all the drawers, finding each empty except for a single rose. She kept lifting them out, adding them to her collection. Finally, she opened the bottom drawer, and found not a rose, but a T-Shirt. Now she was really confused. She lay the roses at the foot of the bed, and shook the T-shirt out. Her face lit up with surprise; it was an old T-shirt of hers, a comfy, well-worn one that she used to sleep in…one that she hadn't seen in…years. 

She felt Josh standing behind her, and she turned to him with the shirt in her hands. He draped his hands around her hips, and pulled her close. "You left it here after…when you were here taking care of me after the shooting," he said, smiling at her. "I never gave it back. I…I wanted a piece of you to stay behind. For a while it still smelled like you, so I kept it…close," he said, not really wanting to reveal to Donna that he had carried it around like a security blanket for the better part of a week after she finally stopped sleeping on his couch at night. "I'm hoping that you'll fill the drawers with the rest of your clothes," he said, loving the grin that spread across Donna's face, and feeling his heart leap when she threw her arms around his neck and she buried her face there. "I want you here all the time. How soon can you get out of your lease?" 

He could tell that Donna had finally lost it; she was shaking and crying and sniffling and getting his shoulder very wet, but he didn't care. "Are…(sniff)…are you sure? (sniff sniff)" Donna wailed, making him laugh out loud. 

"Yes," he said, burrowing his face into her hair and kissing the side of her head. "Are *you* sure…I mean, would you want to live here?" he said, with a bit of uncertainty in his voice. He hoped that the flowers and the candles and the rearranging and the unbelievable, mind-blowing sex they had had in Florida had chased the demons away. 

They had. Donna pulled back to give him a watery smile. "Yes, I want to live here, with you," she said. She looked up at him, again. "It's not too soon?" she said, sniffling and still worrying a bit. 

"It's half a decade in the making, Donnatella. Home for me is where you are. I don't want to be without you anymore." 

And Donna dissolved into tears again. Josh rolled his eyes a bit, but secretly loved that she was so happy she had to cry about it. He lifted her up into his arms, and brought her back to what was now their bed, and kissed her tears away. 


	17. Having Faith - MATURE Version 17

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 17  
Thank You's and Throw Pillows**

CJ blearily walked through the bullpen on her way in to work the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. She was in desperate need of her first cup of coffee. She offered a weary hello to Carol, who was already at her desk and working hard. Carol handed her boss a phone message and a fax, and said with a smile, "You got a delivery, CJ. New guy in your life?" 

CJ was completely baffled by Carol's comment, and even more so when she looked into her office and saw the biggest bouquet of brightly-colored flowers she had ever seen in her life, standing smack in the middle of her desk. "No," CJ said, crossing to open the attached card, "but whoever sent these, they're about to become my new best friend." She pulled the card from the envelope, and a smile broke out on her face. She dropped the card and ran to her phone. As she dialed and started shouting into the receiver, Carol picked up the card where CJ had dropped it, and read the words scribbled on it: 

__________ 

CJ - 

Someday, when our kids ask us how we finally got together, Donna and I will look them in the eye, and say, "Well, we have your Aunt CJ to thank for that." 

Thank you for helping me get her back. 

Love, Josh 

__________ 

*************** 

Sam flicked on the lights to his office a short time later, and found a wrapped present on his desk. He ripped the paper open, and discovered a silver-framed picture of Josh and himself that someone had taken the night of the election. They both had their heads thrown back in laughter, and their arms around each other's shoulders. Sam grinned happily at the picture, remembering the joke that Toby had just told them that made them crack up so thoroughly. He fished around in the wrapping paper for the card. 

___________ 

Dear Mother Seaborn - 

Thank you for taking me in, and for helping me learn how to laugh again. 

Alas, all good things must come to an end… 

…I have a new roommate. For life. 

Thank you, Sam. For everything. 

-Josh  
____________ 

Sam let out a happy whoop, grabbed his phone and called CJ's office. Carol answered, and said that yes, CJ was in, but she didn't know if CJ was capable of talking at the moment… 

Sam grinned. *She must have heard from him, too,* he thought happily. Who knew CJ was such a sap when it came to matters of the heart? "I'll be right there," he said to Carol, adding, "I'll bring my Kleenex." 

"Good," Carol said, and hearing another great big sob from inside CJ's office, added, "it looks like we're going to need it." She laughed and hung up. 

*************** 

Leo mumbled a growly "Good Morning" to Margaret as he entered his office. She followed him in a minute later with his mail, and a package. "Josh had a courier send that over this morning," she said. "He called and left me a voicemail, asking that you open it instead of me." 

"Is he back?" Leo said, hopefully. He had missed Josh more than he cared to admit during the last month. Josh always rested a little closer to his heart than he liked to let on. 

"Yup, he said he'd be in on Monday," she answered as she headed back to her desk. 

Leo held the package in his hands a moment, sending up a silent prayer of thanks to whoever might be listening that Josh was back, safe. 

He pulled off the card, and read: 

________ 

Leo - 

I've wondered, over the years, about why my dad died when he did. Now I know. I think he knew it was ok to go, because he knew you and Donna would be there to catch me if I fell into darkness. 

I just wanted you to know… 

I'm done with the darkness, I'm done with falling into that hole. 

She came back, and she gave me a second chance. 

Thank you, Leo, for too many second chances to count. 

I won't let either of you down again. 

\- Josh  
_________ 

Leo got a little misty, and rested his head in his hands. He'd be damned if he'd cry in his office, but he was happy enough to almost give into tears. He returned to the package, tearing it the rest of the way. It was a T-Shirt. Leo pulled it open, and when he read the front, he started laughing so hard, that Margaret came in to make sure he wasn't choking on something. She didn't think she had *ever* seen him laugh like that before. She was starting to worry about him until he held the shirt up for her to see what was written across the front: 

"My Son Went to the Eiffel Tower, and All I Got Was this Lousy T-Shirt." In English and in French. 

*************** 

They spent the rest of that first week of December keeping busy. Donna's roommate was remarkably understanding about Donna wanting to move out. Melissa had spent four years trying to convince Donna to either tell Josh about her feelings or get a new job, so she was very happy at the recent turn of events in Donna's life. They agreed to work together to find Melissa a new roommate as soon as possible. Donna's landlord was being wonderful about letting her go and approving a sub-letter in the future. Donna worked hard at capitolscoop.com during the day, then at night stopped off at her apartment to pack her belongings. Luckily, she had no big pieces of furniture; when she had arrived in Washington, she really had little more than the clothes on her back. The only pieces of furniture that she had bought since were her twin bed and a rickety old bureau she got at a yard sale. She was happy to leave both behind. So it only took her a few hours each night to get the rest of her belongings together, and little by little she moved everything over to Josh's, where she stayed each night. 

Josh had gone over to Sam's on Wednesday to pack up the clothes and personal items he had left during his stay there. Josh was happy to see his recent gift to Sam taking pride of place on the bookshelf in the living room. Josh smiled at the laughter he saw in that picture. He looked up when the phone rang; and checking the caller ID, he could see who was calling. "Yes, Dear?" he said with a smirk as he answered the phone. 

"Hey! I thought you'd be there. All packed?" 

"Yeah. I was on my way out the door." 

"Me too. Have lunch yet?" 

"Nope. Wanna--" 

"Yeah. CJ too. We'll meet you--" 

"Regular place?" 

"Of course. See you in about 20 minutes? We want to hear all about Florida." 

"'Kay," Josh said, smiling at his nosy friend. "I'll see you in a bit. Bye, Sam." 

It was good to be back. 

*************** 

By Saturday, Donna was finally out of her old apartment, and had unpacked and fully moved into Josh's place. They were sitting, exhausted but happy, curled up on his couch and taking in the living room, now dotted here and there with her framed pictures and CD collection and knick-knacks and throw pillows. They had had a very fun debate earlier in the day over the concept of throw pillows. 

"I'm just saying, I don't know any man…ok, well, maybe Sam, but honestly, he's not really a man…who understands the need for throw pillows. They serve no logical purpose in the universe! All they do is take up space where I could be laying down, watching TV and yelling at Republicans!" Josh said, with his hands on his hips as he watched Donna try to find just the right place for a hunter-green pillow on the couch. 

"So, you're saying that the throw pillows will be directly responsible if you, at some point in the near future, find yourself uncomfortable and unable to practice your God-given right to yell at the opposition on TV?" Donna asked, with an amused grin on her face. 

"Absolutely. They're part of the vast right-wing conspiracy against us, aren't they?" 

"Who, the Republicans?" 

"No, the throw pillows! Stay with me here, Donna." 

"Uh, huh. Josh, is it something about the Y-chromosome that makes men totally unable to appreciate aesthetic beauty when they are presented with it?" 

Josh just cocked his head at her. "Donna, are you trying to tell me here that your argument in favor of cluttering our home with throw pillows is that 'they're pretty?'" 

"Yes, and that we need them." 

"See, now here's where we disagree, because I've managed to go an entire lifetime without needing them." 

It was, they thought as they grinned at each other over a sea of green and blue throw pillows, just like old times. In fact, better than old times, because now, they had so much more. 

"Ok," Donna said, arguing now just for the fun of arguing with him. "Compromise. Two throw pillows on the couch, and the rest in a decorative basket next to the couch, 'just in case.'" 

"I can't believe I'm allowing 'decorative baskets' into my life. And what does 'just in case' mean? When in the hell will we have a throw pillow emergency? Seriously, Donna, I fail to see how there will be any moment in my life where I will stand back and say, 'Thank God we had the extra throw pillows.'" 

"Better safe than sorry, Joshua," Donna said with a smirk. She was now on a mission from God to prove the usefulness of throw pillows. 

He saw the gleam in her eye, and sighed, pulling her down onto the throw-pillow-bedecked couch. "There are index cards on the history and utility of the throw pillow in my future, aren't there?" he said with a defeated groan. 

"So, *so* many index cards," she said with a laugh. And with that, she grabbed one of the decorative throw pillows, whacked Josh in the face with it, and thus found her first example of how they could come in handy. 

***************

On Monday morning, his first day back, Josh stood, a bit nervously, near Charlie's desk just outside the Oval Office. Charlie came out, telling Josh that he could go in now. Josh brought a package with him, and was greeted, to his delighted surprise, with a hug from the leader of the free world. "Josh!" President Bartlet exclaimed. "Welcome back! We've missed you around here. How are you? What have you been doing - CJ said you were in Paris?" Jed motioned for them to sit on the couches, opposite one another in the center of the room. 

"Yes, Sir, and then Rome thereafter." 

"Ah, Paris and Rome. Did I ever tell you about the three months I spent backpacking across Europe after graduation from Notre Dame?" 

"No, Sir," Josh said, smiling a bit at how good it was to be back, even if it meant hearing another one of the President's stories. 

"Well, you haven't become a better liar in your time away, Lyman; of course you've heard my boring-ass stories a million times." Jed smiled. "I'll spare you just this once. Now, what can I do for you?" 

Josh smiled, and then looked down at his hands. He had placed the box that he brought with him on the couch next to him. "Mr. President, I don't really know where to begin," he said. 

"Oh, well, you know just try to find the beginning, and start there," Jed said with a twinkle in his eye. "And time's a'wastin', you know, there could be a national disaster or crisis or a war I need to start in the next few minutes, so let's have at it." 

Josh laughed. "Ok. Well, Sir, I wanted to try to explain a bit about why…why I needed the month off, and why Donna left, and what's in this box here." 

"Oooookaaaaaay," Jed said, clearly amused and confused. Leo had filled him in with sketchy details when he told the President that Josh would be gone for a month, but he had a feeling he was about to hear the whole story straight from the horse's mouth. 

"It'll all make sense in the end," Josh said. Sighing, he started in on the story. He told Jed pretty much what he had told Leo back in August. About the week of the anniversary. About the Republican Congressmen. About Donna's job offer. At that point, Jed cut in. 

"I bet the thought of Donna leaving you just about put you over the edge," he said, smiling a bit. 

"Yes, Sir. That is exactly what put me over the edge. You see, Mr. President--" 

"You've been in love with her ever since the first campaign." 

"--I've been in love…hey! How'd you--" 

"Joshua. Even before I figured out what your names were, I knew, from watching the two of you, that at some point down the line you'd be coming to talk to me or Leo about how you felt about her. I'm amazed you held out for this long." 

"Sir?" 

"I had a long talk with your mother while you were in the hospital, Josh. We sat, and we watched Donna go sleepless, and not eat, worrying about you; we watched when you woke up and asked for Donna almost immediately. I joked with your mom, and asked whether we should book the Rose Garden for the ceremony. She said no, that you weren't ready to open your heart up yet, and she asked me to let you figure it out on your own. She thought it'd scare you too much if you didn't come to it yourself." 

"She was right," Josh said, "although, in retrospect, honestly, a hint would have been nice…" 

Jed laughed. "Josh. Tell me the rest of your story." 

"Ok. Well, Sir, back in August…I still hadn't figured it out yet. So, the third night of the Republican Convention, well, I got very, very, *very* drunk." Josh proceeded, with pain in his eyes and voice, to tell the President about how horribly he treated Donna that night when she came over to check on him. "I hurt her, and I scared her, and it was only when she slapped me, quit her job, and walked out my door and out of my life, that I finally figured it out." 

"Good timing, there, Josh." 

"Don't I know it, Sir," Josh said, able to laugh a little now. 

"What happened next?" 

"Well, by leaving, she saved my life again, because then I knew I was out of control. I stopped drinking that night, and I've been in therapy ever since. I now consider myself a lifetime member of PTSD-Anonymous. You know, if there was such a thing." 

Jed nodded, and Josh continued. 

"Anyway, I called CJ and Sam, and they came over and…saved me a little bit more. They made sure I knew what a complete jackass I had been, for starters. They're very good at that," he said with a rueful smile. "Sam made me go home with him that night, and I lived there until the election." 

"It's a wonder you didn't kill each other," the President said, with an empathetic laugh. 

"You don't know the half of it, Mr. President." Josh rolled his eyes. "Anyway. I got…better, I guess. Less angry. I was still heartbroken, though. I wrote Donna a letter, telling her how sorry I was, and on the day of the election, Donna took the letter from CJ. I had promised Leo that once the election was over, I'd go 'find myself' for a month, so I had Sam bring me to the airport after your victory speech that night. I needed to…just get going, try to move on. Knowing she finally had the letter, I just had to get the hell out of Dodge, and try to figure out what my life would be like without her in it." 

"And?" Jed prompted. 

"She read the letter. And because she's the most…unbelievable, extraordinary woman in the world, she forgave me, and gave me a second chance. She figured out where I'd be on Thanksgiving - Florida, with my mom - and she came down and surprised me there. And we've been together ever since." 

"Together?" Jed raised one eyebrow in a suggestive manner. 

"Yes, together," Josh said, laughing. He found it extremely odd to be hinting around about his sex life with the President of the United States in the Oval Office. Mrs. Landingham would have had both their asses if she was still alive. "She moved into my apartment this past week. First step in my secret master plan." 

"Ah. Like your secret plan…" 

"*So not* like my secret plan to fight inflation. This is, to the contrary, a fully-formed, well-thought-out, many-years-in-the-making plan to make Donnatella Moss happy and keep her with me for the rest of her life." 

"Joshua." The President was beaming at him. "I'm very happy for you, for you both. Are *you* happy?" 

"Yes, Sir, finally." 

"Is she happy?" 

"Yes, Sir. I think so, Sir." 

"Then that's all we can really ask for, huh?" 

*************** 

Josh smiled at the President. "There's a couple more things I wanted to say, Mr. President, then I'll let you get back to…whatever it is that you do around here," Josh said with a smirk and a sarcastic glance around the room. 

"Right. The secret canasta game I've got going in the back room…Ooops! Did I let that out? Damn, now I'm going to have to have you eliminated, Lyman. Get the secret service in here." 

"Sir, have you been watching Charlie's Bond movies again?" 

"Yeah, you weren't here to cause any trouble," the President joked, "so it's been a slow month. Anyway. What else did you want to tell me? And when do I get to open the gift you have there next to you?" Jed said, comically peering around Josh's side to get a better view of the box. 

"In a minute, Sir. The first thing, is that I just wanted you to know, really know why Donna left the White House for that other job, and that was because of how horrible I was to her. I left her no other choice, really. She's…she hasn't come right out and said anything, but from little things she has hinted at, I know that it's really eating at her that she didn't get the chance to see it all the way through with us. She feels like she deserted us, and you, and I don't really know how to make that go away for her, how to make that better. She's forgiven me, but I don't think she's really forgiven herself, for leaving, not that it was in any way her fault…" Josh let out a deep sigh before continuing, "Do you know what I'm trying to say here, Sir?" 

"I think I do, Josh. You leave this to me. Is Donna coming with you to the Ball?" 

"Yes, as is my mom." 

"Two dates, Joshua?" 

"Yeah….I guess my 'I'm too much man for one date' line won't really impress you that much, will it?" 

"Has it worked on anyone?" 

"Not really." 

"Right, then. Well, Casanova," Jed said, rolling his eyes, "like I said, you leave that bit of worrying to me. I'm glad I know now why Donna left, but I never doubted her allegiance to me, or you, for that matter. I'll make sure I have a few words with her at the Ball." 

"Thank you, Sir. And that brings me to the gift." 

"Ah, excellent. Give it here." 

"Sir, that's really not very Presidential of you; 'Give it here,' I mean, you know, 'May I have my gift, Deputy Lyman,' now that has a real statesman-like quality to it that--" 

"Josh. Fork over the damn box." 

"Yes, Sir." 

Josh handed the present to Jed, who peeled the wrapping paper off, and lifted the lid. Inside, there was something very small, wrapped in tissue paper. "Open that second, if you would," Josh said, softly. 

"Alright." Jed lifted the smaller gift out, and placed it next to him. At that moment, Abby came into the Oval Office, and Josh rose to greet her. She gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and had him sit. "What's this?" she said, sitting on the arm of Jed's sofa next to him. 

"Gifts from the world traveler, here," Jed said, as he peeled the tissue paper back on the main gift, his eyes lifting in surprise. He reached in, and pulled out a beautiful, old leather-bound Bible, written and printed in Italian. 

Josh started to explain. "Sir, remember that trip we took that Christmas to the rare book shop here in town?" 

"Yes; I remember, in particular, having to drag you there kicking and screaming." 

Josh grinned a bit, and said, "Well, Sir, you'll be happy to know, you've converted me. I really enjoy poking around in them, now. You never know what treasures you'll find. Like this. I found this bible in a great hole-in-the-wall shop in Rome. It was printed in the late 19th century, and it looks like it belonged to a little girl, from the inscription. The man in the store told me that it says--" 

"--For Little Magdalena…May your faith grow ever stronger," murmured Bartlet, reading and translating the inscription on his own. 

"Yes, Sir. Sir, I visited Vatican City the next day, and stopped in to see Ambassador Leahy, and well, to make a long story short, I kinda asked him for a big favor, and when I said it was for you, well, he jumped right on it. I hope you're not angry that I used your name to get this done." 

"Well, it depends on what you did, of course. Did you strike up a new trade agreement with the Vatican or something? Two Bishops and a Deacon for a Cardinal to be named later?" 

Josh laughed. "No, Sir, I, well…I asked the Ambassador to have the Pope bless the bible for you and Mrs. Bartlet, Sir. The Pope did so, happily, and said that he'd keep you in his prayers, for continued good health, strength and wisdom." 

There was a deep, deep silence in the room as the President and First Lady took this in. Jed just stared at Josh, open-mouthed, and didn't know what to say, except a very soft, "Josh." He was stunned. 

"Sir, Ma'am," Josh said again, worried that he might break down at this point. "You had faith in me. Way back during the first campaign. You didn't know me at all, and you decided to have faith in me. And with every bump along the way, you didn't give up on me. I…I just have a new appreciation for the miracle that is faith, these days. I wanted to thank you both for all that you've done for me, and most especially, putting me in a position to have Donna come into my life. I can never begin to thank you for all the gifts you've given me. I hope this, in some small way, begins to show you my gratitude." And Josh couldn't go on, so he hoped that what he had said was enough. 

And this Catholic president, whose own faith had been so sorely tested, understood, and accepted, this most extraordinary gift from his Jewish Deputy Chief of Staff. "I can't…I am so moved, Josh, that you would think to do this for us. Thank you, for having faith in me, too," he said, moving his hand reverently over the cover of the bible. 

"What's in the other package?" Abby asked, quietly. 

Jed, very touched, now opened the smaller, softer package in tissue paper. He pulled out a faded, impossibly soft navy blue yarmulke with cream-colored embroidered designs on it. "That was my father's," Josh said softly. "I'd like to ask a favor of you. I'm going to ask Donna to marry me at the Ball," he said, drawing a happy gasp from the First Lady, and a paternal smile from Jed, "and when we get married, I'd like you both to be there, and Sir, I'd like to ask that you wear my father's yarmulke." 

Abby launched herself off of the couch at Josh, pulling him up to give him a huge hug and kiss on his cheek. Jed stood up, and held out his arms, so that he could hug Josh himself. "It would be," he said with a sniffle, "one of the great honors of my life, son," he said, emotion straining his voice. 

Abby was trying desperately to stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks, but with very little success, and so said with a laugh, "Oh, the hell with it. I'll reapply the makeup. Josh, how…when…you and Donna? I mean, we all knew it would happen sooner or later…" 

Josh just laughed. "I'll let the President fill you in on the story. I don't think I can tell it again." 

The President had moved behind his desk while they were talking. "Jed?" Abby asked. "What are you doing?" 

"Dialing for an outside line," he answered. "Josh! What's your mother's phone number?" 

Puzzled, Josh rambled the number off the top of his head, and the President punched the numbers into his phone. "May I ask why, Sir?" 

"Because now we can finally start planning that ceremony," he said with a gleam in his eye. 

*************** 

It was great to be back. Josh's office was a complete disaster area; it took him all day to find the top of his desk, and he still wasn't entirely sure what the name of his current temporary assistant was. Laura? Laurie? Lainie? Lani? Something with an "L." He'd need to find a permanent assistant at some point; now that he had Donna back in his life in other ways, he didn't think he'd dread that assignment as much as he had before the election. Replacing Donna then meant that she'd really, truly be gone forever. Now, he could face breaking in a new assistant. God help them. 

Even though it took him an entire day to just get reestablished, he was happy to be back, and was rarin' to go. It was good to see the old Josh Lyman, Toby thought with a bemused smile. Standing in Josh's doorway, he watched Josh search in vain for one folder or another. 

"Hey." 

"Toby! Hey." 

"Lose something?" 

"Aside from my mind?... Ooh, bad joke. Yeah, I can't find…oh! Here it is. Ha! Disorganized, my ass." 

"Right. It's important that you believe that, anyway," Toby said in his typically sarcastic way. 

"Well, I see that you're just as funny as ever. What's up?" 

Toby just shifted back and forth on his feet for a moment, then gave Josh, what for Toby, passed as a grin. Not much more than a smile, but really, for this man, it spoke volumes. 

"Nothing. It's good to have you back, Josh. We missed you." 

"Well, gosh, Toby. I'm getting all misty, here." 

"Yeah, well, don't let it get around that I was sentimental. I have a rep to protect." 

"Your secret's safe with me. Hey. Are you busy this Saturday?" 

"Aside from running the last remaining Superpower on Earth? Not that I'm aware of." 

"'Kay. My mom's coming into town. She wants to cook all her favorite people dinner. You free?" 

"For your mother? I can be free." 

"Good. Hey, Toby, one more thing." 

"Yeah, Josh." 

"Um, can you shut the door?" Josh asked, looking a bit sheepish. 

"O-kayyy," Toby said, a bit unsure of what was going on. He closed the door, then leaned back against it and waited. 

Josh sighed, and ran his hand through his hair, resting it on the back of his neck as he tried to think of how to say what he wanted to say. 

Josh took a few seconds to think about about the man before him. He hadn't called Toby on that horrible night back in August, when Josh had been at such a low point. In retrospect, Josh thought that it was because he knew that Toby would probably have reacted most harshly to all of the various ways that Josh had screwed up to that point. It had been hard enough to hear Sam's disappointment and CJ's barely controlled anger at the lies he had told and at the way he had treated Donna. 

But not calling Toby that night didn't mean that Josh didn't consider Toby one of the most important people in his life. That couldn't have been further from the truth. Toby's opinion of Josh mattered a great deal. Josh wasn't sure what CJ and Sam might have told Toby about his reasons for taking off, or for Donna leaving, but he trusted them to tell Toby what he needed to hear. With those thoughts swirling through his head, Josh turned his attention back to Toby, who was still peering at Josh with confused and bemused eyes. 

Josh started to speak, and then stopped, as he tried to come up with the right words. There was a reason he did this with letters and cards for the others. He tried again. "Toby, I…I brought some gifts back, from my time off, for folks…the President, Leo. CJ got the most expensive flowers on God's green earth, and Sam, a picture of the two of us taken election night. I…I looked for something for you, but nothing that I saw seemed just right…and I've been coming to some interesting conclusions about my life over the past couple weeks, and thinking about what people mean to me, and…." Josh sighed. 

Toby tried to lighten the mood, and cut through to a point. "You're not going to tell me you're in love with me, are you Josh? I don't really think I could handle that today." 

"Believe me when I tell you, you're so safe from anything like that," Josh said, rolling his eyes. "I've just…I've been thinking a lot about faith, lately." 

Toby nodded, and continued to listen. 

"And I'm appreciating the people in my life who, for reasons still not quite clear to me, continue to have faith in me even when I really, really don't deserve it. You're one of those people, Toby. So, I thought about how I could thank you, for that." 

Josh looked up, at that point. "I'm going to ask Donna to marry me." 

Toby gave his enigmatic smile again. "So I've heard. Congratulations." 

"Thanks. It will be a miracle if I can keep this a secret from her, as I've done nothing but blab about it to anyone who'll listen over the last week or so. Anyway. Here's the thing…someday, we're gonna have kids." 

"May God have mercy on us all." 

"You know, we were having a moment, here…." 

Toby smiled again, folded his arms across his chest, and waited. 

"Where were we?" 

"You were repopulating the earth with little Lymans." 

"Right. Anyway, someday, I'm going to have kids. And, you know, statistically speaking, I've got a good chance of one of them being a son. When we…well, you've been to a bris, right, Toby?" 

Toby was trying very hard not to laugh at how uncomfortable Josh immediately got at the mention of the ritual circumcision that all Jewish baby boys underwent. "Yes, I'm familiar with the ceremony." 

"'Kay. Well, there's usually the Sandek…the person who holds the baby in his lap?" 

Toby nodded, becoming much more serious now. It was a great honor to be asked to be the Sandek; it was usually a role performed by a grandfather, someone who would be responsible for the child's religious upbringing, like a godparent. 

Josh could see from the somber look on Toby's face, his friend finally knew where Josh was going with this. "Look, Toby, I haven't even talked about kids and religion and whatnot with Donna; she was raised Protestant, I imagine we'll raise 'em with a mix of our religious traditions and do the best we can with it. But what I'm saying here, is, I appreciate your faith in me. I respect your faith in our religion. My dad's not here any longer. I just want you to know that someday, I'm going to ask you to be the Sandek for my sons, and to be a person of faith for all of my children to look to, when they need a little faith, or need someone to have faith in them. Just like I have. I…I just wanted to thank you, Toby. For everything. I'm grateful to have you in my life." 

Josh brought his eyes up to Toby, who had straightened and brought one hand up to his heart in an unconscious gesture that spoke volumes about how Josh's words had touched him. He stood, for long moments, with his head bowed, and then he raised it to look his friend in the eye. "I'm honored," Toby said gruffly. "And when that day comes, and you ask me to be there for your and Donna's children, I will accept," he said solemnly. 

"Thank you, Toby." Josh said, just as soberly. 

"I'm thankful that we have you back, Josh," Toby said, and Josh knew that he meant that in every sense of the phrase. Mentally, spiritually, and physically. Toby stood for another long moment, tilted his head, and considered how to say what he wanted to say next. "You know…you're a lot easier to have faith in than you give yourself credit for," he said, his eyes serious, as he turned to leave. 

And, because he was Toby, as he opened the door, he looked back over his shoulder, and said, "Mazel tov on finally getting it right with Donna. Now get the hell back to work." 

Josh grinned, then laughed, and then went back to searching through the precarious piles of files on his desk. 


	18. Having Faith - MATURE Version 18

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 18  
Listening To the Snow**

The first few weeks of December went by in a happy blur. Josh and Donna spent the time getting into a rhythm in their new home together. She cooked on odd-numbered nights, and he ordered take-out for them on the even ones. She surprised him with a beautiful hand-crafted silver menorah on the first night of Hanukkah, and they lit the candles together each of the eight nights. He surprised her with a Christmas tree one Friday night when she came trudging home from a really bad day, and they spent all of the next day looking for just the right ornaments and lights and tinsel. Donna even found, for reasons beyond understanding, dreidel and menorah ornaments that she insisted on adding to the tree in the spirit of their shared religions. Josh shook his head as he hung them on the green branches, thinking that Toby would have a heart attack if he could see this. 

Donna spent all of one glorious Saturday afternoon shopping in DC with Margie for a dress for the ball. CJ tagged along, even though she already had a dress picked out. CJ never missed an opportunity for shopping with the girls. 

Margie lucked out early, and found a chocolate brown dress with long sleeves and dark shiny beads across the bodice that she loved. Donna had had no such luck in any of the stores they visited, but that was perhaps because she had fallen in love with the first dress she saw that morning, at a boutique in Georgetown. It was an ice-blue dress, strapless, with a full skirt. When she tried it on, she felt like…well, dammit, it was cheezy, but she felt like a princess. She felt beautiful. She was shocked when she saw the price tag, however, and reluctantly took the dress off and hung it back on the rack. *Not in this lifetime,* Donna thought to herself. You could feed a small nation for a month on what they wanted for that dress. 

She was a bit frustrated by the end of the day, but Margie reassured her that they could try again the next morning, before Margie's flight left that evening. They all headed back to Josh and Donna's place (it gave her such a thrill to think of it as such) for the dinner Margie was cooking for them, Sam and Toby. Josh was hoping Toby wouldn't look too closely at the Christmas tree. Josh met the ladies at the door when they returned from their day of shopping, and met his mom's eyes over Donna's frustrated face. "Hey. How'd it go?" 

"Terribly," Donna said, pouting a bit. "It's a good thing you decided to cover your bets and ask the two of us to go with you, Josh, because if my bad luck continues, this Donnatella-Cinderella ain't going to the ball." 

He gave her a kiss on the head, and, putting on his best Scarlet O'Hara southern accent, drawled, "Well, tomorrah's anothah shoppin' day…." He grinned at his mom, and then said, "Hey, Donna, by the way, you got a delivery earlier. It's in the bedroom. Mom, you might want to go help her unwrap it." 

Donna gave Josh a very quizzical look, and wandered down the hall to their bedroom. The closet door was open, and on it, was hanging a garment bag with the name of the first store they visited that morning stamped across the front. Margie sat on the bed with a smile on her face. Donna ran over and unzipped the bag, peeled it back, and discovered…her dress in there, the ice-blue one that she couldn't afford. Donna turned back to Margie, eyes wide. 

"You looked too beautiful in it not to have it," Margie said, smiling. 

"Margie! I can't…there's no…I can't…." 

"You can. This is my thank-you, for coming to Florida and making him smile again." 

"Margie, oh my goodness, I really can't…" 

"Yes, you really can. Please. You're like a daughter to me…someday, I know you'll both make it official. Let me do this for you, for my daughter." 

Donna looked back at the dress, and then launched herself across the room and into Margie's arms. "When did you do this?" she sniffled into Margie's neck. 

"At lunch, when I went to the ladies' room, I used CJ's cell phone," Margie said, laughing and rubbing Donna's back. "I figured I could always cancel the order if you found something you liked better later on," she said, laughing. "By the way, I told Joshua that he was in big trouble if he looked in the bag, so I think it's still a surprise." 

"Thank you," Donna said, kissing Margie's cheek and giving her another huge hug, and she added, on a whisper, "Mom." 

They heard a loud sob from the doorway. They looked over, and saw CJ holding a Kleenex to her eyes under her glasses. Margie and Donna, laughing, beckoned her over to join in a very teary group hug. 

*************** 

Soon, it was Christmas Eve. The West Wing's senior staff had hoped to be able to sneak out early, in order to enjoy some Christmas cheer at CJ's, but someone called in a bomb threat at 5:45pm, and the White House went into a lock-down, trapping the Senior Staff in the Wing. They made the best of it, raiding everyone's fridges and desks for hidden stashes of liquor and food, but Josh was anxious to get home to Donna. At 10:00pm, they finally got the all-clear to head out, and at that point, everyone was ready to head for their own homes. Josh trudged through the good half-foot of snow that had fallen, and watched as the storm continued to swirl around him. They were supposed to have over a foot of snow by morning, giving the Washington DC area its first white Christmas in many years. Josh carefully navigated the deserted streets in his car, and made it home safely. 

He had to park a few blocks away; apparently everyone else in his neighborhood was smart and had left for home early, taking all the available parking spaces in the process. By the time he made it up the three flights of stairs to his apartment, he was soaked. 

He unlocked the door, and saw the apartment flickering with candlelight, making him smile. They had left the candles that he had bought for their first night in the apartment in place, and Donna loved to turn off the electricity at night and, as she put it, "party like it's 1799." They'd watch TV or movies, talk, snuggle, or make love in the glowing light. 

He found Donna wrapped in a huge crocheted blanket, lying curled up and dozing on the couch. His heart did the little leap that it always did when he saw her at the end of the day. He pulled off his coat and hung it, heeled off his shoes, and dropped his backpack by the door. He tip-toed in soggy socks across the room to her, and knelt down next to her, as quietly as he could. He started lightly kissing her face, nose, cheeks, eyelids, forehead, then lips, whispering her name and running his fingers down the long side of her neck at the same time. 

"Hi," Donna said in a sleepy whisper and with heavy eyelids. "You're home." 

"Yup. Bomb scare was a false alarm," he whispered back, nudging her lips apart with his own and sweetly kissing her, bringing just the very tip of his tongue into contact with her own. 

"Always is. You're all wet," she said, her eyes still not open; she had brought her hands up to Josh's hair, and managed to knock the rapidly-drying snow from his head onto her face. 

Josh laughed softly. "Now you are, too. Come on, Donnatella, let's go to bed. The sooner we go to sleep…" 

Donna laughed, now. "…the sooner you can open your presents in the morning?" she teased. 

"Oh, you know me so well," he said, cupping her face with his hands and giving her one last kiss before he stood back up. "I'm going to go brush my teeth and get out of these clothes. I'll meet you in bed," he said, loving how irresistibly adorable she was when she was soft and fuzzy and still half-dreaming. 

"'Kay," she said, sleepily sitting up with the afghan still pulled tightly around her. 

Josh went into the bathroom for a few minutes, taking the opportunity to pull off his wet clothes, especially his soaking-wet socks, towel himself dry, and then throw on his robe. He brushed his teeth, and came back out into the living room. 

Donna was standing, still wrapped in the blanket, by the windows in his living room that looked down and out over the twinkly skyline of Washington, D.C. Josh came up from behind her and wrapped his arms around her midsection and buried his face in her hair. "What'cha doin'?" Josh asked, lazily moving his lips over her neck and ear. 

"Mmmmm. Listening to the snow," she yawned. 

Josh chuckled into her ear. "Are you still asleep, Donnatella? You said you were *listening* to the snow." 

"That's what I meant to say," she answered, feeling tingles all over her skin at the sound of Josh's laughter rumbling in her ear. "Haven't you ever listened to the snow falling?" 

"Must be a Wisconsin thing," he said, running his hands over her and the front of the blanket. 

"Here," she said, and she leaned forward to pull the window open. She straightened up, and dropped one end of the afghan. "Wrap us both up in the blanket, and come here and listen to the snow." 

Josh grabbed the loose end and wrapped them both up tight, protecting them from the cold air pushing in through the open window. He "listened" for a minute, but really had no idea what Donna was talking about. "What am I--" 

"Shhhhhh," Donna said, turning her head back into his ear as she shushed him, sending waves of shimmering tremors down the side of his body. "Listen." 

He really wanted to. Honestly, he did. But he was more interested in the incredibly soft, dark green velvet chemise that Donna had on underneath that blanket. He held the afghan together in front of them with one hand, and dropped the other hand, under the blanket, to play with the straps and run his hand over her shoulders. He began kissing a trail up the side of her neck at the same time. 

"Josh," she said, in a low voice. "I don't think you're listening to the snow." 

"Shhh," he teased, tugging on one of her shoulders to get her to turn around to face him, beneath the blanket. "I'm multi-tasking," he said as he bent to capture her lips with his own. He felt her arms come around his waist, and they held each other up, wrapped together in a blanket in the light of a snowy moon. 

"Ok. I think we should listen to the snow later," she said with a smile, as she pulled out of the blanket, reached behind her to close the window, and gave Josh his first glimpse of her in the nightie she had picked out for him. She turned back and, loving the look in his eyes, smiled and then led a blanket-covered Josh by the hand to their bedroom. 

*************** 

Before they drifted off to sleep, with Josh spooned behind Donna and one hand wrapped lovingly around her waist, he murmured, "That was…amazing." His 760 verbal skills always seemed to fail him in the afterglow of making love to Donna, and words like "amazing" were all he seemed to be capable of coming up with at that moment. "And thank you for wearing that velvet nightie." 

She smiled, and snuggled back into him. "Merry Christmas, Joshua." 

He grinned into her hair. "Santa make an early stop at Victoria's Secret?" 

"Yup. And he figured you'd enjoy the gift that keeps on giving. Lingerie." 

He laughed, pulling her tighter against him. He captured her earlobe with his mouth, pulling on it a bit, then dropping kisses behind her ear and murmuring his love for her at the same time. 

Just before she fell off to sleep, Donna remembered something. 

"Josh?" 

"Mmm-hmm?" 

"Can you hear the snow falling, now?" she asked in a yawning voice. 

He was quiet for long moments, absent-mindedly stroking her arm as he concentrated his sleepy mind on the sounds from the outside world. Everything sounded muted, like the blanket of snow had dulled the usual barbed edges of the city, making everything a little quieter, a little less sharp and shrill. And as he stilled his mind some more, he imagined himself standing outside, with the snow coming down all around him from the opaque, stormy-orange night sky, and he listened for the sound of the snow swirling silently down to the cold-covered earth. 

"I think I can hear it, Donnatella." 

"What does it sound like, for you?" 

"Like…closing time, at the most quiet, deserted section of the Louvre. Silent and dark and still and alive all at once." 

Donna smiled again, and dropped a kiss on the inside of Josh's arm. "Joshua. That was beautiful." 

"*You're* beautiful," he said, kissing the side of her head. "What does it sound like for you?" 

Donna was quiet for another long moment, and then whispered her response, so that her words would mix with the sound of the snow. "Like…like when you run your finger around the rim of a wine glass, and you finally make it hit that one perfect note…and then you let go, and the note carries on the vibrating air for a moment or two…snow falling sounds like a billion of those suspended notes playing, silently, all together, at once." 

And Josh listened, and listened, and then finally, as he drifted off, he unconsciously tuned his mind to the note of the storm outside. His last conscious thought, before falling asleep with Donna in his arms, was that only Donnatella Moss would think to listen to the snow, and that only Donnatella Moss would be able to make him hear it, too. 


	19. Having Faith - MATURE Version 19

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 19  
Ramifications**

Christmas and New Year's came and went, and Josh endured a long, lonely week without Donna, as she took the days between the two holidays off and went home to Wisconsin to visit her family. But they burned up the email and phone lines during her absence, and on one memorable occasion, enjoyed a very steamy bout of phone sex that left Josh desperate for her to get home so he could touch her. That particular phone call also caused Donna's mother to knock on her daughter's bedroom door to make sure she was ok. Mrs. Moss thought she heard Donna moaning, and figured it was something that Donna ate for dinner that wasn't agreeing with her. Donna quickly assured her mom, through the closed bedroom door, that she was fine, and just wanted to get some sleep, causing her to return to her cell phone, giggling to Josh about almost being caught by her mom. It was just too funny. 

On January 2nd, Donna flew home on the red-eye from Madison, intending to grab a cab and head straight to work. She hurried off the plane, yawning and rubbing her eyes, and headed through the terminal. As she rode the escalator down to the baggage claim area, she saw a familiar pair of shoes below her, waiting at the end of the escalator. She began smiling as she got nearer, seeing a suit and coat she knew very well, then hands waiting on hips that she could already feel on her face and in her hair, then a tie that she had recently bought, covering the torso she could draw from memory, then the face of the man she loved. Josh caught sight of her, and his face and dimples lit up with a smile that took her breath away. She ran down the rest of the moving steps, and launched herself at him, not even caring that they were completely in the way of everyone else getting off the escalator. Josh finally walked her to the side so that everyone could pass, kissing her all the while, then wrapping his arms around her and giving her an enormous, bone-crushing hug. "Hi," he said, with a laugh, as she wrapped her arms around him. 

"What are you doing here," she said in a happy voice that told him that she was thrilled that he was. 

"I missed you," he said on a whisper, devouring her mouth once again. 

"Yay," she said, happily, as she pulled away and started pulling him towards the baggage area. "I missed you too," she said. "And I'm really unhappy that we both have to go to work right now." 

"Yeah," Josh said, holding her hand and scanning the revolving carousel for her bags. "I just couldn't go all day, knowing you were back in town and not seeing you. Hope that's ok," he said, running his thumb over her knuckles. He hadn't slept all night; he was so happy that she would finally be home the next morning. 

"Joshua. It's more than ok," she said with a smile. "You made my day." She hadn't slept much, either. 

It was good to be home. 

Unfortunately, her good mood would be short-lived. 

*************** 

They shared a cab in, making out in the backseat all the way from the airport. They had the driver drop Donna off first, and she dropped one last kiss on Josh's lips, and whispered a very low "see you tonight," wagging her eyebrows at him, making him groan and then laugh. He then had the driver head on to the White House. 

Donna floated happily into her office, even as she struggled with her luggage. She dumped it all along the back wall of her office, pulled off her coat and hung it, flicked on her computer, and looked dreamily out the window behind her for a moment or two. 

"Donna?" 

Donna twirled happily in her desk chair, and greeted her boss with a blinding smile. 

"Casey! Happy New Year! How are you?" 

Casey had a…well, a weird look on his face. That was the best way Donna could describe it. 

"I'm fine, thanks. Do you have a minute to talk?" 

"Sure. Can I just grab a cup of coffee? I came in on the red-eye from Wisconsin." 

"Sure. Come into my office when you're ready." 

"Ok." Donna was starting to get a gnawing feeling in her stomach, but she tried to push it aside and stay calm. She went over to the kitchenette, poured herself a cup of coffee, and then headed down the hallway to Casey's office. She knocked on his door jamb, and he waved her in. She took a seat opposite him. 

"What's up, Casey?" 

Her boss looked extremely uncomfortable. "Donna, I don't quite know how to ask you what I need to ask you, this is really…jeez. Ok, here goes. I heard a rumor that you're living with Josh." 

Donna hunched her eyes together. "Yes, I am," she said, with a quizzical look on her face that said, "Why do you care," "What the hell business is it of yours," "How did you hear that," and "Why do I feel like I'm about to get in trouble for this" all at once. 

Casey read all those questions as they washed over her face, and became even more uncomfortable. "Donna, look, normally, your personal life is none of my business, but I'm worried that your…relationship with Josh might have…ramifications." 

"Ramifications?" 

"Yes." 

"What sort of ramifications, Casey?" she said with a bite to her voice. Now Donna was just mad. 

"Donna, please. You're my friend, but I have a responsibility to this company--" 

"Casey, in all sincerity, I fail to see how my being with Josh--" 

"Donna. You really don't see what a big deal this could be?" 

"No. Why don't you spell it out for me," she said, with a look in her eye like she was ready to go to war. 

Casey sighed, brought his hands up in a helpless gesture, then let them fall back into his lap. "Donna, he was your boss when you worked at the White House. You really don't think this won't turn into a big thing when the press picks it up?" 

"Why on earth would the press care…" and Donna's voice trailed off. Of course the press would care. On a slow news day, a fabricated sex scandal would sell newspapers. "Casey, we didn't start dating until Thanksgiving. I had been out of the White House for a few months at that point. Nothing ever happened between us while I was working for him." 

"Donna, I believe you, because you're my friend, and I know how miserable you were when you first started working here. Now that I know the reason, it's clear to see why you've been so much happier since you got back after Thanksgiving. But…you don't think the press will actually believe you, do you? That it started after and that it's not why you left the White House?" 

"Casey," Donna said impatient and nervous and angry all at once. "Are you bringing this to my attention because you're my friend, or because you're my boss?" 

Casey had to be honest. "A little bit of both, but unfortunately the boss side of me is the part that's most worried right now. I'm worried about what a flood of negative press will do to you, and whether it will affect your ability to do your job--" 

"Casey! Have I *ever* given you a reason to doubt my ability to get my job done?" 

"No, Donna, in fact, I think we've been as successful as we have been *because* of you…I'm just…it's just…" 

"What, Casey?" 

"It'll be a nightmare, Donna, and I don't know how anyone could live their life and get their work done in that sort of environment. Plus…I'm afraid that if your relationship with Josh goes public, and in the way I think it will, that it will reflect poorly on capitolscoop.com." 

"What? How?" 

"Donna, look, I'll be honest with you, I'm worried what people will say about our Issues Director, who is supposed to present a neutral, detached look at issues and policies on both sides of the aisle…" 

"Yes?" 

"…dating a senior policy maker for one of the parties." 

"Casey. You can't be serious." 

"Donna, I'm just trying to cover all the possible lines of attack, here." 

"Casey, *you* hired *me* away from the Democratic *Bartlet* administration! You weren't concerned, then, that my affiliation with them, my loyalty to Bartlet, might get in the way of my ability to be objective?" 

"Well, I had faith in you to do a good job…" 

"And you don't anymore?" 

"Donna," Casey said, pleading in his voice, "I do. I'm just trying to do my best here, for you as a friend, and as someone responsible for this company. I'm just worried." 

Donna sat back, beyond frustrated, and crossed her arms in front of her. Suddenly a new thought occurred to her. "Casey, are you firing me?" 

*************** 

"Donna, no, of course not!" 

"Then, what? What do you want from me, here?" 

"I just…look, I was going to just suggest that you lay low for a while, try to stay below the press's radar. I just think it will be better for everyone, all the way around, don't you?" 

Scenes from the past month-and-a-half flashed across Donna's mind. All the public kissing she and Josh had done - on the beach in Florida, at Disney World, at National airport not once but twice…Nothing had been in the papers about them to this point, but now she was paranoid. What if someone with a camera *had* gotten a shot of them, and was just biding his or her time, waiting for more pictures, more ammunition? And then she looked forward a few weeks. 

"Casey…I'm supposed to be going to the Inaugural Ball with him!" she whispered, with desperation in her voice. 

Casey's eyes went wide, and he lifted his hands again, in frustration for her. "Donna. I…I can't tell you what to do, here. But I just want to ask you to think about …rethinking that invitation. I just don't know that it would be a good idea for you, or for him, or for us," he said, waving his arms around at the *us* to indicate the company they were a part of. 

"Casey…" Donna leaned forward, to plead with her friend. "He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. We…we couldn't be with each other when we were in the White House, and we knew it, and it made us both miserable. Please, please don't tell me I have to go back to hiding the way I feel about him." 

"Donna, I'm sorry…I don't know what else to tell you. I just felt like it was my responsibility to do this." 

Donna pressed a hand to her head, and sighed, closing her eyes against the headache that had rapidly overtaken the euphoria she felt earlier that morning. "Casey, I need to think about this. I love working here, and I'm very committed to making this company work. I think I'm good at it. I am also very grateful to you for giving me this chance. But…I don't know if I can sneak around in my personal life. It's just…it's too hard, Casey. And I feel like I'm being forced to make a choice, here." 

"Donna…" Casey didn't know what to say. 

"I need to get back to work," Donna said, miserably. "I'll see you at 10 for the staff meeting." She turned and walked back down the hall. 

Casey sat, his head in his hands, thinking that this was the part of the job he hated the most. 

Donna made it back to her desk, sat, and stared out the window for long moments again. She whirled around, picked up her phone, and dialed a familiar number. 

"CJ Cregg's Office." 

"Hi Carol, it's Donna." 

"Donna! How are you?" 

"I'm goo-- I'm ok. Is she in?" 

"Yes, she is. Hang on." 

Donna was placed on hold for a moment, and then Carol came back. "Ok, Donna, I'm going to put you through…hey, did I hear that we're going to see you at the Ball?" 

Donna's stomach dropped and lurched. "I…yes, you did," she said, almost whispering. 

"Great," Carol said, oblivious to what was going on, on Donna's end of the phone. "Here's CJ." 

"Thanks," Donna said weakly. 

"Donna?" CJ said as she came on the line. "Hey, how are you? Happy New Year! How was Cheese Country?" 

"Alright…." Donna said trailing off, after which a tortured sigh escaped her lips, "CJ?" 

"Donna? Are you ok?" 

"No. Can you meet me for lunch or dinner tonight?" 

"I can do dinner. What's wrong?" 

"I can't…I can't talk about it at the moment. I'm…CJ, I'm physically fine, it's not anything like that, and I'm not mad at Josh or anything. I just…I need to talk to you about something. What time can you meet for dinner?" 

"Briefing's over at 6pm, then I need to wrap things up here. Can you do 7:30 at Bosco's?" 

"Yes. Thank you, CJ….Um, CJ?" 

"Yeah, hon?" 

"Please don't tell Josh that I called or that we're going to meet, Ok?" 

"Donna…" 

"CJ, I'm not going to be keeping anything from him; I'll tell him about it when I get home tonight, but I need some help working it out first, ok?" 

"Ok, sweetie. 7:30, Bosco's. Call me if you need anything during the day, ok?" 

"Ok, CJ. Thank you." 

"I haven't done anything, yet. Thank me when I make you smile again. I'll see you tonight." 

"Ok. Bye." 

*************** 

Donna sat, wringing her hands under the table as she waited at the restaurant for CJ. She was exhausted. Not only had she not gotten any sleep from the night before and her early flight that morning, but she had worked like a maniac all day, basically to prove to Casey that nothing would get in the way of her doing a good job. But now it was all catching up with her, and the pit of worry and despair that she had pushed away all day was now back and taking control of her. 

CJ came bustling up to the table, took one look at Donna, and felt her own stomach lurch at the look of panic on the younger woman's face. "Donna, hey, I'm here." 

"Hey CJ. Thanks for coming…" 

"Donna. Of course I'd be here." CJ looked up at the hovering waiter, and ordered a glass of white wine. She peeled off her jacket, sat in the chair next to Donna, grabbed her friend's hand, and said, "Tell me." 

Donna, trying desperately not to make a spectacle of herself in the busy restaurant, dropped her voice to a low whisper, took a deep breath, and began to tell CJ about the conversation with Casey this morning. CJ just listened, and nodded, and sipped her wine when it came. 

"CJ, what am I going to do? What if Casey's right? I can't go to the Ball, I probably shouldn't have even moved in with Josh. I just didn't think it would be a big deal anymore, well, that's not even true, I didn't think about it at all. CJ, I don't want to bring another scandal on the Bartlet administration, and I want to keep my job…but CJ, God help me, I don't want to lose Josh over this, *again!*" she said with a wail that she quickly struggled to control. "I'm not even in the White House anymore, and I'm supposed to hide, and lie, and forget about the way I feel about him? CJ, I won't do it. But…what the hell am I going to do if I get fired or I'm forced to quit? I don't have a college degree; it's a miracle that I was hired to do this, hell, that I was even hired to work for Josh in the first place!" Donna twisted her hands some more, and then suddenly got angry, and her "game face" came back on. "Dammit, CJ, I'm not going to do this! I want Josh. I'll just quit. I'll be a secretary if I have to, I'll wait tables…." 

"Donna…" 

"No, really! Oh, but then, the press will say, 'Josh Lyman makes his girlfriend wait tables for a living!' Oh god, it's hopeless, isn't it." 

"Donna." 

Donna lifted her unhappy face to CJ's. "What?" she asked, miserably. 

"Calm down, and listen to me. This isn't that bad. I understand why Casey felt like he had to talk to you about this - believe me, there's a reason why I've drilled it into everyone's head that I'm the 'first call' person. I spend all my time coming up with 'what-if' scenarios, and then ways to eliminate the 'what-ifs' or spin them to our benefit." 

"I know," Donna sniffed. "That's why I called you. You know, that and you're like the best female friend I have." 

CJ was touched, and smiled a bit at that. "I feel the same way, Donna. So as your friend and political adviser, we're gonna fix this. First things first. You are not, in any way, shape, or form, going to skip that Ball." 

"But CJ…" 

"No buts!" CJ said, thinking to herself, *Dammit, after all they've been through, they're going to that stupid Ball, and Josh is going to propose, and I'm going to get to have a good happy cry, and finally, all will be right with the universe.* "You already have a dress," CJ said, her mind made up for Donna already. "It would be a waste of good taffeta if you didn't go." 

"CJ," Donna said, finally laughing. 

"I'm serious! And I will not be deprived of seeing the look on Josh's face when he sees you in it for the first time. By the way, Mrs. Bartlet has invited you and Josh's mom to come get ready in the residence with us." 

Donna looked shocked. "CJ! Really? Are you sure?" 

CJ grinned. "Of course I'm sure. Well, ok, you know, unless she meant something else when she called me and said, 'Claudia Jean, you're getting ready with me on January 20th. Bring your taste for champagne. And call Donna and see if she and Margie Lyman want to join us. Gigi has time to get us all coiffed to perfection.'" CJ, of course, didn't add that Abby Bartlet wanted to make sure that Donna looked extra-gorgeous for what would turn out to be one of the most important and special nights of her life. 

"Gigi, as in, *'Gigi,'* Gigi?" 

“Yes, the world-famous hairdresser to the stars. Apparently Abby hated what her old stylist did to her hair for the birthday gala the President threw for her, so she's not screwing around this time, she called for the best in the business. Anyway. Gigi will be there, and he's going to swear off men forever once he sees you in that dress and gets his hands on that gorgeous hair of yours. Now," CJ said, satisfied that she had Donna convinced to be there, "as to the rest of your worries. Do you trust me?" 

"What? CJ, of course I trust you." 

"Good. Then trust me when I tell you that you have nothing to worry about from the White House's point of view. The President knows about you and Josh, and he couldn't be happier. In fact, I think his exact words on the subject to Josh were 'I'm surprised you held out this long.'" 

"R…Really? Josh didn't tell me that he spoke with the President about us." 

*Probably because in the process, Josh also told him that he was going to ask you to marry him! * CJ thought with glee. She did so love being in on this big secret. "Well, you don't have to worry about Josh's job. The official line from the Bartlet administration, if it becomes an issue in the press, will be 'it's about damn time, and we couldn't be happier, and they did nothing inappropriate while they were working together, even though most of us wished that they would.' Or something a bit more tactful than that. And I promise you, I don't think it will be a big thing. And if it did turn into a big thing, well, you just so happen to have me on your side, and I am in the enviable position of having the private phone number of one Ms. Barbara Walters, and she happens to owe me a favor." 

"CJ! What did you do for Barbara Walters?" 

"Let's just say that someone who shall remain nameless gave Ms. Walters some information that may have given her a head start on breaking the Mid-East peace-talks story last year." CJ grinned, clearly indicating who "someone who shall remain nameless" was. "Anyway, if it became a 'thing,' we could get you and Josh on Barbara, or Larry King, or Oprah, or whoever the hell you wanted to have the exclusive, and then you could go on national TV and declare your love for each other, give your side of the story, and, in the process, put in your plug for…wait for it…'capitolscoop.com.' Boom. Public sympathy, *and* free publicity. It's a beautiful thing. God Bless freedom of the press," CJ said, trying to make Donna smile and succeeding, finally. 

Donna's eyes lit up. "Oh, my god, CJ, you're brilliant." 

"Don't I know it. Now, I can't do anything about Casey's fears that you'll be swept up in 'Josh and Donna' mania and that you'll ignore your work as a result…" 

"…but he has nothing to worry about, because that would never happen," said Donna, with her determination fully restored. 

"That's my girl," CJ said, smiling. "And honestly, it's not even going to come to that, trust me. But just in case, give me Casey's phone number. I'm going to have a little conversation with him, to explain to him the concept of 'no such thing as bad press.' Well, as long as you don't work for the government, anyway. And I'll make sure he knows exactly why your relationship with Josh is absolutely, positively, the best thing that could have ever happened to the two of you, and how no one should think that you having to choose one over the other was a good idea. Ok? Because, really, in the end, what Casey's going to have understand is that he'd much rather deal with me on this than Josh if he ever got wind of this." 

Donna laughed. "And now you see why I didn't want you to tell Josh that something was wrong," she laughed softly. "Ok, but I want to be there when you talk to Casey; I don't want him to feel like I'm having my enforcer come beat him down or something." Donna sighed, looked down at her hands, and got a bit teary now that things were under control again. "CJ…I don't know what I'd do without you," she sniffled. 

"Just remember that when you have kids and need to start thinking about names," she laughed. "I expect a number of Claudia Jean Juniors running around your home domeday." 

Donna leaned forward to wrap her arms around her friend. "Thank you," she whispered into CJ's hair. 

"You're welcome, sweetie. So, what's good here? I'm starving." 

Donna laughed, blinked away the tears, and waved the waiter over so that they could finally order some food. 

*************** 

Later that night, after her dinner with CJ, Donna dragged herself home, beyond exhausted, but happy to have Josh to come back to at the end of the day. She opened the apartment door to the familiar sight of their candles blazing, and found Josh on the couch, remote control in hand, and a college football bowl game on. 

"Hey," she said, dropping her bag and crawling out of her coat. She dropped down next to him on the couch, and leaned her head on his shoulder. 

Josh took one look at her and knew something was off. "What's the matter?" he said, turning and shifting so that he was laying against the armrest of the couch, pulling on Donna's shoulders so that she was lying across him, her head resting on his chest. He aimed the remote at the TV, turned it off, and returned his attention to Donna. 

"Nothing's the matter, now that I'm home with you," she said, meaning it. 

Josh played with her hair a bit, and wasn't satisfied that she was telling him the truth. "Donnatella. Tell me what's wrong." 

Donna looked up at him, and gave him a wan smile. "It was just a very long day, Josh. But honestly, I'm much better now, and tomorrow will be a much better day than today. I just want to leave the office at the office today, Ok?" 

"Ok," he said, not really convinced, and not really wanting to drop it. He idly stroked her hair some more and dropped kisses onto the top of her head, enjoying the feel of her against him. 

He tried again. "Because, you know, Donna, you can tell me anything. Really." 

Donna smiled against his chest, and laughed. "You're not going to let this go, are you?" 

He grinned against her hair. "No. But you love that I'm tenacious, don't you?" 

"I think the phrase you're looking for here is 'that you're a nudge.' And yes, I do love that about you, oddly enough. That, and the fact that you always know when something is or was wrong." She sighed. "Do you trust me?" 

"Yes." 

She smiled again. "Good. Then just trust me when I say that I just had a crappy day, but it's over, and I just want you to take me to bed and hold me until I fall asleep. Can you do that for me?" 

"Yes," he said, pulling her head up with fingers under her chin, and kissing her deeply. "Let's go to bed, Donnatella. By the way," he said, kissing the tip of her nose, "I haven't said 'I love you' yet today." 

"You still haven't." 

Josh grinned. "I know. I wasn't offering to, I'm just saying, I haven't said it yet--" 

"Jooooosh." 

"Well, you haven't said it either, I might add." 

Donna looked up at him, rolling her eyes. "Are we going to argue about not saying it, or can we just say it so we can get naked and into bed?" 

"So, the nakedness is contingent upon--" 

"JOSH!" 

Josh laughed now, and pulled her up against his body so that he could attack her neck and throat and jaw line with his lips. He whispered "I love you" on a low growl, right against her ear. 

"See, now was that so hard, Joshua?" 

"No, but there are certain other things…" 

"Oh, my god. You're an incorrigible sex maniac," she said, smiling and leaning back so that she could stand and pull them to their feet. 

"Yeah, well, it's all your fault," he said, roaming around the room, blowing out candles, and plunging the room into moonlight. "Coming in here all sexy and wind-blown and beautiful. I mean, jeesh, what do you want from a guy, huh Donna?" he said, humorously. 

Donna was overcome with everything that she almost lost that day, and when he finally came back to her to lead her to bed, she stopped him with arms around his neck. "Josh?" 

"Yeah?" he answered. 

"I really do love you," she whispered. "More than I ever thought I could or should." 

"Donnatella," he whispered back. "Thank you. I'm going to make sure you never regret it." 

"'Kay," she said, squeezing him harder. She looked up at him in the moonlight, and ran her hands through the back of his hair. "Come take me to bed," she said, kissing him. Everything was going to be alright. 

**************** 

Josh was having a very hard time concentrating the next day. He just couldn't shake the feeling he had that Donna was still unnerved, or upset by something, and that she wasn't sharing it. Which, of course, made him crazy and he was still chewing on it by lunchtime. 

"Hey." CJ was standing in his doorway. 

"Hey," Josh said, his distraction and frustration evident on his face. 

CJ leaned into the door jamb. "Lunch?" 

Josh sighed. "No, I'll just go down to the mess later. CJ, I'm worried about Donna…do you think…" and he trailed off, not sure how to ask what he wanted to ask her about Donna and her mood the night before. 

CJ sighed as well. She really didn't want to have to get into it with Josh, but the look on his face was just killing her. "Josh, it'll all work out. I'm having dinner with her and Casey tonight, really, I'll smooth the whole thing over. Stop worrying." 

Josh jerked his head up, his eyes wide. "You're having dinner with Donna and Casey? Donna's boss Casey? Why?" 

*Uh-oh.* CJ, the queen of misdirection, didn't miss a beat. "No, you misheard, I said 'Stacey.' My friend Stacey. Ok, I'm off to lunch, see you…" 

But Josh was too quick for her. As she turned to leave, he practically vaulted from his desk in trying to get around it, ran over, grabbed CJ's arm, yanked her back into his office, and closed the door. "Sit!" he said, pointing to the chairs across from his desk. He leaned back against the front of his desk, crossed his arms across his chest, and waited. 

CJ sighed again, sitting back in the chair. "She told me she was going to tell you when she got home last night." 

"CJ, I swear to God, if you don't start talking…" 

"And, I can see now why she might have wanted to put it off, since you're being so calm and rational about this. Are you still seeing the anger-management guy, Joshua?" 

"Yes, and that's why I haven't gone screaming out of here and over to Donna's office yet. I'm calmly and rationally waiting to hear the facts before I go ballistic. Stop stalling, CJ, please, is she…" 

CJ sighed one more time. "She's fine, Josh. I really wish she had talked to you…" 

"She was exhausted last night, and just wanted to go to sleep. She told me she had a crappy day, but that things were much better. What happened?" 

"Fine, but before I begin, I'm just letting you know that when we leave the White House, I'm going to start my own website, 'AskCJ.com,' featuring all my best advice for the lovelorn. Honestly. I'll make a fortune, instead of just giving it away for free like I do now. Anyway…" CJ recounted the story that Donna told her the previous night at dinner, and CJ's advice. Josh was not happy about any of it. 

Closing his eyes, and pinching the bridge of his nose between two fingers, Josh tried to calm himself down. "Ok, I agree with you, there's no way she's not going to the Ball, and if the press gives this even a little bit of coverage, it won't last long, or be a big deal for any of us. Hell, her company will probably make out in the deal. But what I don't understand…why wouldn't she tell me about this, especially since you're going to talk to Casey and calm him down anyway? It's going to be taken care of! What's the big deal?" 

CJ just cocked her head, and looked at Josh. "You know, normally I'd weigh in here with my patented, 'Boy are you stupid,' but you're just too cute when you're all love-sick, so I don't have the heart to beat you up right now' look, Josh," CJ began, "Donna was most worried about how everything would reflect upon *you.* Whether this purported scandal *might* hurt the President, and thus put *your* job in jeopardy. She told me she'd quit, but then she was worried about how she'd ever get another job, since she doesn't have a degree. So then she said, 'Well, it doesn't matter, I'll just be a waitress,' but then she got worried that *that* might reflect poorly on you, if your girlfriend was caught slinging hash for a living. She wound herself up so tight she didn't know which end was up by the time she stopped talking. The one thing she wasn't willing to do, however, was give you up." 

Josh finally got it. "She's still protecting me," he said, shaking his head at the wonder of it all. "Why is she still trying to protect me?" he said, more to the air than to CJ. 

CJ rolled her eyes, now giving Josh the "boy are you stupid" look instead of verbalizing it. "Because that's what you do when you love someone, Josh." 

"Why didn't she tell me?" 

"You tell me." 

Josh sighed. "Because she was exhausted and just wanted to go to sleep. And because she knew I'd probably go a little bit ballistic," he said, smiling guiltily. "And because she knows she can trust you to find a way to make it all better." 

"Just call me your fairy godmother, mi amore." 

"And I bet she'll probably tell me all about it tonight, after dinner with you and Casey." 

"Probably. So, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't let her know how you tricked me into telling you about this…" 

"Secret's safe with me. If, you know, you don't tell her how I went insane just now. I'm hoping to impress her with my calm, rational demeanor when she finally comes clean." 

"Deal." 

"'Kay. So, do I get a say in who we 'come out to' in the press?" 

"No." 

"I mean, I'm just saying, Howard Stern or Jerry Springer, they have a certain demographic that I think could help us with the midterms…" 

"So *not* going to happen, Joshua." 

Josh grinned. "You're missing a golden opportunity, here, Claudia Jean." 

"I'm willing to take that chance, Joshua. So. You ok?" 

"Yes. Once again, thanks to you." 

"Yeah, you're in such trouble if I ever start collecting on these debts of gratitude," she said with a wink as she rose and headed for the door. "Last chance on lunch," she called over her shoulder. 

"Nah, I'm good. Go ahead," he said. "CJ?" he called out after her. 

"You're welcome," she yelled from the bullpen, flashing him a smile as she rounded the corner. 

"Thank you," he said quietly, with a smile, to the air, as he sat back down at his desk. 

Later that night, he made it home close to 11pm, and Donna was snuggled into bed with a copy of Newsweek, waiting up for him. She was wearing a pair of his PJ's, with her hair pulled into a ponytail and her face scrubbed clean. *How did I ever live alone before this?* He wondered to himself. Seeing her first thing in the morning, and last thing at night, were the highlights of his day. Of course, when she was his assistant, seeing her at the office first thing in the morning, and spending all his waking hours with her, were the highlights of the day. "Hey there," Josh said, happy to see more of a smile on her face than yesterday. He leaned in for a kiss and started pulling off his shoes. 

"Hi! How'd the meeting with Senator Mitchell go?" 

"Fantastic. I got him for the energy bill." 

"You're brilliant," she said, enjoying watching him take off his clothes. *Good lord, I do so love this man's body*, she thought to herself. Long, lean, muscled arms and well-shaped abs and legs. Josh stripped down to boxers, and Donna scooched down the bed so that he could crawl behind her and wrap his arms and legs around her. 

"So," Josh started, and he was happy that he was sitting behind her, so that she couldn't see his face, which was sporting an enormous, "I know something you don't know" look to it. "How was your day? Better than yesterday?" 

Donna sighed, leaning back against Josh's chest. "Yes, much better. Are you…would you be willing to listen for a bit? I'd like to tell you what's been going on, because it sort of involves you." 

"Sure, sweetie, I'm all ears. Talk to me," he said, with a happy grin on his well-hidden face. 

"Ok, but, can you try to promise me that you'll just listen, and not freak out on me? Because, believe me, this has a very happy ending." 

"No problem, I promise," he said, settling back to very calmly and rationally hear a tale he already knew all about. 


	20. Having Faith - MATURE Version 20

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 20  
Queen for a Day**

Finally, Inauguration Day dawned. The day was clear and crisply cold, and Donna watched the proceedings from the warmth of the apartment. Josh and Sam had volunteered to stay in the Wing and keep an eye on things while most of the other Senior Staffers braved the winter air with the President on the podium. 

The two men watched with Margaret, Carol, Laurie/Lanie/Lana/Whatever Her Name Was, Bonnie and Ginger, and all the other lower-level staffers, as President Bartlet - their guy - took the oath of office for a second time. Josh didn't think he could be happier than he was at that moment. Congratulations went out all around for Sam as the President's stirring speech - Sam's handiwork - was met with huge ovations from the crowd listening to it live, and was given high marks by the professional pundits on TV. Josh went into his office, picked up the phone, and dialed home 

"Hello?" 

"Hey, Donna." 

"Hi! That was…" 

"…amazing. I know. Sam's on cloud nine." 

"He should be. The speech was Kennedy-esque. It gave me goosebumps." 

Josh laughed. "I'll tell him you said that. It'll make his day. So what time…" 

"I'm not sure yet. We're going to head to the Residence at around 6pm or so. I still can't believe I'm going to get ready for this with Mrs. Bartlet. And GIGI!" she said, laughing. "I feel like I won 'Queen for a Day' or something." 

"'Queen for a Day?'" 

"Game show. Golden age of television. Whichever housewife had the most horrible life was named 'Queen for a Day,' and they showered her with gifts and pampering." 

"Wow. That's…really…" 

"Horrible. Yeah. Which explains why it hasn't made a comeback." 

Josh smiled. "Anyway, Queen Donnatella…" 

"Ooooh, I like the sound of that." 

"I bet you do. So you don't know what time I should expect you?" 

"Nope. Gigi is going to work his magic, and then we'll get dressed and ready to go…I imagine it'll be sometime around 9pm or so. I'll come down to your office and find you. Just do me a favor…" 

"Yeah?" 

"Save your bow tie for me." 

Josh smiled into the phone. "What, like you think I've actually learned how to do it myself?" 

"I hope not." Donna smiled, now. She had always loved tying Josh's bow ties for him. Those intimate moments of being able to stand close together always made her fall a little bit more in love with Josh, back when she couldn't have him. 

"'Kay. I can't wait to see you," he said, low, into the phone. 

Donna smiled. "I hope I won't disappoint you," she joked. 

"Doubtful," Josh said back. "Ok. I gotta go. Country to run." 

"Right," she said, rolling her eyes. Nothing was happening in Washington today except parties and parades. "Ok. We'll see you later." 

"'Kay. Bye." 

"Bye." 

Josh hung up, and leaned against his desk, staring into space. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out the ring he had been carrying around all day. He stared at it, letting the fluorescent lights play off of it as he turned it in his fingers, careful not to smudge the stone with his fingerprints. 

"Having second thoughts?" Sam was standing in Josh's doorway, smiling at his oldest friend. 

Josh smiled. "No. That's what I'm sitting here thinking about. How I should be nervous, or worried, or freaking out, but I'm not. I'm really not. I can't wait to ask her." 

Sam came and sat next to Josh on the edge of the desk. "Can I see it?" Josh handed Sam the ring, and watched as Sam inspected it. "Your grandmother's?" 

"Yeah," Josh said. "She left it for Joanie, but then…well, then it came to me." 

"It's beautiful. Quite a rock, there." 

"Yeah. I hope she likes it." 

"She will." 

Sam handed the ring back, and the two men sat in silence for a few long moments. 

"I'm proud of you, Josh." 

"Thanks, Dad." 

Sam laughed. "I'm serious. I hoped, but wasn't really sure if you'd ever get here. I'm glad that you did." 

"Well, thanks to you, in large part." 

"Hey, what are friends for?" 

Josh smiled. "Well, friends are for saying yes when other friends ask them to be the best man at their wedding." 

Sam looked down at his hands, smiling. "That was the most convoluted sentence ever constructed, Josh. Good thing they let me do the writing around here." 

"Well, then you'll be able to write a phenomenal toast, then, won't you?" 

Sam looked over and smiled at Josh. "Yes, I will." Josh knew this was his friend's way of saying yes. Sam hopped off the desk and headed for the door. "I'm going to go watch the parade coverage. Wanna come?" 

"Yeah," Josh said. He pocketed the ring and headed for the bullpen. 

************ 

Donna reflected for the umpteenth time on how ridiculously unfair it was that all men had to do to get ready for a formal function was shower, shave their faces, and throw on a tuxedo. Getting ready for this ball was turning into a day-long affair for Donna and Margie. They started early in the morning, heading out to get manicures and pedicures, and Margie surprised Donna with the gift of a facial and massage as well. Donna felt fabulous. Her skin was glowing from her head to her painted toes, and she felt relaxed and happy. They were able to rest and have a late lunch in the apartment during the Inauguration ceremony and parade, which was nice. In the afternoon, Donna took a bath and shaved her legs. By 5:30pm, she and Margie were busy pulling their dresses and makeup bags and other "necessities" together. The doorbell suddenly buzzed, causing Donna to look at Margie with raised eyebrows, as if to say, "Who's that?" 

Donna crossed to the intercom, and asked who was there. 

"Jimmy, ma'am, from District Limos. Mr. Lyman hired us to take ya'll to the Ball tonight." 

"What? Hold on, I'll be right down." 

Donna threw Margie a quizzical look, and got one right back. The two women hurried down three flights of stairs to the outside door. There they found "Jimmy," a short Italian guy in a limo driver's uniform, and behind him, a gleaming black stretch limo. 

Donna looked at Margie with wide eyes, and then back to Jimmy. "Josh hired you?" 

"Yes, ma'am." 

Donna grinned like an idiot. "Whoo-hoo!" she shouted. "I am so Queen for a day!" 

Margie grinned. "So what, I'm the Queen Mother?" 

Donna laughed, and turned to their driver. "Jimmy, do you want to come up while we finish getting ready?" She had no idea of the etiquette of these sorts of things. 

"No, thank you, ma'am. I'm kind of double-parked, here. I'll stay here for now, and I'll leave the window down; just call down with the intercom, there, and I'll come up when you're all ready to go and help you with your bags." 

"Ok! We won't be long." 

Donna and Margie hurried back upstairs, got everything together that they needed, called down to Jimmy, and with his help got all their bags and bundles into the trunk of the limo. Donna and Margie slid into the back, and at once saw a bottle of Dom Perignon chilling in an ice bucket. Jimmy hopped into the driver's seat, with the partition between the front and the back still down. "Jimmy! Who do we have to thank for the champagne?" Donna asked. 

"Mr. Lyman, ma'am. There's a card there, too," he said, as he got ready to pull into traffic. "Would you like me to put the partition up?" 

Donna looked at Margie, then back at Jimmy. "No, leave it down. You can help us celebrate!" Donna said, laughing. She found the card next to the champagne bucket, address to "Mom and Donna." Donna handed it to Margie, saying, "You open it. So Jimmy," Donna said, settling into the bank of seats directly behind Jimmy, and across from Margie, "tell me the story of your life!" 

Donna and Jimmy chatted amiably for a bit, as he pulled away from the apartment and headed out into the traffic of the city. The inauguration ceremonies were long over, but there was residual traffic from the parade and street closings, so Jimmy took his time and Donna and Margie enjoyed the ride. 

Margie read the card from Josh, and then passed it over to Donna. 

______________ 

Mom and Donna - 

For the two most beautiful women in the world… Can't wait to see you both tonight. Enjoy the Dom. It cost a fortune. 

Love, Josh 

______________ 

Donna laughed. "He's a sentimental fool, isn't he Margie?" 

Margie grinned in return. "I agree with the fool part, anyway. Well, you read the note. Let's make a dent in this champagne," she said, refilling Donna's glass. 

They enjoyed the rest of their drive, chatting away with Jimmy and enjoying the luxury of the ride. When they finally pulled up in front of the White House, and were cleared for entrance to the residence, they were in a party mood. Jimmy helped them with their bags, and told them that he would be waiting for them at the end of the night. Donna was enjoying watching Margie get more and more excited about being able to spend time in the Residence - an honor very few people could say that they had enjoyed. Donna was excited, but a bit melancholy, as well, and nervous about seeing the First Lady and President. She still just felt so…well, horrible, that she deserted the administration when and the way that she did. 

The two women and their belongings went through a security check, with Donna saying hello to some of the agents, park police and security guards that she knew. She got a wink from Janice, one of the female guards, when she checked Donna's dress. "Oooh, honey, that dress should be confiscated," Janice joked to Donna as she re-zipped the bag. "It's a lethal weapon!" Donna grinned, and thanked the security staff, and they were led by another staffer up the Grand Staircase and down a long hall to Mrs. Bartlet's private rooms. 

*************** 

The beauty of living in the White House was that there were lots of rooms, and Abby had taken over a wing when they moved in for occasions just like this one. As she and Margie made their way down the long hall towards the suite, Donna heard a familiar song being pumped over a stereo, said, "Oh, my god," and began laughing. Margie said, "What in the world…" with a very confused look on her face. Donna and Margie were ushered into a suite of adjoining rooms by a guard, and came in to see…CJ, a glass of champagne in hand, doing "The Jackal," for a hysterical Abby and Zoe, who were sitting on the bed cracking up. 

"Thank god we didn't miss 'The Jackal!'" Donna said with a laugh as they appeared in the doorway, applauding as CJ finished with a flourish. Zoe then came running across the room to give Donna a huge hug. The President's daughter had always liked Donna, and they had always enjoyed hanging out whenever the opportunity arose. "How are you, Zo?" Donna asked with a smile. She saw out of the corner of her eye that Margie was hugging CJ, and was getting reacquainted with Mrs. Bartlet, who she had met when Josh was in the hospital. 

"I'm great! Dean's list again this semester," Zoe said, proudly. "Wait until you see my dress for tonight, Donna, it ROCKS, although my dad's going to *hate* it," she said, rolling her eyes. "He's going to tell me it's indecent. Which, you know, makes it perfect," Zoe said, laughing. Zoe came closer, and in Donna's ear, whispered, "By the way, I'm happy for you and Josh! I always hoped he'd figure out how much he likes you!" 

Donna laughed. "Wait, don't tell me it was obvious to you, too?" Donna said, grinning. 

Zoe rolled her eyes. "Please. Charlie and I had a bet going on when he'd finally break down and kiss you. I'm gonna need a date on that, by the way, so that I can see who won," she said, wagging her eyebrows up and down at Donna, making her laugh. 

"Well, technically," Donna said, with a finger tapping against her lips, "I think *I* kissed *him* first, on Thanksgiving Day," she said, laughing. 

Zoe's eyes widened. "Nice work, Donna! I kissed Charlie first, too. What is it with the men around here?" she said, linking her arm through Donna's and standing back beside her. "No initiative," she said, shaking her head. 

Abby finished chatting with Margie, then looked over at Donna. Donna stepped forward, a bit shyly, and started to speak. "Mrs. Bartlet, I can't begin to thank you for the honor of this invitation--" 

"Donna," Abby gently interrupted. 

"Yes, ma'am?" Donna said, a bit hesitantly. Oh, god, she had such a lecture due to her, but she didn't think she could handle it tonight. 

Abby looked at her with a kind smile, and took Donna's shoulders in her hands. "Donna, you're family. I wouldn't have it any other way," she said, pulling the younger woman in for a tight embrace. "We missed you," she said in Donna's ear. 

Donna was overwhelmed. She realized at that moment that she was more scared to be back at the White House than she had admitted to herself; she was worried sick about how she'd be received. Mrs. Bartlet's statement floored her, and she found herself giving in to tears. Mrs. Bartlet kept on talking. "I'm sorry we had to lose you around here in the process, but I can't tell you how happy I am that you and Josh finally figured it out," she said, pulling Donna back to look at her, smooth her hair and wipe the tears off of the younger woman's face. "We love you very much," she said, and pulling Donna in for one more hug, added gently, "You always have a place with us," meaning it in every sense of the phrase - in the White House, in their family, in their lives. 

Donna barely managed to choke out a whispered "Thank you, ma'am," when she realized that there were other sniffles echoing in the room. CJ, Zoe, and Margie were all misty and looking for Kleenex. Abby and Donna laughed, and wiping her own tears, Abby took charge again. "Ok. What is this, a funeral, or a party?" 

CJ laughed. "Party. Definitely a party. Margie? Donna? Champagne?" 

Margie held out a glass. "You don't have to ask me twice!" 

Zoe looked pleadingly at her mom, and Abby relented. "Ok, Zoe. You're just about 21, anyway," she said, letting CJ pour her daughter a flute, and getting a hug and a kiss from her daughter in return. 

Zoe looked naughtily at Donna, then turned back to her mother. "So mom, when you and dad kissed for the first time, did he kiss you or did you kiss him?" 

Abby rolled her eyes now. "Please. The man was going to be a priest. What do you think?" 

Zoe laughed with Donna. "See?" the younger girl said. "Men. No initiative." 

************* 

The women had the time of their lives getting ready. They drank champagne, laughed and gossiped, and started working on their makeup. Gigi, in all his fabulous glory, came sweeping in at 7:00, with three assistants and multiple cases of hair products in tow. Gigi set to work immediately on Abbey, covering her head with big rollers and having one of the assistants stand over her with an industrial-strength hair dryer to set it. He then came over to supervise the work being done on the other women. CJ's hair was so short, you really couldn't do much with it, but Gigi and his team made it shine, and pouffed it out in the back and top, flipped the ends out and pulled the sides in behind her ears. She looked fantastic. Margie's hair was short and curly, so she too got the royal treatment, with an assistant fluffing her hair out and coifing it to perfection. 

Zoe's hair had gotten quite long, and she was having her hair put into a French twist for the first time. She kept turning her head back and forth, so she could admire the sleek sides of the hairdo. "Charlie's eyes are gonna roll back in his head!" she said with a whisper to Donna, who giggled conspiratorially. 

Donna was speechless with what was going on with her hair. Gigi had worked on her himself, and CJ was right, he praised Donna's fine hair to the gods and back. He worked all sorts of product into her hair, to thicken it up and make it shine. He then pulled and pinned it back, and curled the ends, so that it looked like there was a basket of curls cascading from the nape of her neck. It was a work of art. Donna couldn't believe her hair was capable of doing that - she never had a bad hair day, but she didn't do much with her thin hair other than leave it hanging straight or pull it back. She was fighting with herself not to play with it. 

When Abby finally appeared from her bathroom, it was clear that Gigi had outdone himself again. He had pinned her thick hair up beautifully, and made it shine like everyone else's. "Gigi, you're a genius," Abby said, turning Donna by the shoulders so she could get a better look at the back of her head. "Oh!" Abby said, once Zoe came back into the room. "My little girl!" the First Lady sniffed, putting her arms out for a hug. 

"Mom!" Zoe said, slightly embarrassed. Abby pressed a hand to her chest to get a hold of herself. "Ok, ladies. Let's get into those dresses!" 

Donna grabbed her dress and headed for one of the sumptuous bathrooms in that end of the hallway. She had a rather special set of undergarments that she had picked out to go with the dress, and she was a bit too shy to stand around in her sexy underwear in front of the First Lady of the United States, her daughter, and Josh's mom. The words "too much information for them" came to mind. Donna pulled on everything that went under the dress, and then reached for her gown, unzipping it and stepping into it. She held the bodice flush against her chest, and then motioned for CJ through the cracked bathroom door. 

"Can you zip me up?" Donna said, proffering her back to her friend. 

"Absolutely," CJ said, obliging. "Donna. You're…you're breathtaking." 

She was. The ice blue dress gave her alabaster skin a hint of color and brought out the blue in her eyes; the makeup she had applied made her cheeks glow and her eyes sparkle. Donna affixed small diamond studs to her ears that her parents had given her when she graduated from high school. She turned and looked at CJ. "Do you think he'll like it?" Donna asked, twirling a bit. 

With a smile in her voice, CJ said, "If he has a pulse, then I'd say so." 

"Hey, by the way, you're not looking too shabby yourself, there, Cregg!" 

CJ had on a tight, slinky, shiny burgundy dress that showed off every curve along her 6-foot-plus length. She looked dressed to kill. And she knew it. 

"Yes, well, let's hope that my not eating for the last week and a half so that I could get into it was worth it," she joked. "Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and find a special guy to help peel me out of it later!" 

"CJ!" 

"What? Like you're the only one allowed to have mind-blowing sex these days? I mean, I'm assuming it's mind-blowing sex, although, come to think of it, it is Josh we're talking about here, maybe I'm giving him too much credit…" 

Donna was laughing hysterically at this point. "CJ. You're too much. You're not going to trick me into telling you how unbelievably fantastic my sex life with Josh is," she said, smiling slyly. 

"Ah, Donna, a girl after my own heart, the master of the non-admission admission. I'm going to get you drunk and press you for all the fun details later," she joked, winking as she opened the bathroom door and led them back out towards the other women. 

They met back up with Margie, Abby and Zoe in the main suite. They were all dressed and ready to go; Abby wearing an aubergine designer gown, Margie the chocolate brown dress she found the day she went shopping with Donna, and Zoe in a red, low and bias-cut silk slip dress that made Donna's eyes pop. "Holy cow, Zo, you grew up on me," she said. "Look at you!" 

"You like it?" Zoe said, twirling. She leaned in to Donna. "What do you think my dad's going to say?" 

"He's going to have a heart attack," Donna said. "But I think *Charlie's* reaction will be worth whatever grief your dad gives you," she said, winking at her friend. 

Abby was still checking Donna out, with an amused look on her face. "No, something's missing," she said, her chin in her hand. 

Donna panicked a little. "What? What's missing?" she said, turning in a circle to try to look behind her, and dipping to look at her face in the mirror. 

"You need a necklace," said the First Lady, winking over Donna's head at CJ. 

"I didn't bring one," Donna said, her hand going to her throat. "Does it look bad without one?" 

"Terrible," Abby said, with a smile. "But don't worry, I have just the thing for you." 

She disappeared into the back room, and then came back with a large jewelry box. "You have diamond earrings on, right? Well, I think this will do the trick," she said, placing the box in Donna's hands. 

Donna was frozen to the spot. She was afraid to open the box. "Mrs. Bartlet…" 

"Go on, open it up," she encouraged, her hands underneath and supporting Donna's now-shaking hands. 

Donna lifted the lid, and gasped out loud. Inside was a thin, delicate platinum-based necklace that looked like an entire garland of tiny, sparkling, diamond flowers. She tentatively ran one finger underneath the elegant links, and raised her eyes to Mrs. Bartlet, still unsure. 

"Jethro gave this to me on our first wedding anniversary," she said, smiling at the memory and at her pet name for the President. "A result of his first solo trip to Tiffany's, as I recall," she said. "I'd be honored if you'd wear it tonight," she said, a gleam in her eye. "CJ, can you help me get this around Donna's neck?" 

"Absolutely, ma'am," she said, as Josh's mom dabbed tears from her eyes. Margie knew why everyone was making sure that Donna looked just right, and she was overcome with emotion at what was in store for Donna in the next few hours. 

Abby held the necklace out over Donna's neck, and CJ affixed the clasp in the back. Donna looked at herself in the mirror, and the necklace sparkled back at her. "It's perfect now, Mrs. Bartlet. I don't know how I'll ever be able to thank you. I'll take good care of it tonight," she promised, reaching one hand up in an unconscious gesture of protection. 

Abbey smiled a very maternal smile at Donna, and gave her a hug. "I know you will," she said, with love in her voice. 

*************** 

"Well," Abby said, once she and Donna had stopped hugging, "we have some time to kill. Zoe, find another CD for us to listen to, and let's have some more champagne!" 

Donna smiled, and leaned into Abby. "Mrs. Bartlet…I promised Josh I'd go find him and help him with his tie," she said, blushing a little. 

"Of course," she said, smiling. "Why don't you bring him and whoever else is left down there up here with you, so that they can walk down with us, when you're done?" 

"Ok. Margie, I'll be right back, alright?" 

Margie waved at Donna, as she held out her glass to CJ for more champagne. Donna let one of the secret service agents escort her to the end of the hallway and then a park policeman took her down the stairs of the residence, and over to a side door that led to an outdoor walkway and to the lobby of the West Wing. She pulled the silvery pashmina shawl that she had brought with her that night around her shoulders, to ward off the chill. The agent held open the lobby door for her, and wished her a good evening. Donna took one step into the familiar hallway, and stood still for a moment, closing her eyes as a wave of bittersweet nostalgia washed over her. She loved her new job, she loved that she could finally have Josh in her life, but she still missed it here so desperately - the fast pace, the people, the sense that you were contributing to something bigger and greater than yourself, every single day. She sighed, and opened her eyes to find Sam, in his white-tie and tails, standing in front of the reception desk, and staring at her. 

"Hi!" she said, brightly, but he didn't answer. "Sam?" 

"Donna?" he said, incredulous. "Oh my…Wow!" Sam had always thought Donna was a pretty girl, but tonight…tonight he was staring at an extraordinarily beautiful woman. 

A slow smile spread over Donna's face. *If I got that sort of reaction from Sam…* she thought, anticipating what Josh might say. "Thanks, Sam," she said, grinning. 

Just then Toby and Leo came into the hallway looking for Sam. They too stopped short when they saw her standing there. Toby just blinked, a small smile peeking out from under his beard. He stepped forward to put a hand to her elbow, and gently kissed the side of her cheek. "You are beautiful," he said, stepping back to look in her eyes for a minute. *Oh boy, is she going to blow Josh's mind tonight,* he thought, with a warm feeling in his heart that he rarely indulged. "I'm glad you're here." 

Donna was completely bowled over by these words and the kiss, which were, for Toby, exceptionally demonstrative. "Thank you, Toby," she whispered, grinning at him. Toby turned and grabbed Sam, leading him from the entryway, with Sam's eyes still plastered to Donna, a goofy grin on his face, making Donna laugh out loud. 

Leo remained. He had a wistful, paternalistic look on his face, and Donna dropped her eyes to the floor, then back up to him again. She hadn't seen him since before she left the West Wing, and once again, she wasn't sure how he was going to react to seeing her here. 

"Hello, Donna." 

"Hi, Leo." 

He continued to stand away from her, and give her the half-smile that he rarely offered to anyone. 

Donna got teary, and tried very hard not to let her tears spill over and ruin her makeup. There was so much she wanted to say. How sorry she was that she had to leave. How much she missed Leo and everyone else. How happy she was, now. How much she appreciated everything that everyone in this administration had done for her. 

Without hearing her say a word, Leo understood. "I know," he said quietly. "It's ok." 

Giving her another small smile, Leo turned and started to walk down the length of the lobby, turning at the end toward his offices and the Oval. He stopped, and looked back at her. "You're the best thing that ever happened to him, Donna. Thank you for finding him, and for forgiving him, and for bringing him back." 

She smiled a watery smile at her old boss. "It was my pleasure," she said, beaming at him. 

Leo smiled again, and disappeared down another hallway. 

Donna took a few long moments to compose herself, then wandered down the lobby, turning right, and then entering the bullpen where she used to work. She pressed a hand to her heart, fighting back the dull ache she felt there. She wandered over to what used to be her desk; someone else's pictures now adorned the surface, but it was all too familiar, anyway. She pulled of the pashmina and draped it over the back of her old chair, like she used to with her sweaters or blazers when she came in, in the morning. 

Silently, she slipped past her old desk, and over to the doorway of Josh's office. 

A smile broke out on her lips at a familiar sight; Josh, his back to the door, one hand scratching the back of his head, a folder in the other hand, and him mumbling to himself about what he was reading. He had on his tuxedo. 

She waited, wanting to see how long it would take him to notice she was there. Within seconds, he could smell her…the unmistakable lavender scent that never failed to make him crazy. He looked up to the window in front of him, and saw her silhouetted behind him in the light of the doorway. He turned slowly, and took her in, and couldn't believe his eyes. 

She looked…regal. Like a Queen. Impossibly beautiful. Delicate. Extraordinary. Angelic. Unbelievably sexy. Exquisite. Ethereal. Sparkly. Shimmering. Luminescent. His mind jumped from term to term…none seemed to fit on its own, yet all seemed to fit when used in conjunction. He had never seen another woman that beautiful; no other woman had ever taken his breath away before. But there he was, fighting to remember how to take in oxygen, and losing the battle. 

She stepped forward, silently, and took his bow tie off of his desk, looped it around his neck, and began to tie it for him. Their lips were inches apart, and the smell of her invaded his senses, clouded his mind. He brought one hand up to her neck, and trailed his fingers down the side gently, just wanting to touch her once to prove she was real. His eyes raced over her face, taking her in. She took her time with the tie, getting it just right, smoothing and evening the edges, her eyes never leaving his face, flickering from his eyes to his lips and back again. She got a shiver down her spine as the smell of his cologne brought back an olfactory memory of the last time they had made love. 

She finished with the tie, and placed her arms around his neck, bringing her lips to his for a long, slow, seductive kiss full of promise and heat and longing and devotion. 

Josh pulled away, and rested his forehead against hers, breathing heavily. He pulled her hands from behind his head, and kissed her fingertips, then kissed the backs of each hand. Their eyes met, and he finally spoke. 

"Donna….For as long as I live, I will never forget the way you looked when you walked in that door, and the way I feel right now. You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I can't believe you're mine," he added, holding her at arm's length now, to take in the whole of her. For a brief moment, he considered asking her, right then and there. He had never loved her more than at that moment. But he didn't want to upstage the President's entrance, and he had a feeling there'd be some serious celebrating going on once he finally popped the question. So the ring stayed in his pocket, and he decided to wait just a little while longer. 

Donna smiled. She brought her thumb up to remove her lipstick from Josh's lips, tracing and caressing them in the process. She brought her hands up to tangle in the curls at the back of his head, and rested her forehead against his again. Now, she spoke. "I waited my whole life for you, Josh Lyman, and believe me, you were more than worth the wait." She smiled, then dropped a quick kiss to his lips, so as not to get more lipstick on him. "Come on," she whispered. "Everyone's waiting for us back in the residence." 

"You mean I can't just stand here and hold you and stare at you all night?" he whispered back. "Because at the moment, that's really all I want to do." 

"As nice and, you know, productive as that would be," she said, running her hand over his cheek, caressing his dimple with a finger, and grinning, "I think we should go find your other date for the night." 

"'Kay." But he didn't move; he just kept trailing his fingers along her neck and across her shoulders. 

"Josh," she said, laughing out loud now. "Come on. They're waiting for us," she continued, dropping back and pulling on his hand. 

Josh followed her out, and closed his office door behind him. He surreptitiously patted his pant pocket, to make sure the loose ring was still there, and it was. He took Donna's wrap from her hands, and draped it around her shoulders, and offered her his arm, smiling up into her face. She laughed out loud again. 

"Boy, is it going to be a long night if you keep looking at me like that," she said in his ear as they retraced her earlier steps back to the residence. 

"Don't I know it," he teased back, as they made their way up the Grand Staircase and down the hall to the suite of rooms in the residence. Sam and Toby were there, as was Charlie, who was talking in one corner with Zoe and most definitely showing his appreciation for Zoe's red dress. Abby told them all that Leo and the President would be up shortly, after a brief meeting with Nancy McNally about a car bomb going off in a Catholic neighborhood in Northern Ireland. 

Abby came out to greet them. "Why don't you all head down; Margie, Leo asked if you might wait for him, he'd like the honor of escorting you in, if you wouldn't mind Josh going down without you." 

Margie smiled, touched by this gesture from her husband's old friend. "Of course! And that way I can keep you company while you wait for the President." She came over to give Josh a kiss on the cheek and thank him for the limo and champagne. 

"You ok, Mom?" he whispered as he kissed her back. 

"I'm wonderful, Joshua. The girls back in West Palm will never believe all I have to tell them - and the night hasn't even started yet." 

Josh grinned. "You look beautiful, by the way," he said, standing back to admire her. CJ stepped out of the main suite at that moment, and Josh, Sam, and Toby's eyes all collectively bugged out, and they all gave audible gasps of "CJ" at the same time. 

"What? Is my dress see-through or something?" CJ said, frowning, hands on her hips. 

The three men just continued to stare at her. She was one of the guys, but man, when she wanted to look like a woman, she knew what she was doing. Toby and Sam started bickering none-too-softly over who would escort her in, Toby pulling rank as Sam's superior and Sam arguing that he was better looking and that that should count for something. CJ smiled, overhearing. 

"That's better. Come on, boys, you can both take an arm. Looks like Josh isn't the only one with two dates tonight!" she cheered. 

They all started moving towards the stairwell, with Charlie and Zoe in tow as well. 


	21. Having Faith - MATURE Version 21

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 21  
May I Have This Dance?**

There were at least a dozen Inaugural Balls being held all over the District that night, with various themes and hosts. But the one that the staff was going to was going to be the most intimate, and most fun, in their opinion. It would be where the President and First Lady began and ended their night - with their families, closest friends, staff and campaign workers, and loyal supporters from the world of politics and Hollywood. It was being held in the East Room of the White House, and it was the place to be in DC that evening. The Bartlets were going to have to hit all the parties, but they made no bones about it, this is where they would have preferred to spend the entire night. 

Most of the invited guests had already arrived and assembled in the East Room, mixing and mingling to the sounds of Harry Connick, Jr. and his orchestra. No one was dancing yet, however, as protocol demanded that the President and First Lady have the first dance. CJ, Sam and Toby were announced to the room, and they walked in, to much applause. 

As Charlie and Zoe waited their turn, Donna realized what was about to happen. She and Josh were about to formally "come out" as a couple; their picture would be taken; everyone who was anyone in DC would see it with their own eyes; there was no turning back from here. She looked up, slightly anxious, but when she saw the love in his eyes, and saw how proud he was to be with her, any last fears she had were completely swept away. Charlie and Zoe entered the room, again to much applause. Now it was their turn. Josh offered her his arm, and they stepped to the doorway. 

"May I present: Mr. Joshua Lyman, and Ms. Donnatella Moss!" 

Josh and Donna greeted the room, and for a moment, a surprised hush fell over the crowd…and then a huge outpouring of applause for these two who clearly, finally, had gotten it together and figured it out. Donna blushed, and Josh grinned like an idiot, and they entered the room. 

They didn't get far. Donna was almost immediately accosted by Ginger, Margaret and Carol, who had been there for a while and were dying to see Donna finally get there. 

"Oh. My. God. *Look* at you, Donna!" said Margaret in amazement. "You look stunning. Stunning!" 

Donna laughed, and hugged each of them in turn. "I've missed you guys!" she said, taking a moment to admire each of their dresses and whisper about the Hollywood stars in attendance. Josh appeared behind her a moment later with a waiter, who had a tray full of glasses of champagne for the ladies. Donna beamed at him, and he dropped a kiss on her lips before moving a few short feet away to greet and chat with Tom Hanks. 

Donna turned back to her friends to see…three completely floored and stunned women. 

"He just…" Margaret's mouth kept moving, and she gestured with her hand, but she was too amazed with what she had just seen to say anything more than that. 

"That was…" Ditto for Carol. 

"Donna!" Ginger finally spoke for all of them. "That was so…*nice* of him! And that kiss…ok, who was that guy, and what have you done with Josh Lyman?" 

"More to the point," Margaret said, "tell me your secret so I can get the same results out of Leo!" 

"MARGARET!" Donna's eyes went as wide as saucers. 

Margaret was confused for a moment, and then looked horrified. "Oh, dear Lord, Donna, not the KISS, I want to make Leo *nicer,* not get him to kiss me!" She shook her head for emphasis a few more times and gave a very dismayed shudder at the thought. 

Just at that moment, the Sergeant-at-Arms announced the arrival of Leo and Margie, causing Margaret to go red all over again at the mention of Leo's name over the microphone. The rest of the girls, of course, thought this was the funniest thing they had ever seen. 

Josh came over at that point with a young woman, and he waited a moment until he could get Donna's attention. Whispering a quick "I'll catch up with you guys in a few minutes," she turned to Josh and the person he wanted Donna to meet. 

"Donna, I'd like you to meet Lainie Griffiths, who was my temp, but we just hired her to be my permanent assistant. Lainie, this is Donnatella Moss." 

Donna took one look at the short bespectacled woman before her, grabbed her hand, grinned and said, "Lainie, it's so nice to meet you; but I'm going to have to offer you my condolences on your choice of employer. You poor, poor woman." 

Lainie gave Donna an enormous, knowing smile before turning back to Josh. "Who did you ask?" 

"Huh?" 

"Who did you ask to get my name right just now?" 

"Lani, how could you…" 

"It's LAINIE, Josh!" she said with her eyes rolling. She looked back at Donna with an annoyed look on her face. "Did it take him more than three months to get *your* name right, too? Honestly, people keep telling me he's smart, but I'm just not seeing it yet," she said with a huff. Donna threw her head back and laughed, while Josh looked annoyed and sheepish all at once. 

"So," Lainie said with a smile. "The famous Donnatella Moss. Knowing full well that I'll never in a million years be able to fill your gorgeous shoes," she said, laughing, "got any advice for this guy's new secretary?" she said, jerking her head at Josh, who was trying to look dignified and in control, but clearly, Lainie had his number just as Donna had, and he knew it, and was once again trying to figure out when he had lost his authority over *this* assistant. 

"Lainie," Donna said, linking her arm around the other woman's elbow, "I can tell that you're going to do just fine. Here's my advice: don't bring him coffee. Don't type his emails for him. Don't feed his ego. And one last thing: you're his assistant, not his secretary. Don't let anyone tell you any different," she said with a smile. 

"Thanks," Lainie said with a smile. "I'm happy to finally meet you." 

"Me, too," Donna said, shaking the woman's hand as Lainie excused herself to head off to find her date. 

"So, that was Lani," Josh said. 

"Lainie." 

"Right, that's what I said, Lainie." 

Donna rolled her eyes and shook her head at the wonder that was Josh. 

"So, what'd you think?" 

"Of Lainie?" 

"Yeah." 

"She reminds me of someone I used to know," she said with a grin. 

Josh laughed. "Yeah, she's pretty much in charge. I don't think I'd enjoy being captain of my own ship at the office anymore." 

"That's good. She'll keep you in line. Just, you know…" 

"What?" 

"Don't go falling in love with her," Donna said, grinning. 

"Did you see the glasses, Donna? She looks like Thelma from Scooby-Doo." 

"Josh!" Donna gasped at how horrible he was. "So you're saying you hired an unattractive woman on purpose?" 

"No," he said laughing. "I hired the best woman for the job…well, the second-best," he said, pulling Donna in for an embrace. "And she could have looked like Cindy Crawford, and it wouldn't matter. Because all I see, Donnatella Moss, is you." 

Donna cocked her head at him. "Josh?" 

"Yes, Donnatella?" 

"You know, I thought the limo and, you know, the moment in the office was good…" 

"Yeah?" 

"But that…that, my friend, was *major-league* wooing." 

Josh grinned, and pressed his lips to hers, encircling her waist with his hands and pulling her close. "Oh yeah?" he said with his mouth against her ear. "Bet I can top it," he promised. 

"You think so, huh?" she said, grinning and letting him discretely nibble at her earlobe and neck. "I don't know, Josh, I just really don't see how you could top anything you've done so far," she said, giving him a tempting look, and knowing full well that the boy could never resist a dare. 

"Well now. I do believe the gauntlet has been thrown," he said, pulling her around so that her back was to him, and his arms were wrapped around her middle. "We'll woo some more after they announce the big guy," he said, dragging his lips along the column of her neck, making her shudder and nestle her cheek against him. 

"Ok. Oh, and Josh? Just so we're clear? You are *so* getting lucky tonight," she said, laughing and kissing his cheek as Mr. and Mrs. Bartlet arrived in the doorway. The orchestra played a fanfare, and the moment they had all been waiting for arrived. 

"Ladies and Gentlemen: The President and First Lady of the United States!" 

With Hail to the Chief playing all around them, Jed and Abbey entered the room to thunderous, foot-stomping, ebullient applause and shouting. They waved to everyone, stopping to shake a few hands, but then moved quickly to the center of the dance floor. The President took his wife into his arms, and began to guide her around the hardwood floor to Harry Connick's rendition of "It Had to be You," which had been the Bartlets' wedding song so many years before, and which Jed had requested especially for the first dance tonight. 

Donna looked on with a wistful smile. *All these years, and they're still each other's best friend,* she thought dreamily, as she placed her hands over the ones Josh had laced around her middle and rested her head against his. 

The Bartlet's finished their dance with Jed bowing to her and Abby curtseying to him, laughing the whole time at themselves. Donna didn't think she had ever seen them look so happy or relaxed. 

Typically, for the second dance of the evening, the President and First Lady asked people whom they wished to honor in some way to join them on the floor. During State dinners, it was usually the invited heads of state and their spouses who were next to be asked. Donna wondered who the lucky two would be tonight. She and Josh had always made a game out of speculating who would "get the call" on nights when the answer wasn't obvious. She dipped her head to Josh's ear. "So, what do you think? Leo and your mom? Zoe and Charlie?" 

"Actually…" Josh said, still looking straight ahead and seeing what was about to unfold. 

"Donnatella. May I have this dance?" 

Donna snapped her head back, away from Josh's neck, and couldn't believe her eyes. The President of the United States was asking her to dance. The second dance of the night. She was completely speechless, and it took Josh nudging her slightly in the ribs to get her to stammer out an astonished "Ye..Yes, Mr. President!" She took his hand and let him lead her to the floor, and she could see out of the corner of her eye that Josh was escorting Abby out onto the floor as well. 

Donna was acutely aware of every pair of eyes in the room watching her, and a low murmur rose in the room. She could only imagine what they were saying. She would have been astounded, no doubt, to know that most of the comments centered on how exquisite she looked, how happy everyone was that she and Josh had finally gotten it together, and how extraordinary it was that the President chose this couple to honor on this night - what might that mean? 

Donna heard the first notes of "The Way You Look Tonight" being played by the band, and stepped into the circle of Jed Bartlet's arms. She had held it together when she had seen Leo for the first time earlier that evening, but now, by the time she hit the dance floor, she was already well on her way to crying. 

"Mr. President…" 

"Donna. Abby told me upstairs how beautiful you look tonight, but I have to admit, you surpassed my expectations. You are breathtaking, my dear." 

"Mr. President, thank you so much. I…" 

"Josh came to see me a few weeks ago, did he tell you about our conversation?" 

"No, sir, not really…" 

"Well, that doesn't surprise me, because mostly we talked about you that day," he said, twirling her expertly as she tried desperately to keep tears from spilling over her eyes and onto her cheeks. 

"You did, sir?" She was beyond being able to contribute intelligently to this conversation. 

"Yes, we did. He told me some of why you had to leave, Donna. I'm sorry that you had to go through that painful time, and you had to leave us as a result. I've missed your smile, your sense of humor, and your endless supply of factoids very much." 

Donna smiled a bit into his shoulder. "I've listened to every one of your radio speeches, Mr. President. Who's helping you now?" 

"Oh, Charlie's the one being tortured with the 29 takes now," he said, making her laugh. "Donna, I wanted you to know…" 

"Yes, Mr. President?" 

"That I'm very proud of you, and the work you've done over at that web site. And that I consider it a privilege to have had you as part of my staff for as long as we did. And the only 'good' thing about losing you was that you were able to find your way back to Josh as a result. I'm so happy for both of you." 

Donna couldn't speak now; she just bit her lip and stifled a sob. *God, please, do not let me burst into tears in the middle of this dance floor!* she thought with some desperation. 

Jed continued. "I see you're wearing the necklace I gave Abby all those years ago." 

"Yes, sir," she whispered. "Mrs. Bartlet thought I needed something…" 

"She was right. It looks perfect on you. It's fitting, that you're wearing it tonight," he said with a smile. 

"Why, sir?" 

He pulled her close as he spun her one more time. "Because you're family, Donnatella," he said, and that did it, the floodgates opened, and as the song ended, Donna couldn't move her feet anymore, she was trying so hard not to sob. The President pulled her close, kissed her cheek, and said, "Take good care of him, Donna. And you both always have a place with us." 

Abby and Josh finished their dance, which had consisted mostly of Abby peppering Josh with questions about how he was going to propose, and then telling him about how fumbling Jed was when he finally popped the question to her, making Josh laugh for most of the song. They ended up right next to a bemused Jed and a completely undone Donna. She was trying very hard not to have a total break down in front of 500 clapping people, who were all touched by the obvious emotion displayed on Donna's face and the obvious love for her on the President's face. 

Abby took one look at Donna and then gave Jed "the look." "Oh, for the love of God, Jed, what did you do to her?" 

"Oh, you know, just told her how much we miss her, how she's part of the family, how she's clearly insane for being in love with Josh, blah, blah, blah," he said, finally making Donna laugh as she brushed away tears with Josh's quickly-proffered handkerchief. 

"Mr. President, Mrs. Bartlet…" Donna began, taking one of Jed's hands, and one of Abby's in her own, and squeezing them a bit. "'Thank you' doesn't seem to be big enough to cover what I really want to say, but it's all I think I'm capable of right now. Thank you, both, from the bottom of my heart, for everything you've done for me," she said, smiling a bit more now. "Is it appropriate for me to tell you both that I love you? I'm never sure of the etiquette of that sort of thing," she said, making the First Couple laugh. 

"We'll overlook it this one time," Jed said, his eyes grinning. "Well, Sweet Knees, are you ready to head over to the New Hampshire Ball?" he said, holding his wife's hand in his own. 

Abby groaned, and then sighed. "One Ball down…eleven to go. We'll be back by dawn. Save us some champagne," Abby said as they prepared to say some very quick hellos to those in this room, then head out the door. She gave Josh a secret wink that only he saw, and then, arm in arm, she and the President said goodbye to Josh and Donna, and headed over to speak to Leo and Margie one last time on their way out. 

Josh put a finger under Donna's chin and tilted it up. "Are you ok?" he said, wiping a tear away. 

Donna began to nod her head yes, then quickly switched it to a shake for no. She threw her arms around Josh's neck and finally let go of all the worries she had had that they would be angry with her, not understand why she left, feel betrayed by her. She had carried it around in a much deeper and darker place than she had ever imagined, and she finally had nothing else to be afraid of, or worried about. She was totally happy. And that made her smile through the tears. 

CJ came over at that point, discretely. "Hey Donna," she said, with a hand to her friend's back and understanding eyes pointed at Josh. "I'm gonna head out to the ladies' room to fix my makeup, want to come?" 

"Uh-huh," Donna said, pulling back and beaming at Josh. "And then," she said with a laugh, "I'm not going to cry again for at least a week. Josh, why don't you find your mom, see if she wants to dance? I'll be back in a few minutes," she said, as she headed off with CJ. 

*Oh, you're so going to cry again tonight,* CJ thought as she led her friend through the crowd to the hallway outside. 

*************** 

Everyone was enjoying the evening thoroughly. Harry Connick kept bringing guest singers up from the crowd to sing with the band; James Taylor and Bruce Springsteen both did a few songs, pleasing most of the crowd in the process. 

Then Harry retook the stage. "Ladies and Gentlemen…it took some work, but I convinced her to grace us with her amazing voice…It is my pleasure and my honor to present, and play for, The Queen of Soul, Ms. Aretha Franklin!" 

Donna's eyes grew wide, and she gasped. "Oh. My. God. It's *Aretha Franklin!*" she gushed at Josh, pulling on his coat sleeve a bit and hopping in place. Yo-Yo Ma ran a distant second to Aretha on Donna's list of favorite performers. Donna started clapping and shouting with the rest of the crowd as Aretha took the stage. She greeted the crowd, and congratulated the President (even though he was already gone by then); then, laughing, she said, "This is for the Republicans!" and the band swung into a rendition of "Chain of Fools," drawing a huge cheer and many guffaws from the partisan crowd. 

Beyond excited, Donna tried to drag Josh out on the floor, but he asked her to wait just one minute while he scanned the room for CJ. "I just need to let CJ know something real quick - I forgot, Warren Beatty wants a word with her later," Josh said, thinking on his feet and hoping the ever-perceptive Donna wouldn't catch the white lie he was telling her. 

"Ok, but hurry!" Donna said, as she grabbed Sam's hand and dragged him out in lieu of Josh. 

Josh went hurrying over to the bar at the opposite end of the room, where CJ was standing and flirting with Harrison Ford. "Hey, Harrison…Loved you in "Star Wars," by the way….CJ? I need a favor, do you have a second?" 

CJ gave Harrison her best, "Please wait here while I kill the Deputy Chief of Staff of the United States, it should only take a moment" look, and let Josh pull her a few feet away. 

"Joshua? This better be good, because rumor has it that Han is flying very Solo these days, if you catch my drift…" 

She let Josh pull her down to his height, and he whispered in her ear. A smile grew on her face. "Ok, mi amore. But if Indiana Jones gets away as a result, you are going to owe me until the day you die. He's gorgeous, rich, famous, and, most importantly, taller than I am. He's the Holy Grail, Joshua. Don't let him wander off. And keep Christie Brinkley away from him. Damn supermodels." 

"Deal," Josh said, shooing her in the direction of Harry Connick and the bandstand. 

He told Harrison that CJ would be right back, then moved back over to the general vicinity of Donna and Sam, who, God love him, could not dance to save his soul. Josh thought Donna was doing a very good job of staying out of the line of fire of Sam's flailing arms. "Chain of Fools" ended, and Donna and Sam made their way back to a smiling Josh. 

Donna was thanking Sam for the dance, and off-handedly remarked, "I wonder if she'll do any more songs." 

Just then, Harry spoke into the microphone. "Aretha's going to do one more for us all tonight. Ladies and Gentlemen…this is for Donna," he said, nodding to the men behind him. 

Donna's eyes grew wide, and suddenly she heard the opening bars of a very familiar song. 

And Aretha began to sing the song that Etta James made famous. 

*At last…my love has come along.* 

"Donnatella? May I have this dance?" 

Donna turned to see Josh standing behind her, eyes full of love and a grin on his lips. 

"Josh! Did…did you do this?" 

"Yes." 

"You…you asked them to have Aretha Franklin sing our song, for me?" 

"Yes." 

Donna just stood and stared at him, a disbelieving smile on her face. She kept alternating between staring at Aretha Franklin singing the first few words of their song and staring at Josh. 

*My lonely days…are over…* 

"Donna?" 

"Yes?" 

"Would you like to dance to our song?" he asked, loving watching her face as she took it all in. 

*And life is like a song…* 

She smiled, and let Josh lead her out to the middle of the dance floor. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he held her tight with his hands supporting her back, and they began to move across the floor with hundreds of other couples. 

*Oh…yeah yeah at last…the skies above are blue…* 

"Thank you," Donna whispered, her face nestled into the crook of Josh's neck. 

*My heart was wrapped up…in clover…* 

"You're welcome, Donna." 

*The night I looked at you…* 

"Donnatella?" 

"Joshua?" she answered, her eyes closed, loving the feel of him holding her and moving with her. 

"I have something I want to ask you," he said quietly, against her ear. 

*I found a dream, that I could speak to…* 

"Ok," she said, her brow wrinkling a bit. "Is everything alright?" 

"Yes," Josh said, smiling. "Actually," he said, "first, I have something I want to tell you." 

"What?" 

*A dream that I can call my own…* 

He pulled back a bit, so that he was able to look into her eyes. "Donnatella Moss…I am completely, hopelessly, and utterly in love with you. I think I have been ever since the first day I laid eyes on you." 

"Josh," she said, overwhelmed with this sudden burst of emotion and sentiment from him. 

*I found a thrill to press my cheek to…* 

"I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it all out. But now that I have," he said, pulling her hands from around his neck, and holding them close to his heart with both of his own hands, "I want to spend the rest of my life making sure you know how much I need you, how much you mean to me, how much I love you." 

*A thrill that I have never known…* 

"Joshua," Donna said, her eyes searching his. Now they were standing still in the middle of the dance floor, couples and lights swirling all around them, but all they saw was each other. 

*Oh yeah yeah…you smile…you smile…* 

And with a wide grin on his face, Josh reached one hand into his pants pocket, and then dropped to one knee. 

*Oh…and then the spell was cast…* 

And Donna pressed her one free hand to her mouth in surprise, as she watched Josh hold up a ring in between them, and watched him look up at her with very happy eyes. 

*And here we are in heaven…* 

"Donnatella Moss…will you marry me?" 

*For you are mine…at last.* 

And Donna, tears running down her face, shaking like a leaf, let out a joyous, high-pitched, top-of-her lungs answer that everyone in the East Room heard loud and clear: "YES!" 

*************** 

Donna pulled Josh to his feet, and he scooped her up in his arms, lifting her off of the floor; he pressed a hand to the back of her head, beneath Gigi's basket of curls, and kissed her hard. Suddenly, they could hear a commotion behind them. They broke off the kiss, turned, and saw CJ, Sam, Toby, Leo, Margie, Zoe, Charlie, Margaret, Carol, Bonnie, Cathy, Lainie, Ginger, Ed, Larry, and Harrison Ford jumping up and down, clapping, whistling, screaming, cheering, shouting, crying, laughing and collectively exclaiming their approval of what they had all just gathered together to witness. (Once CJ asked Harry Connick to help Josh out by having Aretha sing the song, she got everyone together to watch the big moment. It was only fitting…each had, in some small way, worked to make it happen. Well, you know, everyone except Harrison Ford.) 

At once, the whole group of them rushed Josh and Donna, hugging and kissing them and generally making a complete scene, and not caring one bit about it. Josh got hugs, handshakes and backslaps from Sam, Leo, Charlie and Toby, and he made his way over to his mom right away to give her a huge hug and kiss, thanking her for all she had done for him. Donna was accosted by all of the assistants, who were eager to check out the ring; then Donna made sure she made her way over to CJ, who wasn't even trying to conceal her tears anymore. They just wrapped their arms around each other and cried and laughed and whooped and grinned. Zoe got on her cell phone and called her mom, shouting "He did it! He did it! She said yes!" and telling her parents the whole story. Zoe passed the phone to Josh, who got an earful of the President saying "Atta boy!" and "We'll be there soon to help you celebrate!" 

Finally, after Margie got to hug her future daughter-in-law, and Ed and Larry got their hugs and congratulations in too, they all moved to the bar to get champagne for toasting. There, Josh was finally able to get Donna in his arms again. 

"So…yes? Really? Really, yes?" 

"Yes, Joshua. Really, yes," she said, holding his face in her hands and kissing him. "I can't believe this," she said, pressing her forehead to his, and closing her eyes for a moment. "Are you sure?" 

"Donna, I have never been more sure of something in my whole sorry life. You're the other half of my brain. You're holding my heart. There's no one else for me but you." 

Donna smiled broadly, and kissed him again. "You're going to be my husband," she said dreamily, still in shock. 

"And you're going to be my wife," he said, beaming. "Will I finally be able to get some coffee out of you, now?" 

She threw her head back and laughed. "Is it a deal-breaker?" she said, giggling. 

Josh mock-sighed as Toby and CJ came towards them with trays of champagne glasses. "Sadly, no. I want you even if it's got to be a caffeine-free life," making her grin and kiss him one last time. 

Everyone took a glass, and CJ handed one specifically to Josh, whispering "ginger ale," in his ear, making him grin. "Thanks," he said, whispering back, relieved that she remembered. "So…a toast," he said, raising his glass high, and looking into Donna's eyes. "To Donna…for having faith in me. And, you know, for saying yes and not leaving me hanging out there on the dance floor," he said, giving her a wicked grin. 

They all drank to that. Now it was Donna's turn. "And to Josh…for being the best thing that ever happened to me…and, you know, for finally figuring it out," she said, making everyone want to cry, and then laugh, and finally drawing a very happy "Amen!" from the crowd. 

Finally, Margie raised a glass. "To Josiah Bartlet," she said quietly, "who has given us all so much." Donna and Josh looked at each other, and couldn't have agreed more. "To Josiah Bartlet," they said, clinking glasses and drinking to his name. As the idea set in, grins shone all around. "To President Bartlet!" Toby said, with a sense of glee that he rarely let out. 

"To the President!" echoed Sam. 

"To my dad!" added Zoe. 

"To Jed Bartlet," Leo said, finally a bit misty. 

"To my boss," Charlie said, quietly; the emotion in his eyes let everyone know that Bartlet was that and so much more for this young man. 

"To Josiah Bartlet…and the voters!" CJ said, letting out a whoop and draining her glass. 

That was a toast they could all get behind as well. "To the voters!" they all yelled at once. 

The indiscriminate toasting went on; a tipsy Sam decided that the next set of toasts should start with the state of California, which put them over the top in the Electoral College. A special round went out to New Hampshire, which at the last minute had swung to the President in the election, but which also was the place where Josh and Donna met. And so it went. 

Josh grinned at them all, and then one more thought occurred to him. "So, Donna," he said, pulling her in for another kiss. "Have I made it to the Woo Hall of Fame?" he said in a low voice for hears only, reminding her of their conversation earlier in the evening. 

"You are, indeed, the Grand Poobah of Woo, Joshua," she said, grinning back at him, and making him laugh. 

"Cool. Is there at hat that comes with that?" 

She rolled her eyes at him, wrapped her arms around his neck for one more kiss, and then they rejoined the group to assist with the toasting of Illinois, Michigan and Ohio and their 61critical pro-Bartlet electoral votes. 


	22. Having Faith - MATURE Version 22

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 22  
Linking the Past and Future**

It was the most indescribable night. The toasting and celebrating went on until well after midnight, and until the President and First Lady arrived back at the East Room Ball to finally enjoy some time in one place. They immediately came in and over to Josh and Donna with open arms and hugs, and the President gave one of his patented, long-winded, but heartfelt toasts, making Donna cry and Josh teary. By 2:30am, Margie was starting to fade, so they began the process of heading home. Donna went back up to the residence with Abby to retrieve her clothes and makeup, and to return the beautiful necklace she had borrowed for the night. Donna clung to the first Lady as they hugged goodbye; Donna still didn't know how to say "thank you" other than using those simple words, and they were all that Abby had to hear to know all that Donna was trying to say. 

Josh, Donna and Margie said their goodbyes to their friends, who were also starting to think about heading for home, and the President and Abby walked them out to Jimmy and the limo. Jimmy was beyond excited to meet the President (much to the chagrin of the Secret Service agents who hovered nearby), and was thrilled when Donna introduced them. Jed was about to launch into the story of the time he got to drive a limo, but thankfully, Abby cut him off. 

"So, Jeeves and I here have been thinking," she started, rolling her eyes at her husband and turning now to Josh and Donna, "that there hasn't been a wedding in the Rose Garden in far too long." 

Donna's eyes grew wide, and she looked at Josh, speechless. He leaned in, pretending to whisper just to Donna, but, in a voice loud enough for all to hear, and said, "Yeah, they've been planning a Rose Garden wedding for us since I was in the hospital, I'll have you know," eliciting a hearty laugh from Jed. 

"Yes, and Margie, if you had just let me say something to Josh then, you might have had grandchildren already. Oh well, there's time enough for that," he said, loving the look of utter embarrassment on Josh's face as once again the President of the United States alluded to his sex life. 

Abby smiled. "Anyway. Think about it. The roses are lovely in June, especially," she said, hinting and grinning. They all exchanged hugs and kisses one last time, and then Josh, Donna and Margie got into the limo and headed out into the night. 

*************** 

Josh leaned forward and asked Jimmy to take them to the Monarch Hotel, where Margie was staying while she was in town. They headed out, with Margie taking this chance to tell Donna about the ring she was now wearing. 

"My father bought the diamond when he was over in France during World War 2," she said, holding Donna's hand and turning it to and fro so it caught and reflected the light. "He and my mother were married during the last years of the Great Depression, so they didn't have much, and they didn't even have wedding rings, did you know that, Joshua?" 

"No, I didn't," he said, sitting across from them. He was enjoying hearing about the grandparents he never knew. 

"Well, being in the army was no great shakes, but he was able to save some money from his paychecks. So he went looking for a ring for my mother once they declared the war over. He found this diamond, in a simple gold band, in a tiny shop in Paris. Somehow, the Nazis didn't get it during the occupation. If you look close, Donna," Margie said, bringing Donna's hand up closer to her eyes, "you'll see that it has more than the usual number of facets cut…that diamond was cut in the 19th century - that was the last time anyone cut diamonds that way," she said, watching the look of delight come over Donna's face. 

"So, it was cut way back then, and was…who knows where, and then Josh's grandfather found it right after World War 2 in France?" 

"Yes, and he gave it to my mother Sarah, when he got back. When Noah proposed to me," Margie said, smiling a bit at the memory of her late husband down on one knee, "he gave me this ring, that I'm wearing, that he bought with his first paycheck after passing the bar," she said, showing Donna the ring she still wore. "So when my mother died, since I already had a ring, she left her ring to Joanie." 

Josh spoke next, his voice full of emotion at the memory of his older sister. "And then…it came to me," Josh said quietly. "I had it reset for you, in platinum; the gold band was really scratched up, and I know you like platinum better, anyway." 

"Do you still have the band?" Donna asked. 

"Yes, why?" 

"I don't know…it's part of the history…I'd like to try to do something with it, if we can. Add a different stone to it, or something…" 

"Ok. I think that would be great," he said, smiling at Donna from across the car. 

Donna looked down at her hand, then up at Margie. "I'm so…honored, that you would entrust this to me," she said, squeezing her fist closed in an unconscious protective move, to keep the ring even tighter on her hand. "It has such an amazing history, and I'm just so, I don't know…I guess, I feel like I'm really part of your family, now. I have a link to Joanie, and to you, and to your parents, and to a tiny shopkeeper in France that stuck it to the Nazis, and to whoever owned this ring before that, all the way back over a hundred years ago. I'm…I'm speechless. I'll always cherish it, and protect it." 

Margie smiled. "And someday, you'll leave it to the next generation of women in our family," she said, opening her arms to give Donna an enormous hug as they pulled up in front of the hotel. "And when would that be happening, precisely?" she said, cocking a teasing eyebrow at the two of them. 

"Mom!" Josh said, rolling his eyes. "Let's worry about getting married first, then you can start with the baby-nagging. Babies! Already!" he said to himself and the air, as Margie laughed at him and gathered her belongings. She kissed them both, and thanked them for an incredible night. "And Joshua, thank you for asking me to be here tonight. It meant so much for me to be able to help you celebrate this engagement with you when it happened. Ok, I'm heading in. I'll call you tomorrow before my flight?" 

"We'll come pick you up and bring you to the airport," Josh said, resettling on the seat next to Donna. "How about we pick you up at 1pm, we'll get lunch before you go, ok?" 

"Ok. Goodbye, you two. I love you both very much." 

"Bye…love you too," Josh said, while Donna waved. Josh sat back for a minute, smiling at how great his mom was. Then he leaned forward, and pushed a button which mechanically lowered the partition between themselves and the front seat of the limo. 

"Hey, Jimmy?" 

"Yes, Mr. Lyman?" 

"How long do we have you for?" 

"You're paid up for another three hours, sir." 

"You tired?" 

"No, sir, I've been slugging down coffee all night." 

"Ok. Would you mind just…driving for a while? Around the city?" 

Josh looked at Donna, a grin on his face. "I don't think we're ready to go home yet," he said, pulling Donna's hand to his mouth for a kiss against her knuckles. 

"Yes sir, Mr. Lyman." Josh pushed the button again, and sent the barrier back up between the compartments, and then he hit the "lock" button to keep it firmly in place. He reached down and turned on the radio as well, quickly finding a station playing jazzy standards. He turned the volume up a bit, then turned back to Donna. 

*************** 

"Finally, alone with my fiancée," Josh said, pulling her in for a kiss with one hand behind her neck, and the other stroking her throat and neck. 

"Joshua," Donna said when they came up for air. "I can't believe you asked me to marry you," she whispered, still just completely stunned by the night's events. 

"And I can't believe how lucky I am that you gave me a second chance, so that I could ask," he said quietly, running his thumb over her bottom lip, and letting out a gasp when Donna took it into her mouth and sucked on it, gently. She opened her eyes to see the desire for her in Josh's own eyes, and she sat up a bit, and reached out with her index finger to trace Josh's own lips. As she had hoped, he pulled her finger in to tug on it with the suction of his mouth, and she gave him a sigh and moan in return. She could see a familiar bulge starting to emerge in Josh's lap. 

Donna moved closer, replacing her finger with her mouth, lazily and seductively parting Josh's lips with her own, backing up and hovering an inch away from him, then reaching out with her tongue to touch the tip of his own tongue, letting him suck her into his mouth. She got a shock when Josh ran his hand down from the back of her neck, dragged it across her shoulder and collarbone, and then let it trail down to the front of her gown, cupping one breast and dragging his thumb and palm across the front of her body. He whimpered into her throat as he finally made contact with her breast, as if he was relieved to finally be able to touch her there again. 

Donna sat back an inch, running her hands across Josh's shirtfront beneath his tuxedo jacket. She pressed her forehead to Josh's and murmured "Unzip my dress," as she went back in for another languid, searing kiss. 

"Oh," Josh said, involuntarily, completely turned on by what he sensed was about to take place in the limo. "Are you sure?" he asked, mindful of where they were, but already reaching around to her back. 

"Yes," she said, feeling Josh find the zipper-pull, and begin slowly, delicately, carefully, seductively pulling the zipper down, and the fabric apart. He kissed her as he did so, whispering "I can't believe I get to undress you for the rest of my life," against her lips. The zipper went down below Donna's rear, and when he reached the end of the zipper's line, Donna sat back a bit, lifted her rear out of the dress, then pulled it forward, off of her body and out from under her legs. She tossed it on the opposite bank of seats, and turned back to catch Josh's reaction to what she had on underneath. 

She wasn't disappointed by his response. Her white satin merry-widow corset just barely covered her nipples, and pushed her breasts up so that the rounded tops of them were bulging over the top. The piece was fitted tightly over her hips, and had garter straps attached to it that led down to a pair of impossibly sheer hose that looked like they were spun out of sparkling pieces of silver. Her high-heels made her legs look even longer than they were. Between, she had on a white satin g-string. She felt Josh's eyes raking over her, taking all of her in; she heard his breathing speed up, and become shallower. She saw him lick his lips, and then watched as his eyes finally met hers. He looked like he was about to pounce on her. 

Josh reached out a shaky hand to her, and she made him wait for a few seconds, just watching him wanting her, and letting a slow smile creep across her face. Donna snaked her own tongue out to wet her lips, and curled her fingers into the seat of the limo. Finally, he couldn't take it any more, and whispered, "*Please.*" He had to have his hands on her. 

In one quick move, Donna straddled Josh's lap, keeping her hands and arms between them, pressed against his chest, so that she kept some distance between them for a few minutes. She felt Josh's hands move behind her, to run down her back and then cup her rear; she watched his eyes widen and fill with lust as he felt how bare her cheeks were, and found the thin thread of the g-string. He tangled his fingers in it and the garter straps, massaging the backs of her thighs and then bringing his hands around to stroke the fronts and insides of her upper legs. He brought his hands up to skim the tops of her breasts over the corset, then raced them back over the front of it to touch her thighs and backside all over again. 

Donna, keeping Josh's eyes locked on her own, reached down and unclipped the garter on the front of her left leg, then moved and did the same with the right leg. She lifted up a bit onto her knees, and felt Josh's hands move behind her. He unclipped the ones in the back for her, eliciting a smile from her at how well he did unsnapping them. He ran his hands down the backs of her thighs and then she sat back down on his lap, rubbing and pushing up against his erection, making him jump and groan. 

Then Donna reached up, and took the top of the corset into both of her hands. Hidden along the front seam of the piece were tiny hooks that held it together. She pulled the fabric together slightly with both hands, then pulled apart, releasing the first hook. Josh's eyes lit up as he saw what she was doing, and then he moved his hands up and replaced hers. He took the top of the piece in his own hands, and slowly, hook by hook, unsnapped the corset, until there was only one left. He released it, and as her breasts spilled forth out of it, Josh wrapped his hands around her bared ribs and quickly pulled her in, fastening his mouth to one breast and nipple and streaking his hands all over her now-naked torso. Donna arched her back and cried out at the sensations of pleasure pouring through her, and she ran her hands through Josh's hair and just held on while he ravaged her body. 

He couldn't get enough of running his mouth and tongue and lips and hands over her breasts; while he sucked on one, he teased the other with his hand and fingers; he caressed and cupped both at the same time with his hands, he flicked her nipples, one and then the other, with the tip of his tongue, and then blew hot air across each, loving how hard she got for him there, how she responded to his touch, how she gasped and moaned and sighed and called his name with every new tug of his mouth or hand. 

"No one else's ever going to have you again," he growled, mindless now. "You're mine," he said, running his tongue between her breasts and up her neck to meet her mouth for a scorching kiss. He buried his hands in her hair, ran his hands down over her hips and backside, and pulled her closer in a desperate attempt to touch her everywhere at once. 

"I'm all yours," Donna echoed back at him, soaring on the shocks and waves of love and lust and desire that were running all through her body now. "No one else but you. I don't want anyone else but you." 

She reached down as she was talking, and unsnapped the top of his pants, and pulled down the fly. She was loving the fact that she was all but naked on top of him, while he was fully dressed, but now she wanted him inside of her, and there was only one way that was going to happen. She lifted up on her knees, and he lifted up his hips, and they both pulled his pants and boxers down to below his knees. 

"Are you wet for me, Donnatella?" Josh asked as his own erection stood stiff between them. He reached between her thighs and nudged her panties aside to feel her. 

"You tell me," she murmured, rocking her pelvis against his fingers, gasping as he flicked one against her clit. 

"Oh, god, you are wet," he said, burying two fingers deep inside of her. "Did I do that to you?" he asked, putting his fingers back against her clit and stroking her a few more times, and watching her nod her head in assent, with a smile and closed eyes. He rubbed her again, then moved his hand away as he felt Donna lift up again on her knees. She pushed the front of her panties to the side as Josh had, and quickly impaled herself on Josh's cock, taking him by surprise and drawing out unintelligible groans and sounds and words from him as he moved his hands around to her hips, pushing her down a bit more so that she totally surrounded him. They sat like that, very still, for a few long moments as they kissed. They let the rhythm of the car in motion rock them against each other; every bump in the road, every turn that Jimmy took, every time he stepped on the brake, or hit the gas, forced Josh and Donna, connected at their centers, to bump, shift, rub, grind, slide, or press against each other in a new and erotic way. 

Finally, Donna couldn't wait any longer, and with slow, excruciatingly slow strokes, she began to ease herself up and down, back and forth along the length of Josh's hard, slick cock, riding him with a leisurely, erotic pace that Josh was sure was going to make him insane. But he let her set the speed, and enjoyed watching her take control. He rested his hands on her hips, and when she let gravity pull her back down on him after every thrust away, he helped by pulling her tight against him. 

He had to talk to her now, knowing her well enough to know it would make her crazy. "Donnatella…god, you're so beautiful I can't believe I get to have you, the rest of my life…I get to feel you riding me, feel your body against me; I get to make love to you…I oh, god, you feel so good…" 

And Donna responded in kind, right in his ear. "Joshua…I'm going to love you the rest of my life…and every day, every night, you can touch me…" and with that, she brought his hands up to her breasts, and held them tight there as he squeezed and plucked at her nipples. "…and you can have me, any way you want me," she said with a wicked smile, making him moan and rock into her a bit harder. Now she began to speed up a bit, tilting forward to change her angle a bit, and drag her clit directly along the hard length of him. She cried out with the first pass of that throbbing bundle of nerves over him, and gasped loudly when Josh took one nipple into her mouth, sucking hard every time she pounded against him and pinching the nipple of her other breast with one hand at the same time. 

The sensations were quickly too much for her, and with a frenzied flurry of strokes against him, Donna made herself come, sobbing and gasping and bucking against him, her breast caught tightly in Josh's hot mouth, his hands wrapped around her rear as he dragged her against him harder and faster. And no sooner had she begun to catch her breath, then he was ready, the feeling of her clenching and vibrating around him becoming too much. With a barely muffled shout, he came into her, pulling her down with a hand on her hips and one across her breasts, holding her in place so that there was no chance that his straining cock could escape from her. 

They rested against each other, letting aftershocks course through them and bumps in the road shift them against each other a bit more, eliciting sighs and gasps of pleasure as they came back down together. 

Josh finally kicked off his shoes, and kicked his bunched-up pants and boxers off much to Donna's amusement. Then, holding Donna tight against him, he turned and laid her down across the limo seat, laying on top of her while still lodged inside of her. She kicked off her heels, and then hooked her silky legs around the backs of his own. 

"Donnatella," he said idly, kissing her and smoothing her mussed hair back into place as best he could with loving hands. Incredibly, impossibly still aroused and un-sated and wanting her, he began to stroke her from within, gently, slowly, teasing himself back to full hardness while he held her and spoke to her. "I'm going to make you so happy," he promised, reaching back to caress one of her long legs with a worshipping hand, and pulling it up so that her leg rested across his backside, changing his angle a bit and making her coo at the new sensations he was eliciting. 

"Josh…god, you feel so good in me. I love you too…I can't wait to marry you…and wake up every morning with you…and have babies with you…" she said, watching his eyes for his reaction to that last statement. 

She was rewarded with eyes full of love and wonder. "Little blond yous…with your skin," he said, increasing his speed a bit and reaching down to love one of her breasts with his mouth. 

"And little curly-headed, dimpled yous with your brown eyes…" she whispered back, reaching down to grab Josh's hips and pull him in tighter. 

"No, with your beautiful blue eyes," he said, mock-arguing and smiling at her at the same time. "You really want to have babies?" he said, hopefully. 

"I want to have *your* babies, Joshua," she said, arching her back as Josh reached between them to let his fingers dance against her clit. 

"So that means *lots* of practice, right? You know, in making the babies?" he said, with a wicked gleam in his eye as Donna began to tumble into an orgasm. 

"Oh, god, yes…" she said, not sure what she was responding to anymore, but happy to agree to whatever he wanted, so long as he kept pushing into her and dragging his fingers against her clit and sucking on her nipple all at once. 

She came with a shout, and she went rigid and just tried to hold herself, all of herself against him for a minute. Then, she gave way to happy tears, holding Josh's face and kissing him over and over as he finished, thrusting into her and then coming, quietly, almost tenderly, as he kissed her cheeks and tasted her tears and wiped them away with his hands. "I love you, Donnatella," he said, over and over again as he kissed her and loved her and held her. 

"I love you too, Joshua. Forever." 

And as they held each other and whispered, and touched, and laughed, as the city passed by the windows, and night turned into day, and a new phase of their lives began. 


	23. Having Faith - MATURE Version 23

 

**Having Faith**

**by:** gigagirlyq 

**Character(s):** Donna Moss, Ensemble, Josh Lyman  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Angst/Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Disclaimer:** All characters are the intellectual property of Aaron Sorkin and Warner Brothers, etc. I don't own them, I sure as hell won't try to make any money off of them, but I adore them and I want them to be happy, so I've been doing this instead of real-life work.  
**Summary:** Josh does something unforgiveable and Donna leaves the White House.  
**Written:** 2006-03-06 

* * *

**Chapter 23  
Epilogue**

Josh let himself into the townhouse quietly, dropped his backpack and eased off his shoes. *Thank god for air conditioning,* he thought to himself, happy to be out of the muggy August late-evening air. He looked around the first floor of his and Donna's "new" place; he still thought of it as new, even though they had been in it for the better part of half a year. He loved the way that Donna had decorated it; it was homey, and comfortable, and she had kept the throw pillows to a bare minimum. 

He heard her voice, low and sing-songy upstairs, and with a smile, he silently headed up the staircase and down the long hallway. He stopped outside the room she was in, and peeked his head around the corner. 

What he saw never failed to make his heart tumble, no matter how much he had seen it over the past two months. The pastel-colored room was lit with flickering candles; Josh and Donna had incorporated their favorite design element into almost every room of the house by now. He could hear their favorite CD - Etta James's Greatest Hits - playing softly in the background. His eyes swept over the bureau, the changing table, and the crib, and finally re-settled on what he really wanted to see. Donna, sitting in the strange but functional two-person rocking chair that she had her friend Curtis build for them, and breast-feeding their infant daughter. As he watched unseen from the door, he heard the next song come on, and his heart melted a little more as he listed to Donna sing their song to their daughter. 

*At last…  
My love has come along  
My lonely days are over  
And life is like a song* 

And as she sang, Josh thought about all of the times he had heard that song, and felt it in his heart like he was feeling it now. He remembered the first time they danced to it, in his mother's kitchen, Donna smelling like dish detergent and strawberries and lavender…the moment that they decided that it was *their* song… 

*Ohh yeah yeah  
At last…the skies above are blue  
My heart was wrapped up in clover  
The night I looked at you* 

And he remembered the look in Donna's eyes when she realized that he managed to get Aretha Franklin to sing it for them, and the love in her eyes when he proposed with his grandmother's ring… 

*I found a dream, that I could speak to  
A dream that I can call my own  
I found a thrill to press my cheek to  
A thrill that I have never known* 

And Josh remembered the way he felt, full of wonder and awe and thanks and overwhelming joy as he watched Donna walking down a grassy, petal-strewn aisle, on Josiah Bartlet's arm, with a string quartet playing their song in the Rose Garden of the White House on their wedding day. And how proud and happy he felt when they played it again, later, as he held Donna in his arms for their first dance as husband and wife. 

*Ohh yeah yeah…  
You smile, you smile  
Oh and then the spell was cast  
And here we are in heaven  
For you are mine at last.* 

And he knew that he'd never forget the moment that his little girl was born, finally, at last, after 10 long hours of labor, and that he'd never forget how grateful he was to Donna for all that she had done to bring him such happiness. So as he stood in the doorway, and his wife raised love-filled eyes to meet his own, he knew that he'd never forget this moment, peeking in while Donna fed their baby, and stroked her wispy blond hair, and sang softly to their little girl, Faith Magdalena Moss Lyman, in the flickering dark. 

And as he wordlessly came into the room, and sat beside Donna, curling his arm around her and pulling her and his little girl close, he dropped kisses and caresses onto both of them. He sat back and rocked in the candlelight, and thanked God for the millionth time for all of the blessings that having Faith, and having faith, had brought into his life. 

The End….Or Just Another Beginning. 

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Thank you to everyone who read all the way to this point! Thanks also to Sharon for answering a million emails with patience and humor, and for reading it and making wonderful suggestions and corrections and approving noises when I needed my hand held. Virgos rule! Thank you to Norma for helping me get 2 critical chapters J/D-ready, and for putting the story through, and for being great. Thanks to Jillian for some last-minute hand-holding and suggestions, and to Katie for not being afraid to get her Union on. :) Thanks to everyone who sent feedback, everyone who's gonna send feedback, and everyone who'd love to send feedback but who are trapped under something heavy and can't get to the computer. :) 

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Thanks, ya'll. :) Hogs and quiches, gigagirlyq 


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